Thursday, July 14, 2011

My kid is acting bratty... what do I do?

A question from the comments:
You see your kid being rude/selfish/bratty on the playground to another kid. Do you insert yourself or let them feel the natural consequence of their poor behavior (which they may or may not feel)?


A few things to consider.  Is this an isolated or somewhat occasional occurrence?  Or is it a pattern?  In general, parents should be looking to discipline patterns of misbehavior rather than isolated acts (too easy for parent to fall into habit of disciplining what is annoying at the moment).  Patterns suggest a direction that children have adopted as their "chosen strategy."  In the situation where they are acting bratty (for instance hogging the swing) and you're not sure it's a problem pattern, I wouldn't intervene, rather let your children learn from possible natural, negative consequences (i.e. other children may not play with them, may retaliate).  A word of teaching or admonition later might suffice, but keep your antennae up.  If it seems to be more than an isolated thing (a pattern), then consider that a good thing in that as a parent one of my jobs is to identify problem behaviors.  The next time you are at the park don't allow your child to use the swing (where the misbehavior has been occurring).  When they ask "how come?"  Calmly explain the reason - their inappropriate behavior... and upon better behavior today, we'll try the swings tomorrow.  It's OK for the child to sulk and not be happy (that is logical).  As a parent, your goal in this situation needs to be not to keep them happy, but to apply some discipline and structure. Tomorrow's another day.  


Rather than taking direct responsibility to stop your children's bad behavior, your goal should be to identify wrong behavioral patterns (continued rudeness to others) and apply enforceable, logical consequences.  The purpose of the discipline is to make life a little less pleasant for the little ones if they insist on pursuing selfishness, in order that they may "reconsider their ways" and hopefully make a different choice.  Discipline is primarily aimed at changing a child's wrong belief which says being selfish is the best way to act in order to be happy (get what they want).  A "little inconvenience" through discipline helps focus them on that wrong idea and the possibility of a replacement... i.e. choosing to be polite and fair with my friends is a better way to act.  Though hard to do, let the consequence be what they have to deal with - not your anger, hectoring, or repeated warnings.  Have a little "calm confidence" as you face these challenges.  Your goal is not to "change" your child but to parent responsibly.  Even when they misbehave they don't have the power to block that goal.


Child, inside their little heads:
I want to be happy -->    Wrong belief  ------>       Set selfish goal    ------->        Bad behavior
                         (Get my way = being happy)      (Get on swing - don't share)     (Hog the swing - bratty)


Discipline is aimed at changing the belief because I want my child to "choose" to set a new direction of good behavior.  I don't want to end up just enforcing outward compliance through threats or punishments.  As a parent, I'm trying to encourage right beliefs about life that to lead to right choices for right directions of good behavior;
this accomplished over time... and it takes time.   

4 comments:

carrie said...

By the way, that questions was totally hypothetical. My kids have never been bratty at the playground!

Scott Rosenkranz said...

Great answer--applicable in many situations, thanks Mom and Dad!

Dan and Rachel said...

Thanks for the reminder that my strategy is not to discipline every bad behavior, but to look for patterns. I become a Nazi so quickly instead of letting my kids be kids. It's hard to sit on my hands and let them deal with the natural consequences of their actions, because sometimes that means other children suffer (their left out, feel sad). I need to remember what my role as a parent is, guiding their hearts and their actions will follow.

Dan and Rachel said...

How do I help my 8 year old cope with fear? Fear of spiders, shots, his parents dying, the pain of death itself. He is my thinker and stays up late in bed worrying. We're moving to Rwanda so many of these fears are sparked by what he's heard about Rwanda's history.