Oil tankers and parenting...

Returning once again to the evening drama of Sally and Mom, we last witnessed Mom stopped dead in the water as she realized she was in a power struggle and needed to change direction.

"So when you find yourself in a power struggle, the first thing to do is to stop going in that direction.... But Jack, are you saying just let Sally disobey? Of course not."

But that doesn't mean you find some other way to pursue the wrong goal of getting her to obey. So what does a parent do in a situation like this? Well, sometimes it's best to just accept that the fact that you missed the mark. And that would mean choosing to now handle the situation in a way that is not yet another strategy to still get Sally to obey. I know, this sounds backwards, but hear me out.

First, that wrong goal to "get Sally to obey" is more embedded in you as a deeply felt commitment than you may realize. And why is it a wrong or bad goal?  Because Sally can effectively block it.  So, it's necessary to begin, if you would, putting that thing to death. Second, by following this advice you won't be going in the wrong direction. You'll be turning around. An oil tanker out in the ocean needs to travel as much as five miles in order to make a 180 degree turn. That takes time. If you were to take a snapshot of that tanker at different points during its course correction, it would appear as if it was going in the wrong direction. But actually, it's going in the right direction as it reverses course.

So there you are, dead in the water wondering what to do next. One way to handle this would be something as simple as: Go into the living room. Gently take Sally by the hand, letting her know that you're both going into the bedroom to get her ready for bed. Leave the toys. Continue with the normal bedtime routine, no recriminations, no reminders. It will likely feel like you're not doing what is best (getting Sally to obey), but it will be consistent with a godly purpose, which is what we want to be led by.  Kiss her goodnight and know that tomorrow is another day. This evening you're changing direction (which will likely be repeated again... and again). Success for you at this point is defined as choosing a goal that is responsible which doesn't seek to go back and get Sally to obey the original instructions. Helping her to get ready for bed fits that bill as a godly purpose. And, young children often simply need to be led in the direction that they ought to go. It's part of that "train up a child in the way they should go" thing by sometimes just leading your child in the right direction.

To be continued...

The power of panic...

From a Mom -
Here's my question:
How should I handle my 4 1/2 year-old son's crying (screaming) and refusal to cooperate with his swimming teacher's instructions? He is happy to put his head under water, use a kickboard, jump to a parent in non-swimming lesson time, but seems to be overcome by panic (of getting in the water at all) during his lesson. Thus far, I've remained unaffected and make no comment during the lesson. Afterward I may make a casual comment about his poor behavior at some point in the day. I feel bad for the instructor, and for myself :)

OK, let's look at this.  Your son is happy to get into the pool, put his head under water, jump into the water, use a kick board... when it is during his free unstructured time.  When the lesson begins then it becomes panic time, which tells you that this is not about getting wet, to say the least.  I'll assume that the swim lessons are something you are requiring, so we'll take off the table letting him opt out of them.  But that being said, I don't want to assume that he's just making it all up, i.e. manufacturing the panic out of whole cloth.  There may be some actual fear or apprehension related to things such as his swimming performance in front of others or something else.  But I don't think you can really know, so that shouldn't be the focus.  And it might even be that this "panic" thing is exhibiting itself in some other area.  In any event, given this situation, it seems the "panic" episode is serving a purpose.


The question to ask is "what is the goal of his "panic fits?"  What is he hoping to accomplish?   It's a fair guess this is his attempt to be exempt from participating in the class and, barring that goal being met, secondarily to resist Mom's attempts to keep him from acting this way.  Possibly as you've continued to require his lessons, his panic attacks have become more of a tantrum.  He doesn't want to be doing the class.  You require it.  As a parent, what you want to avoid, though, is getting into a power struggle, i.e. you trying, through discipline or lectures, to get him to stop panicking... though I admit it is no fun have your kid acting in this way in public.  But you are requiring the class!  This is your child at this juncture and situation.  And as I said, there may actually be some pressure or apprehension for him.  If that is so, this is also his immature way of avoiding that personal hurdle.


