To spank or not to spank, that is the question...

[Apologies for my continued absence here at PFB.  I hope to posting again again soon.... 2/24/12] 

The question inevitably arises, when should a parent spank a child as an appropriate form of discipline? Certainly people can differ on this one. I come down on the side that there is a place for spankings. So, when to spank and why? Well first, I want to say that it is important to keep in mind that spanking can often devolve into the default one-size-fits-all discipline for a child's disobedience And many parents will gravitate to one extreme or another, either spanking too often or avoiding it altogether. Discipline is not just a punishment but should be at the heart a teaching moment, an exercise that is aimed at changing a child's foolish beliefs and goals. Given that parents can too easily fall into the habit of using discipline merely as the tool employed to stop their child's misbehavior, spankings can devolve into the ultimate go-to in order to enforce obedience, which ironically can result in undermining the very purpose of discipline.
OK, just the initial PFB facts:

• Spanking should be reserved for those acts that involve a child's clear outward defiance of obedience.  If you would, the size of the sin is measured more in terms of attitude and motivation behind the disobedience than just the breaking of a rule.  
• Spanking should be regarded as a "teaching moment" for the good of your child.  Thus the discipline applied should be characterized by strong conviction rather than strong emotion.  I'm not saying that as parents we have to act as if we're emotionally detached from our child's disobedience.  Rather, understanding that discipline is applied in order to impact and change a child's foolish beliefs and goals of self-centered living, a parent needs be under control in order to take time to explain the particular rule that was disobeyed and why the child's behavior violated that rule.  Once the spanking is applied that is it.  No recriminations are needed.  And it is indeed appropriate and right to comfort your child afterwards.  Don't apologize.  
• Spanking is an event to be received by the child.  It's not an impulsive act, i.e. not an emotional time to lose your cool.  It's understandable and OK to be angry, but have your emotions under control.  Take time to do that, if necessary, before administering the discipline.
• Remember, underneath that outward act of defiance is not just a rebel, as it were, but a scared individual, unsure of his or her place and value as a person.  More is involved than simply raw defiance.   

 When outward raw defiance is not involved in your child's disobedience, then two other forms of discipline to use are:

1. Withdrawal of a privilege or opportunity for enjoyment.  If a privilege (a recreation or toy) is abused then the consequence is to withdrawal it or another such privilege.
2. Additional Responsibility.  If the misbehavior is a failing to do a responsibility (a chore, homework, etc.) then add a responsibility as a logical consequence.

Both of these disciplines can take many forms and need not be "heavy punishments."  Again, the goal of discipline is to, over time, impact a child's thinking in order that they choose to forgo their foolish strategies and adopt responsible living.  It's not meant to produce immediate transformation!  Consistent discipline applied to those observable patterns of misbehavior is key to weakening those wrong beliefs and goals.  You don't need to fret if you miss occasions for discipline.  More opportunities will always be in the offing. Good parenting is more about your direction and overall consistency than whether you make mistakes or flub a situation now and then.  So carry on.

When to discipline...

What are the prerequisites for discipline? As anyone who has been a parent for a while knows, children do all kinds of things that can bug Mom and Dad. Parents, any number of times, find themselves suddenly meting out a discipline that has more to do with a frustrating moment than actual breaking of a rule. Though having prerequisites for discipline will not magically transform a frustrated parent into one who's always fair and balanced nor produce perfect children, they will help set a direction to point the way for parents as to when and when not to discipline. The idea is to have some structure and guidelines for the benefit of the parent as well as the child.

Four broad areas that I think are important for governing when to discipline:

High-Tech Graphic

1. Discipline requires a clear standard made known by parents and understood by their children.  Children are natural blame-shifters and without an unambiguous standard the beneficial effect of any discipline will be undermined. Clear standards are things such as household rules, daily routines, and responsibilities that children are subject to, as well as rules for specific or temporary situations.
2. The standards or rules must reflect biblical moral reality.  This moral reality is simply the common wisdom (amplified in the Bible) which says that responsible living works best in this world and irresponsible behavior doesn't... that one should treat others rightly, that it's good to care for one's possessions and that of another, that obedience is a good thing to learn. In short it's essentially taking responsibility for one's life and loving thy neighbor as thyself.
3. Structure and rules imposed by parents should reflect the growing responsibility of their children.  OK, what does that mean and what does it look like?  Essentially, the idea is that as my child grows more responsibility will be required of him.  At the same time, he'll also have more latitude to make his own choices.  My two-year-old will have a fewer number of responsibilities and less freedom to choose than my thirteen-year-old.  The accompanying high-tech-graphic depicts the concept.  The older a child grows, the Form expands as responsibilities grow.  What does Form signify?  Simply, it represents the non-negotiable standards that parents require.  It's evident that as children grow they need rules and responsibilities.  They also need expanding boundaries in which they, without parental interference, can make their own choices.  So within the moral boundaries of Form (the rules) there is Freedom to choose to do whatever a child wants without any consequence imposed by the parent.  Simply said, if a behavior doesn't violate a rule of the form, then the child is free to do it. Outside the moral boundaries of Form they are still free to choose but not without a consequence.  That is when discipline is imposed. The child's free will is respected while at the same time reinforcing the lesson that what they choose has consequences.
4. Effective discipline requires contingent application. Simply said - "when this, then that." Parents need to be consistent by following through with consequences when their children disobey the clear moral standards set up.

