Oil tankers and parenting...

Returning once again to the evening drama of Sally and Mom, we last witnessed Mom stopped dead in the water as she realized she was in a power struggle and needed to change direction.

"So when you find yourself in a power struggle, the first thing to do is to stop going in that direction.... But Jack, are you saying just let Sally disobey? Of course not."

But that doesn't mean you find some other way to pursue the wrong goal of getting her to obey. So what does a parent do in a situation like this? Well, sometimes it's best to just accept that the fact that you missed the mark. And that would mean choosing to now handle the situation in a way that is not yet another strategy to still get Sally to obey. I know, this sounds backwards, but hear me out.

First, that wrong goal to "get Sally to obey" is more embedded in you as a deeply felt commitment than you may realize. And why is it a wrong or bad goal?  Because Sally can effectively block it.  So, it's necessary to begin, if you would, putting that thing to death. Second, by following this advice you won't be going in the wrong direction. You'll be turning around. An oil tanker out in the ocean needs to travel as much as five miles in order to make a 180 degree turn. That takes time. If you were to take a snapshot of that tanker at different points during its course correction, it would appear as if it was going in the wrong direction. But actually, it's going in the right direction as it reverses course.

So there you are, dead in the water wondering what to do next. One way to handle this would be something as simple as: Go into the living room. Gently take Sally by the hand, letting her know that you're both going into the bedroom to get her ready for bed. Leave the toys. Continue with the normal bedtime routine, no recriminations, no reminders. It will likely feel like you're not doing what is best (getting Sally to obey), but it will be consistent with a godly purpose, which is what we want to be led by.  Kiss her goodnight and know that tomorrow is another day. This evening you're changing direction (which will likely be repeated again... and again). Success for you at this point is defined as choosing a goal that is responsible which doesn't seek to go back and get Sally to obey the original instructions. Helping her to get ready for bed fits that bill as a godly purpose. And, young children often simply need to be led in the direction that they ought to go. It's part of that "train up a child in the way they should go" thing by sometimes just leading your child in the right direction.

To be continued...

The continuing saga of Sally and Mom...

Back to bedtime power struggles from this earlier post.  Mom as you recall, not recognizing that Sally was pursuing the goal of reward without responsibility, had gotten herself into a power struggle with Sally.  Mom's goal was to get Sally to pick up her toys and then for her to move into the bedroom to get ready for bed.  Sally's goal was to ignore Mom's regular nightly admonition because she was enjoying playing with her toys and didn't want to stop... very normal, garden variety foolishness.  Mom, not appreciating Sally's indifference to her directions, slipped seamlessly into a power struggle. Here's the thing:  the default response in a parent to a child's disobedience is to meet that disobedience with superior force (warnings, threats, spankings) as a way to get them to obey.  It seems so right.  Obedience is good.  My child isn't obeying.  So, I will get my child to obey!  But as we've seen, and any parent has surely experienced, this often leads to an escalating episode of emotion, warnings, and threats resulting in little real obedience.

My premise is that most parents (even those who understand this stuff) are already part way into a power struggle before they realize, "Oops, bad idea."  So when you find yourself in a power struggle, the first thing to do is to stop going in that direction.  Stop trying to get "Sally" to obey.  In other words, get out of the power struggle.  The power struggle is due to the wrong goal that you've committed yourself to, i.e. get "Sally" to obey.  Extricating yourself from the power struggle entails jettisoning that wrong goal*.  As parents, we entirely underestimate our own culpability for these kinds of situations.  But Jack, are you saying just let Sally disobey?  Of course not.  But the path to effective parenting is not through parents winning power struggles.  Better to back out of a power struggle not knowing what to do next than to continue in a battle of the wills.  You can't go in a good direction without first stopping the wrong direction.  Think repentance first, then a new direction.

*Remember, a goal is something you're committed to and believe you must accomplish.  What I call a good goal is one in which you can take 100% responsibility for completing, i.e. a good goal and the actions to carry out that goal are not dependent on the cooperation of another for success.   A bad or wrong goal would be one you're committed to accomplishing in which you do need the cooperation of another for success. 