Broadly speaking, he is pursuing the goal of  "reward without responsibility."  His wants the pleasure and fun of free swim time (the reward) before or after the lesson.  But he doesn't want the responsibility of properly participating in the class.  He wrongly believes that that is the best way to go, so his sets a goal to not participate in the class by having a panic attack (after all Mom will rescue me won't she?).  Yet he knows that you know he isn't afraid of the water.  So you're approach should be that if he throws the panic fit during the class, then he doesn't get the reward of free swim time with the other kids.  Consider him totally free to throw the fit (he actually is...).  If the teacher says she won't have him in the class, then that is that.  But otherwise, he is free to be panicky but not without a logical consequence.  We are training our children to gradually take on responsible living which is the route to character, increasing the likelihood of good things in life.  So calmly explain the rules.  A simple, brief encouragement would be OK, but don't slip into a pep talk (or you may slide into "trying to convince him"... bad goal).  If he does the panic thing and then gets mad at the removal of the reward, smile (inwardly)... you have succeeded, not failed.  You've recognized his wrong goal and appropriately applied a discipline which left the goal unmet.  How?  By simply giving him a free choice that has consequences either way, which is how life works.  This could go on for several classes - his panicking, being mad at not getting his way, and you patiently (that means you grit your teeth and be a phony to your feelings of wanting to spank him) and be true to your purpose to apply wise and appropriate discipline.  No guarantees, but this kind of approach increases the likelihood of guiding him to choose a responsible direction.  Once the consequence is applied don't fall into a lecture or  reminder for next time.  No relational repercussions... no skin off your back.  

Let the structure guide and be what he must deal with, not your mood or feelings.  This approach actually takes the whole thing out of becoming a relational battle and thus makes it easier as a parent to avoid anger.   And just as importantly, I would look for other areas where a similar clear pattern of pursuing "reward without responsibility" is occurring and apply any needed adjustments.  The root usually has many sprouts.  Be patient and give it time.  Be accepting of him and glad for any small improvements.  Parenting is a plodding endeavor, sometimes lasting more than even eighteen years!  Remember, where you see these clear patterns of wrong behaviors (not isolated incidents) you're applying discipline in order to hopefully change a wrong belief, one that may be tightly held.

Lies, damnable lies, and power struggles...

A question about lying. Our five year old, is lying and is sometimes good at it, and sometimes not.
What is the best way to 1. view this behavior, 2. "block" this behavior and 3. set a goal for truth telling?  Also, specifically, what to do when you are not sure if they are telling a the lie or not?
Thank you in advance.


I can imagine you're feeling a lot of concern and quite a bit of frustration as you deal with this behavior of your son's.  Right off the bat here are the short answers:
    1.  Though not to condone it, his behavior is normal, i.e. it's in the realm of what kids do (Proverbs 22:15 "Foolishness [sin] is bound up in the heart of a child...").  Saying that, it sounds like the lying may have become an entrenched pattern.  Yes, cause for concern and attention, but not how you may be thinking.  
    2.  The best way to block your child from lying?... If we're talking the best godly way or the best way consistent with effective parenting, then the answer is - there isn't a best way.  In fact there isn't any sure way, short of covering his mouth with a gag.  You really don't have the power or means to block his lying, nor should you.  And I imagine at the heart of your question is this very dilemma.  Everything you're trying isn't working to stop this.
    3.  I'm not sure what you're exactly getting at in this last question.  It sounds like you're asking, "how does a parent structure things so that the child eventually stops lying", which seems to be corollary  of question 2.  You can't set that goal for him.  Remember, I'm defining a goal as a direction a person chooses to go because he believes that is the best way to get what they believe they need.  Being foolish at heart and also very short-term in their considerations, children often pursue a behavior like lying in order to gain or preserve (their unseen goal) something.  Yet there are ways of handling these kinds of problem behaviors that, though not a guarantee, increase the likelihood of diminishing them.


On an upcoming post I'll discuss some general guidelines and principles for how to be thinking this kind of thing through.  But for now here are some thoughts.  If you think your son is lying and it's something you can't know for sure then don't grill him about.  Ignore it.  If you get into it, then most likely you will end up in a power struggle... you trying to get him to admit his lying, he refusing to confess.  And, you really don't know for sure.  If you find yourself in a power struggle, know that you're going the wrong way, so stop and get out of it.  Getting into a power struggle will just strengthen his foolishness to not come clean (Mommy can't make me admit anything).  Even if you succeed in forcing an admission, that too can end up reinforcing his commitment to it.


But if you do catch him in a lie about something that is easily provable, then that's the time for discipline.  Let's say he knows he's supposed to bring his bike into the garage when he is finished riding it.  You ask him, "Did you bring your bike in?"  He answers, "Yes!".  You look outside and see the bike on the sidewalk.  Now, I will suggest that you not address his lie directly at this time.  If you do, you may quickly find yourself in a power struggle.  Let there be a discipline for not putting the bike away (he can't use it tomorrow, for instance).  But don't address his lie at this time.  He'll know that you know he lied.  Should he be disciplined for the provable lie?  Yes, but not with a lecture, a scolding, etc.  Treat it like a routine traffic ticket... a simple consequence, maybe 15 minutes to bed early would suffice, that you announce later that evening.  Don't make it a big deal of it at bedtime.  Be a bit nonchalant about it, no commentary - just a brief explanation.  When it happens again in other situations, same routine.