What I would suggest is to sit down and think through the standards you've set up in your family. How do they reflect the above?  Do you need to add some rules or structure (set meal times with certain requirements, morning and evening routines)? Do you need to remove some? Where and how do you need to be clearer in your requirements? Are there things that you require of your children that reflect merely what bugs you at the moment and not what violates set rules reflecting a moral value? Be wary of having an abundance of rules. You're trying to communicate a moral direction to your children, not put them in a moral strait-jacket.  Relax... remember that the purpose of having rules and discipline is to weaken foolishness, not to find formulas that "work", i.e. get my children to obey right now or to quickly get them past the problem behavior of the month.  This is a long-term enterprise and change often comes slowly! 

Also, by coming back again and again to the Form and Freedom concept you'll be able to adjust your rules and discipline as necessary. You'll be able to more clearly discipline foolishness rather than your child's shyness, mistakes, or curiosity, or annoyances. It can help in identifying your child's underground foolishness as well as help in recognizing any unnecessary micro-managing of the details of your children's daily situations.  As pointed out before, the idea is to come up with some structure and guidelines to help you set and maintain an effective direction in your parenting.  It's way more about direction than doing everything right.

What is Discipline?

Before continuing with the continuing saga of Sally and Mom, I want to further discuss discipline.  Moving forward it's important to have a good understanding of it.  As mentioned in other posts, discipline is the biblical remedy for foolishness in children.  Remember that foolishness defined is simply a core belief that I can make it own my own in this world without God and/or conforming to His moral order.  This is a conviction that if left unchecked grows and strengthens over time.

Discipline, as a remedy, is aimed at changing that internal foolishness, not its fruit, i.e. behavior.  It's purpose is to encourage a belief change concerning the best way to live.  Discipline is not primarily to teach a moral value.  Moral values are certainly taught but not directly.  When discipline is reduced down to "do what's right, don't do what's wrong" the child begins to think "I have to cram myself beneath these values or I can resist."  So again, discipline is the prescription for changing foolish beliefs.  It isn't a guarantee.  It is the proper parental response to the core problem in children - 1) because is is aimed at the child's wrong beliefs which animate the direction of their wrong choices and 2) it respects them as individuals made in the image of God.  Children (like us all) are created as relational beings meant to believe their own beliefs, set their own goals, choose behaviors that are consistent with those goals, and to have their own emotional responses to life.  They are not our property.  Allow your children the right to disobey... yet not without consequences.

In order to flesh out how discipline is intended to work take a look at the physical reality of this world.  There are consequences to going against physical laws and quite naturally children learn how best to live through a cause and effect  relationship.  The stove in the kitchen is hot.  I tell my two year old "Don't touch the stove, it's hot!"  He touches it and immediately feels pain!  That cause and effect quickly teaches a lesson about God's physical order.

But what about the other reality of God's world, His moral order?  This reality is invisible.  You can't see it nor touch it with your hand.  And yet it is just as concrete and real.  Like the physical realm, the moral realm is created by God and life works best when we conform to the laws of that unseen reality.  But the problem is that our children are born disinclined to believe (foolishness) in this moral structure.  This is something all parents know but are too often shocked and surprised when that foolishness expresses itself.  Mom and Dad teach Sally, "Be kind to your little brother, share with him."  Sally disagrees that this is the best way to act thinking, "No, my little brother just took my toy.  I'm going to hit him!"