What just happened and why?

The question in the title of this post refers back to the Sally bedtime episode:

Little 6 year-old Sally is playing in the living room. Mom (or Dad) says, "Time for bed. Start cleaning up your toys and get on your pajamas."   

So far so good. Regular bedtimes (consistent structure) and requiring age-appropriate responsibility in our kids is part of good parenting. The only caveat I want to offer here is the following. When giving directions or on the spot rules (often required in certain situations), especially with young children, Mom or Dad shouldn't just call out from the other room or from behind the newspaper (or more likely the computer screen). Stop what you are doing and get their attention. Remember, you are "training [easily distracted children] in the way they should go" not trying to set up a test of obedience. "Sally, do you understand what you need to do now? OK then, start cleaning up now." You're laying down clear tracks for them to travel on. If they don't follow through then you'll know that something other than a misunderstanding is afoot.

The little girl says "OK", but keeps on playing.

Ah ha... foolishness is afoot! But where is it... what is it?

A few minutes later, in a somewhat more serious tone, the parent calls out,"Sally, I told you it's time for bed. Now clean up and get going!"

And the dance begins in earnest. It takes two to tango...
Mom has just misdiagnosed what is going on. She is correct in that Sally is disobeying. But this is not raw outward defiant disobedience (No, I won't!!). There is something going on underneath at an unnoticed level. Sally is pursuing an irresponsible and foolish goal. "I don't want to clean up and go to bed. I want to keep playing now because I'm enjoying this. I'll ignore Mom right now and get to play at least a little longer..."

Remember, children are always pursuing a goal or moving in a direction via their behavior. When observing their behavior start becoming a little curious. Pause... and get in the habit of asking yourself, "What's going on here? Why is she not listening? What is my child's goal? What does he or she want or... what is she trying to accomplish?

Sally is pursuing the goal of Reward without Responsibility. And what is that? Distilled, it's basically an internal process of belief and goal that says, "I want to be catered to, to be notice, to have my world revolve around me. I really want my world to go well, but I don't want to be responsible for that happening." Sally wants someone else to assume the responsibility that is hers; the very natural and self-absorbed world view that we all are born with as fallen image-bearers. This is the main wrong goal that children are pursuing most of the time in their disobedience.

"Mommy, can't I play for just a little more?"
Bingo, there it is! Consistent with her natural foolishness, Sally wants the reward of playing with her toys without obeying and embracing the responsibility that goes with those toys as well as that of a set bedtime. Sally is thinking along the lines of - "I'd rather play now because this I'm enjoying this. Maybe I can stay up just a little longer. I'll just keep playing, I'm having fun and this is what I want to do."

"No! You heard me. I said clean up your toys now."
Mom is now bringing out the some heavier leverage. A stern answer and reminder of what Sally has to do right now. Mom's thinking, "That little girl is just ignoring me... I told her to clean up and it's important for her to obey! I'm gonna let her know I mean business." A Power Struggle is now blossoming, ready to grow into full bloom. And the power struggle that Mom is entering is a result of setting the goal to "get Sally to obey!" A goal that requires Sally's cooperation if Mom is to succeed. That's what I define as a bad goal. Mom's successful parenting is now dependent upon a dance partner... a partner who wants to dance, but not to her tune!

Sally starts the slow-mopey two-step, sending the message of "Mommy, you're spoiling my fun and making me do something I don't want to do... I'll move in that direction a little. But I don't really want to pick up my toys and your'e trying to make me do it."

Mom's goal of getting Sally to pick up the toys now and get to bed is effectively being blocked by a stubborn lack of enthusiastic cooperation. Feeling that she is being pushed to obey, Sally is changing or morphing her goal of reward without responsibility into a goal not cooperating with Mom. This new goal is called the goal of Power, which I'll unpack later.

Energized, and now decidedly angry because her goal to get Sally to obey is being blocked by Sally. Mom's determined goal has met the immovable, or at least slow moving, rock of a child. Later, when we look at the goal of Power, we'll see that it's not an irrational (though still wrong) goal for Sally to pursue.