Right now the heightened attention with all the expected back and forth to expose and stop his lying is only fueling his digging in.  In a way your efforts to make him stop lying is like trying to force him into a moral box.  We want our kids to choose the right moral direction.  We can't force them do it, nor should we try.  Meeting your attempts to make him change, he resists (you can't make me) and thus foolishly latches even more to lying as a way to not be controlled by Mom.  You're in a classic power struggle due to your wrong goal* not his wrong behavior.  The immediate direction you need to pursue right now is to get out of a power struggle (new right goal) over the lying.  


*Remember, a goal is something you're committed to and believe you must accomplish.  What I call a good goal is one in which you can take 100% responsibility for completing, i.e. a good goal and the actions to carry out that goal are not dependent on the cooperation of another for success.   A bad or wrong goal would be one you're committed to accomplishing in which you do need the cooperation of another for success. 


Have goals in which you have 100% responsibility to control and complete in your parenting and 0% responsibility to control or change your child's behavior.  Does that sound confusing?  More later...  

Fears and bedtime Pt. 2

How do I help my 8 year old cope with fear? Fear of spiders, shots, his parents dying, the pain of death itself. He is my thinker and stays up late in bed worrying. We're moving to Rwanda so many of these fears are sparked by what he's heard about Rwanda's history.  (See Pt. 1 here)

I can understand your concern and worry given your upcoming move.  In order to answer your question I'll be assuming certain things.  So feel free to get back to me.  Whether my assumptions are correct or not, the main thing, hopefully, is to encourage you to start thinking about this situation and parenting-in-general in a new and helpful way.  

The first thing I would ask is what are you doing now in response to your son's fears? Often, upon seeing troubling behaviors (e.g. fears/anxieties) in their kids, parents usually say and do the things needed and reasonable … explaining and comforting in hopes of giving the child a basis for understanding he need not be afraid. But if those fears and the connected behaviors (not going to sleep) continue, too often, parents follow a plan that devotes more and more time with the child as bedtime gets later, reassuring, explaining, praying, etc.  I think this is the wrong direction..

First of all, I would not try to make “removing his fear” your goal. You can’t change that directly and in fact he may be “enjoying” the benefit of the additional attention. Be open to the possibility that you may be facilitating his illegitimate strategy of gaining Mom’s attention at bedtime (don’t discount that). If so, then by going along that path you are inadvertently strengthening his foolish belief and goal, or what may better be called “strengthening a fool” (Proverbs 22:15).  This isn’t to say he isn’t feeling afraid, but that he’s learning to “use” that fear in order to get what he wants. And, in some ways, the additional attention can actually be reinforcing those fears.  "Mommy is spending all this time with me.  Maybe my fear is a big deal!"

You have decided to go to Rwanda. There are indeed legitimate concerns and even fears that one could rightly entertain. So, are you feeling “responsible” for your son’s struggles due to your decision? Feeling pressure and urgency, possibly, to “fix him” (see post on goals) before you actually go there?

You need not only be aware of your child’s foolish goals (i.e. manipulating his world to get what he wants – we’re all prone to that!), but likewise to exploring your own possible wrong goals in response. “We need to get him over this before we leave!” Also, you may be diagnosing the symptom of  “his fear” as the problem rather than “his foolishness.” If you’re feeling frustrated or even angry,  it’s a good bet you’re pursuing a goal that he can and is blocking... what I call a bad goal. You need to have a parenting goal that your child cannot block.  Something to think through, again and again, that will lead to better parental strategies.

So, #1) I would cease the any extra bedtime attention if that is what is occurring. Reassure and explain that it’s OK for him to feel afraid even though there is nothing to fear at bedtime. Regarding Rwanda, I would minimized his concerns by reinforcing he is safe within his family.  Not giving him the extra time reinforces that truth. #2) Have reasonable rules regarding bedtime, e.g. he may not get out of bed even if afraid or is thirsty, etc. If he cries, let him know that’s OK. If he gets mad, that’s OK. But if in getting mad, he then gets out of bed or breaks some other household rule (kicking his wall, throwing something at the door - inappropriate expressions of anger), then discipline that.  Don't avoid that due to his preoccupation with fear. The discipline may involve a withdrawal of some toy or  some playtime the next day. No anger, no lecture which only changes the focus away from his disobedience to Mom is mad...  Let the discipline speak.

Your goal is to identify as best you can the foolishness (attention on demand?) underneath his bedtime routine of being afraid. Then, to stop anything on your part that cooperates with his wrong goal. Encourage him by simply treating him as OK (even with fears) and don’t exempt him from the normal rules. I would also add that what contributes to helping him feel and act more secure is the overall consistency and reliability of your household family structure - consistent rules and disciplines, chores, playtime, relational time with parents, set mealtimes, etc.  