Herein lies the difficulty of teaching right and wrong.  This order isn't as easily learned as the physical.  First, children are born disbelieving the truth of how they were created to live.  They actively are opposed to that direction.  That isn't so with the physical realm.  And secondly, there is a rather long gap between the sowing and the reaping.  The pain of a burn from a hot stove is immediate.  The lesson is learned.  When someone acts against the moral laws surrounding them it, in fact, often works... for a time.  There is a painful reaping which eventually comes, if not in this life then afterwards (Psalm 73).  And we all become quite adept at finding ways of delaying the various consequences of following our own self-serving paths.  So too with children who really don't believe that if they violate God's moral order that things won't work out.  They can ignore it unless...

Effective parenting demonstrates to children that going against the moral reality or laws of this life will lead to discomfort and pain not to pleasure... by exhibiting that a moral order does exist.  How?... by introducing some immediacy of consequences around their children.  Those disciplines of discomfort applied to their foolishness are minor "glimpses" of the very real painful consequences that ultimately result from defying that moral reality. Discipline is a disagreeable consequence meant to coax children to reconsider their wrong beliefs and change direction.

So... discipline is the loving-parental-provision of what foolish-belief-governed-behavior will lead to if embraced in this life.  That sample of pain is thus aimed at weakening that wrong moral-world view in children.

What just happened and why?

The question in the title of this post refers back to the Sally bedtime episode:

Little 6 year-old Sally is playing in the living room. Mom (or Dad) says, "Time for bed. Start cleaning up your toys and get on your pajamas."   

So far so good. Regular bedtimes (consistent structure) and requiring age-appropriate responsibility in our kids is part of good parenting. The only caveat I want to offer here is the following. When giving directions or on the spot rules (often required in certain situations), especially with young children, Mom or Dad shouldn't just call out from the other room or from behind the newspaper (or more likely the computer screen). Stop what you are doing and get their attention. Remember, you are "training [easily distracted children] in the way they should go" not trying to set up a test of obedience. "Sally, do you understand what you need to do now? OK then, start cleaning up now." You're laying down clear tracks for them to travel on. If they don't follow through then you'll know that something other than a misunderstanding is afoot.

The little girl says "OK", but keeps on playing.

Ah ha... foolishness is afoot! But where is it... what is it?

A few minutes later, in a somewhat more serious tone, the parent calls out,"Sally, I told you it's time for bed. Now clean up and get going!"

And the dance begins in earnest. It takes two to tango...
Mom has just misdiagnosed what is going on. She is correct in that Sally is disobeying. But this is not raw outward defiant disobedience (No, I won't!!). There is something going on underneath at an unnoticed level. Sally is pursuing an irresponsible and foolish goal. "I don't want to clean up and go to bed. I want to keep playing now because I'm enjoying this. I'll ignore Mom right now and get to play at least a little longer..."

Remember, children are always pursuing a goal or moving in a direction via their behavior. When observing their behavior start becoming a little curious. Pause... and get in the habit of asking yourself, "What's going on here? Why is she not listening? What is my child's goal? What does he or she want or... what is she trying to accomplish?

Sally is pursuing the goal of Reward without Responsibility. And what is that? Distilled, it's basically an internal process of belief and goal that says, "I want to be catered to, to be notice, to have my world revolve around me. I really want my world to go well, but I don't want to be responsible for that happening." Sally wants someone else to assume the responsibility that is hers; the very natural and self-absorbed world view that we all are born with as fallen image-bearers. This is the main wrong goal that children are pursuing most of the time in their disobedience.

"Mommy, can't I play for just a little more?"
Bingo, there it is! Consistent with her natural foolishness, Sally wants the reward of playing with her toys without obeying and embracing the responsibility that goes with those toys as well as that of a set bedtime. Sally is thinking along the lines of - "I'd rather play now because this I'm enjoying this. Maybe I can stay up just a little longer. I'll just keep playing, I'm having fun and this is what I want to do."

"No! You heard me. I said clean up your toys now."
Mom is now bringing out the some heavier leverage. A stern answer and reminder of what Sally has to do right now. Mom's thinking, "That little girl is just ignoring me... I told her to clean up and it's important for her to obey! I'm gonna let her know I mean business." A Power Struggle is now blossoming, ready to grow into full bloom. And the power struggle that Mom is entering is a result of setting the goal to "get Sally to obey!" A goal that requires Sally's cooperation if Mom is to succeed. That's what I define as a bad goal. Mom's successful parenting is now dependent upon a dance partner... a partner who wants to dance, but not to her tune!

Sally starts the slow-mopey two-step, sending the message of "Mommy, you're spoiling my fun and making me do something I don't want to do... I'll move in that direction a little. But I don't really want to pick up my toys and your'e trying to make me do it."

