Parenting - which way to go?

When reading books on parenting one almost exclusively finds the focus to be on what a parent should do in x,y, or z situation.  If this, then that!  One reason, certainly, is that every parent is looking for practical help and answers.  Yet what often results is a type of parenting that becomes a cookbook approach to raising children.  Tell me what to do and I'll do it... give me the recipe!  My advice to you is to not fall into that trap - i.e. looking for recipes for this or that child behavioral problem.  When the emphasis is on techniques and set steps something crucial goes missing - i.e. the underlying principles that are meant to actually guide one's parenting.  When those principles are distilled into simply set steps or cookbook recipes, parenting all too often becomes a series of methods by which parents seek to pour their children into a particular moral mold.  Raising children is more than producing a moral product.  And the fact of the matter is there are no set steps that exclusively put biblical principles of parenting into practice.

So why do parents gravitate to cookbook approaches?  The most obvious reason is probably convenience.  Parenting children, as I've said, is seemingly bigger than any one or two parents and involves so many more things during the day than the latest behavioral crisis.  Where's the recipe when you need it?!  I've got two other children and dinner to cook!  A less obvious but more central reason for wanting set steps (one most parents can relate to) is the fear that I may do the wrong thing if left to myself.  I'm not sure I'll do the right thing, and I may make matters worse!  They may not listen!  How we parent does matter, so the fear that I may screw things up is understandable.  Recognizing that fear when it hits though, helps keep it from overly influencing our thinking and what we decide to do or don't do.

The other problem with a cookbook approach is that it incorrectly assumes a one-to-one relationship:  that the child's outward behavior is the problem and the discipline I apply is the solution... if I choose the right discipline, then my child will respond the right way.  Be keen to avoid the "if this, then that" type of reasoning.  If my kids are behaving, then I'm parenting well.  If my kids are misbehaving, then I'm parenting poorly.  Obviously there is a correlation, but nothing that approaches causality.  While at the same time wanting what's best for our kids, this kind of thinking can result in viewing them as mere extensions of ourselves, statements on our parenting or even our Christianity.  This really shouldn't be surprising.  As imperfect human beings, we too easily slide into this type of thinking in various relationships and life in general.  Parenting is not exempt from those errant tendencies residing within us.  And think about this... the most perfect Parent of all, the God of Israel in the Old Testament, more often than not, had children who were disobedient, ungrateful, rebellious, and indifferent to His rules and to Him!  Indeed we, even as His children, aren't exactly reliable statements as to the quality of God's parenting.

One of the main propositions of effective parenting is that the parent's focus must not only be on their children's goals but on their own.  And one of the core principles to begin wrestling with is this:  The goal of parenting is not to change my child.  I'm defining a goal as something I decide I must accomplish and also have 100% control over, i.e. a goal that cannot be blocked by my child.  We know that when a child is misbehaving, especially in public, parents feel emphatically in their bones that they must change their child's behavior.  But to follow that route will take your parenting in the wrong direction.  Overall, rather than having the wrong goal of trying to change your child (he can block that goal), as a parent seek to go in the direction of conforming your discipline choices to biblical principles that match what in fact is the problem - foolishness in the heart of the child and things within your power to control.  And being the imperfect creatures we are, this fork in the road of competing parental goals will be encountered regularly, providing ample occasions to readjust.  Dealing with our own goals just comes with the territory.  So parenting involves not just seeking to understand a child's foolishness and their wrong goals in order to discipline wisely, it also involves seeking to recognize one's own potential wrong goals as a parent and then making the necessary adjustments.  The two are inseparable for effective parenting.  This will get more practical as we begin to look at the tasks involved in carrying out the purpose of parenting.