Mom, now motivated, dives headlong into the power struggle... "Sally, if you want to play with your toys tomorrow, then listen to me now. Get moving and put those toys away this instant!" Ah, the threat of  imminent punishment in a doubled-down serious tone of voice reminiscent of Mt. Sinai, and yet another repetition of the original directions. Mom's goal is to get Sally to obey. She's now trying to find the sufficient motivator to move Sally toward obedience.

By the way, look who's taking the responsibility for Sally's obedience... Mom.
"Pick this up.. another one over here... that's not where it goes... you know where it goes... put it on the shelf..." 

Train up a child in the way he should go... And what is Mom's training teaching Sally? What she isn't teaching is that responsibility goes hand in hand with the good things in life. Instead by reducing this episode down to one of obedience or disobedience in conjunction with her goal to get Sally to obey, Mom has sidetracked the two of them into a battle of wills. A battle that Mom with a six year old is bound to win by applying superior force of threat and oversight.

Let me state right here: Children are not our property upon whom we should enforce our wills, even when wanting them to go in the right direction.  Yes they're our children, yet by stewardship if you will. In fact, made in the image of God they have their own individual wills that are meant to choose freely. In general*, by ignoring that truth and simply enforcing "the way they should go" is to violate that principle. And consistently violating that principle can ultimately lead to a child choosing the path of robot or rebel, rather than responsibility. But as I mentioned, we'll get into a child's goal of Power more deeply in a later post.

to be continued...

[*In general: this is not to say there aren't times, especially with young children, that a situation may required the parent to enforce a command. If my three year old, after being told to stay away from the street, goes to the curb and starts to step down I will certainly make a beeline to grab him and pull him away.]

Why do I get into power struggles with my child?

As I've briefly mentioned before, when a parent gets into a power struggle with their child, it is due to the parent's wrong goal of trying to enforce a behavioral change upon their child.  And the thing about power struggles is that they start out not seeming like anything more than a case of my child just isn't clear on what I want him to do or he just isn't listening closely.  You know this routine, I'm sure.

Little 6 year-old Sally is playing in the living room.  Mom (or Dad) says, "Time for bed.  Start cleaning up your toys and get on your pajamas."  The little girl says "OK", but keeps on playing.  A few minutes later, in a somewhat more serious tone, the parent calls out, "Sally, I told you it's time for bed.  Now clean up and get going!"


And the dance begins in earnest.  It takes two to tango...

"Mommy, can't I play for just a little more?" 
"No!  You heard me.  I said clean up your toys now."
Sally, putting on her mopey face, starts making a rather half-hearted effort at picking up her toys... very, very slowly... leaving some here and some there.
Mom's patience is now running very thin.  Time for Mother to bring some real motivation to bear on the situation.  In a raised and this-time-I-really-mean-it voice...
"Sally, if you want to play with your toys tomorrow, then listen to me now.  Get moving and put those toys away this instant!"
A little more movement ever so grudgingly, as the half-hearted effort of Sally ramps up to about half-hearted-plus-one.
Mom now enters the living room again and, this time emptied of patience, personally points out each toy and telling the child, "Pick this up.. another one over here... that's not where it goes... you know where it goes... put it on the shelf...", etc...

The whole episode continues like this into the bathroom and bedroom until Mom, now angry at Sally for not obeying, has issued  issued threats of a spanking... or actually has administered one along with oft-given and suitable mini-lecture about listening to Mommy.  This is all accompanied by tears, I'm sorry's, and Mom feeling bad about the whole episode.

What just happened and why?

Discipline, power struggles, and patience...

A mom writes in:
Mr. Miller,
I would love to hear more of your input concerning discipline, power struggles, and patience. I have a two and a half year old son who I am, for lack of better words, constantly battling. He is very smart for his age and very strong willed. He will not stay in time out, taking his favorite things away doesn't work ,and spankings just seems to fuel the fire. I am constantly praying for God to give me more patience, but feel I am lacking the tools to obtain said patience. Proverbs 15:1 says "A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger" How do I know if my struggle for power or lack of patience is causing his acting out, or if this is just a two year old being a two year old?