Again, inappropriate patterns in children don’t always change quickly. Don’t slip into the wrong belief of “If I do this, then he will change.” Your job isn’t to change him, it’s to parent responsibly which includes you taking 100% responsibility for what you can control.  Be willing to have some turbulence and storm clouds as you follow a course not set by your child. Your job is not to produce a flawless kid, but to work at thinking through, with knowledge and understanding, your parenting in these kinds of things... always adjusting your goals and what you are doing as needed, in order to parent more effectively.

Free feel to follow up with any other info or questions.  

Fears and bedtime...

How do I help my 8 year old cope with fear? Fear of spiders, shots, his parents dying, the pain of death itself. He is my thinker and stays up late in bed worrying. We're moving to Rwanda so many of these fears are sparked by what he's heard about Rwanda's history.


Thanks.  Your question allows me to bring into the discussion the necessary concept of goals.  Everyone has goals they are pursuing through their behaviors.  I'm defining a goal as something I'm committed to or must accomplish.  What I'll call a good goal is one in which I can take 100% responsibility for completing, i.e. a good goal and the actions to carry out that goal aren't dependent on the cooperation of another for success.   A bad or wrong goal would be one I'm committed to accomplishing in which I do need the cooperation of another.  

Effective parenting requires parents to be thinking through what goals they themselves are actually pursuing with their child in response to any particular problem behavior; backing out of any wrong goal and implementing one that the child cannot block.  It also requires thinking through what might be the wrong goal the child is pursuing in his problem behavior.  The reason that a problem behavior is often so intractable is that the behavior is accomplishing something the child  wants via the parent's unintended cooperation.  This is part of the necessary ongoing parental routine of checking the instrument panel in the cockpit and adjusting course as needed.


So, every behavior has a goal.  Ask yourself,  "what is this problem behavior accomplishing for my child?"  Trouble shoot and brainstorm the possibilities.  This helps to shed light on why seemingly irrational behaviors are in fact rational.  The behavior is getting the child something he wants.  How am I, the parent, helping him out in this?


In the next post I'll address your question more specifically. 

My kid is acting bratty... what do I do?

A question from the comments:
You see your kid being rude/selfish/bratty on the playground to another kid. Do you insert yourself or let them feel the natural consequence of their poor behavior (which they may or may not feel)?

A few things to consider.  Is this an isolated or somewhat occasional occurrence?  Or is it a pattern?  In general, parents should be looking to discipline patterns of misbehavior rather than isolated acts (too easy for parent to fall into habit of disciplining what is annoying at the moment).  Patterns suggest a direction that children have adopted as their "chosen strategy."  In the situation where they are acting bratty (for instance hogging the swing) and you're not sure it's a problem pattern, I wouldn't intervene, rather let your children learn from possible natural, negative consequences (i.e. other children may not play with them, may retaliate).  A word of teaching or admonition later might suffice, but keep your antennae up.  If it seems to be more than an isolated thing (a pattern), then consider that a good thing in that as a parent one of my jobs is to identify problem behaviors.  The next time you are at the park don't allow your child to use the swing (where the misbehavior has been occurring).  When they ask "how come?"  Calmly explain the reason - their inappropriate behavior... and upon better behavior today, we'll try the swings tomorrow.  It's OK for the child to sulk and not be happy (that is logical).  As a parent, your goal in this situation needs to be not to keep them happy, but to apply some discipline and structure. Tomorrow's another day.  


Rather than taking direct responsibility to stop your children's bad behavior, your goal should be to identify wrong behavioral patterns (continued rudeness to others) and apply enforceable, logical consequences.  The purpose of the discipline is to make life a little less pleasant for the little ones if they insist on pursuing selfishness, in order that they may "reconsider their ways" and hopefully make a different choice.  Discipline is primarily aimed at changing a child's wrong belief which says being selfish is the best way to act in order to be happy (get what they want).  A "little inconvenience" through discipline helps focus them on that wrong idea and the possibility of a replacement... i.e. choosing to be polite and fair with my friends is a better way to act.  Though hard to do, let the consequence be what they have to deal with - not your anger, hectoring, or repeated warnings.  Have a little "calm confidence" as you face these challenges.  Your goal is not to "change" your child but to parent responsibly.  Even when they misbehave they don't have the power to block that goal.


Child, inside their little heads:
I want to be happy -->    Wrong belief  ------>       Set selfish goal    ------->        Bad behavior
                         (Get my way = being happy)      (Get on swing - don't share)     (Hog the swing - bratty)


Discipline is aimed at changing the belief because I want my child to "choose" to set a new direction of good behavior.  I don't want to end up just enforcing outward compliance through threats or punishments.  As a parent, I'm trying to encourage right beliefs about life that to lead to right choices for right directions of good behavior;
this accomplished over time... and it takes time.