What is going on inside of our children? What directs their paths of disobedience and ofttimes defiance? As we get into discussing the purpose of parenting, the above email is a good starting point. The most common, as well as frustrating, discipline experience that parents encounter is a power struggle. We've touched on this already in the post Lies, damnable lies, and power struggles. I wrote then, "You're in a classic power struggle due to your wrong goal not his wrong behavior. The point being that if you are in a power struggle with your child, it is due to misidentifying what is going on in your child and trying to directly "change his or her immediate behavior." In the last post I highlighted a core principle to keep in mind, i.e. The goal of parenting is not to change your child. If that is the goal of your discipline, lectures, or warnings, then a power struggle with your child is probably something you're familiar with.


What is the purpose of parenting? The purpose is, through discipline, teaching, and relationship, to drive out the foolishness which naturally resides in children. Proverbs 22:15a says it well, Foolishness is bound up in the heart of a child. This is what is wrong with kids. Every non-organic problem that a child has is ultimately a product of foolishness. And this spring of foolishness in a child bubbles up in all kinds of situations with all kinds of outward behavioral symptoms. Unless foolishness is defined properly the remedy applied will be inadequate at best and can lead to, among other problems, power struggles.


To avoid power struggles it is therefore imperative to understand what foolishness is. In a nutshell it is simply sin. And at the root of that sin is a wellspring of incorrect, self-dependent beliefs that lead to the pursuing of wrong goals, the fruit of which are the outward wrong behaviors. So we see that there are three parts to foolishness or sin:

Iceberg View of Sin

1. Belief: A core breaking away or independence from God. Children are born in sin apart from God and are by nature committed to believe "I can live by myself... by my own understanding."
2. Goal: The directions and purposes which in opposition to God which children pursue, consistent with their wrong beliefs. "I set my own direction and choose goals consistent with my beliefs of how to get what I want at any given moment."
3. Acts: These are the visible transgressions of God's moral universe, His laws, i.e. the outward wrong behavior that attempts to fulfill a wrong goal based on their wrong belief. A child (like adults) naturally does what seems right in their own eyes. They do what they think is immediately best.


As parents, what we mostly see is the outward misbehavior... the tip of the iceberg. The natural inclination is to deem those outward behaviors as the problem, focus on them and set goals to get the child to stop whatever it is they're doing wrong. But to take that approach ignores the largest part of the iceberg beneath the waterline which steers the tip, the beliefs and goals of foolishness, the source of the wrong behavior. Stop the behavior only and what still remains is the underground foolishness undisturbed and unchallenged - ready to find expression in some other behavior.


Effective biblical parenting thus requires an adequate view of the sin which is bound up in the heart of a child. Having this definition in focus, the next question to be addressed will be how does discipline drive out foolishness? The second part of Proverbs 22: 15 reads, But the rod of correction shall drive it far from him. This is not a promise per se, but a principle. In general, discipline is to be aimed at the wrong beliefs and wrong goals of a child, not directly at the misbehavior. It is foolishness that gives life and direction to wrong behaviors. The purpose of discipline is to give to the child sufficient bitter tastes along the way of the truth that going one's independent way in opposition to responsible and moral choices leads not to pleasure and happiness, but to pain and discomfort. Discipline seeks to provide unpleasant reminders to children in such a way that, when confronted with those parental administered doses of reality, they will reconsider their self-centered views and choices in order to more closely conform themselves to God's moral universe. And that always entails consideration of the longer term implications of their choices.


The lesson to be taught by parents, through discipline applied in the context of a loving relationship (and hopefully learned by their children) is that rather than following after one's own self-directed ways, choosing to live in a responsible, moral direction really is the best and only option available which leads one down the path intended by their Creator and thus worth following.

Lies, damnable lies, and power struggles...

A question about lying. Our five year old, is lying and is sometimes good at it, and sometimes not.
What is the best way to 1. view this behavior, 2. "block" this behavior and 3. set a goal for truth telling?  Also, specifically, what to do when you are not sure if they are telling a the lie or not?
Thank you in advance.


I can imagine you're feeling a lot of concern and quite a bit of frustration as you deal with this behavior of your son's.  Right off the bat here are the short answers:
    1.  Though not to condone it, his behavior is normal, i.e. it's in the realm of what kids do (Proverbs 22:15 "Foolishness [sin] is bound up in the heart of a child...").  Saying that, it sounds like the lying may have become an entrenched pattern.  Yes, cause for concern and attention, but not how you may be thinking.  
    2.  The best way to block your child from lying?... If we're talking the best godly way or the best way consistent with effective parenting, then the answer is - there isn't a best way.  In fact there isn't any sure way, short of covering his mouth with a gag.  You really don't have the power or means to block his lying, nor should you.  And I imagine at the heart of your question is this very dilemma.  Everything you're trying isn't working to stop this.
    3.  I'm not sure what you're exactly getting at in this last question.  It sounds like you're asking, "how does a parent structure things so that the child eventually stops lying", which seems to be corollary  of question 2.  You can't set that goal for him.  Remember, I'm defining a goal as a direction a person chooses to go because he believes that is the best way to get what they believe they need.  Being foolish at heart and also very short-term in their considerations, children often pursue a behavior like lying in order to gain or preserve (their unseen goal) something.  Yet there are ways of handling these kinds of problem behaviors that, though not a guarantee, increase the likelihood of diminishing them.


On an upcoming post I'll discuss some general guidelines and principles for how to be thinking this kind of thing through.  But for now here are some thoughts.  If you think your son is lying and it's something you can't know for sure then don't grill him about.  Ignore it.  If you get into it, then most likely you will end up in a power struggle... you trying to get him to admit his lying, he refusing to confess.  And, you really don't know for sure.  If you find yourself in a power struggle, know that you're going the wrong way, so stop and get out of it.  Getting into a power struggle will just strengthen his foolishness to not come clean (Mommy can't make me admit anything).  Even if you succeed in forcing an admission, that too can end up reinforcing his commitment to it.


But if you do catch him in a lie about something that is easily provable, then that's the time for discipline.  Let's say he knows he's supposed to bring his bike into the garage when he is finished riding it.  You ask him, "Did you bring your bike in?"  He answers, "Yes!".  You look outside and see the bike on the sidewalk.  Now, I will suggest that you not address his lie directly at this time.  If you do, you may quickly find yourself in a power struggle.  Let there be a discipline for not putting the bike away (he can't use it tomorrow, for instance).  But don't address his lie at this time.  He'll know that you know he lied.  Should he be disciplined for the provable lie?  Yes, but not with a lecture, a scolding, etc.  Treat it like a routine traffic ticket... a simple consequence, maybe 15 minutes to bed early would suffice, that you announce later that evening.  Don't make it a big deal of it at bedtime.  Be a bit nonchalant about it, no commentary - just a brief explanation.  When it happens again in other situations, same routine.


Right now the heightened attention with all the expected back and forth to expose and stop his lying is only fueling his digging in.  In a way your efforts to make him stop lying is like trying to force him into a moral box.  We want our kids to choose the right moral direction.  We can't force them do it, nor should we try.  Meeting your attempts to make him change, he resists (you can't make me) and thus foolishly latches even more to lying as a way to not be controlled by Mom.  You're in a classic power struggle due to your wrong goal* not his wrong behavior.  The immediate direction you need to pursue right now is to get out of a power struggle (new right goal) over the lying.  


*Remember, a goal is something you're committed to and believe you must accomplish.  What I call a good goal is one in which you can take 100% responsibility for completing, i.e. a good goal and the actions to carry out that goal are not dependent on the cooperation of another for success.   A bad or wrong goal would be one you're committed to accomplishing in which you do need the cooperation of another for success. 


Have goals in which you have 100% responsibility to control and complete in your parenting and 0% responsibility to control or change your child's behavior.  Does that sound confusing?  More later...