Mom's goal of getting Sally to pick up the toys now and get to bed is effectively being blocked by a stubborn lack of enthusiastic cooperation. Feeling that she is being pushed to obey, Sally is changing or morphing her goal of reward without responsibility into a goal not cooperating with Mom. This new goal is called the goal of Power, which I'll unpack later.

Energized, and now decidedly angry because her goal to get Sally to obey is being blocked by Sally. Mom's determined goal has met the immovable, or at least slow moving, rock of a child. Later, when we look at the goal of Power, we'll see that it's not an irrational (though still wrong) goal for Sally to pursue.

Mom, now motivated, dives headlong into the power struggle... "Sally, if you want to play with your toys tomorrow, then listen to me now. Get moving and put those toys away this instant!" Ah, the threat of  imminent punishment in a doubled-down serious tone of voice reminiscent of Mt. Sinai, and yet another repetition of the original directions. Mom's goal is to get Sally to obey. She's now trying to find the sufficient motivator to move Sally toward obedience.

By the way, look who's taking the responsibility for Sally's obedience... Mom.
"Pick this up.. another one over here... that's not where it goes... you know where it goes... put it on the shelf..." 

Train up a child in the way he should go... And what is Mom's training teaching Sally? What she isn't teaching is that responsibility goes hand in hand with the good things in life. Instead by reducing this episode down to one of obedience or disobedience in conjunction with her goal to get Sally to obey, Mom has sidetracked the two of them into a battle of wills. A battle that Mom with a six year old is bound to win by applying superior force of threat and oversight.

Let me state right here: Children are not our property upon whom we should enforce our wills, even when wanting them to go in the right direction.  Yes they're our children, yet by stewardship if you will. In fact, made in the image of God they have their own individual wills that are meant to choose freely. In general*, by ignoring that truth and simply enforcing "the way they should go" is to violate that principle. And consistently violating that principle can ultimately lead to a child choosing the path of robot or rebel, rather than responsibility. But as I mentioned, we'll get into a child's goal of Power more deeply in a later post.

to be continued...

[*In general: this is not to say there aren't times, especially with young children, that a situation may required the parent to enforce a command. If my three year old, after being told to stay away from the street, goes to the curb and starts to step down I will certainly make a beeline to grab him and pull him away.]

Foolishness and discipline...

Discipline, behavior enforcement?

Let's review a bit...  First, what is the core problem with children?  In a word, foolishness is the problem (see Proverbs 10:1; 15:20-21; 17:21; 22:15 and Jer. 4:22), which just so happens to be the same core problem in all of us!  And what is foolishness?  One way of defining it is the belief that outward comforts and things will satisfy the soul, and that we are convinced we have the power to gain that satisfaction independently of God.  Or more simply, foolishness is the belief that I can be happy if I get what I want, my own way.  Second, what is the purpose of discipline? Discipline is the application of an unpleasant consequence which delivers a prompt reminder that the above strongly-held foolish world-view is not only wrong but if consistently pursued will lead to heartache. 

Proverbs 22: 6 speaks of "training" a child in the way he should go.  Discipline is a central part of that training.  The word "train" in the Hebrew has the sense of - to narrow; or figuratively, to initiate, inaugurate.   As parents, one of the main things we are trying to do is narrow the field of choices that our children will want to make.  In so doing, parents are initiating them into a direction or path for living life that is not only right and works best in this world, but a path that will be of their children's own free choosing; parents can't make their children go the right way.  Another way of putting it is that through discipline, teaching, and relationship parents are working to instill or create a desire in their children for a moral direction that is right and good, one that cuts across the natural foolishness bound up in the heart.  In light of this understanding, we can then affirm that the goal of any specific discipline is not to change a child's behavior directly, but rather to give them pause, an immediate reminder that holding onto their wrong belief and goal (the fruit of which is selfish or irresponsible behavior) doesn't lead to happiness but rather to unhappiness.

Why the emphasis on foolishness and the purpose of discipline?  The understanding of these two key elements is at the center of the "control panel" that parents need to look at in order to make sense of their child's wrong behavior and to get an idea of what direction to take as an appropriate parental response.  When confronted with misbehavior in children, the parent's job is to diagnose, which entails thinking through and understanding what's really going on, and to administer an effective prescription that addresses the core problem of foolishness.

Discipline, power struggles, and patience...

A mom writes in:
Mr. Miller,
I would love to hear more of your input concerning discipline, power struggles, and patience. I have a two and a half year old son who I am, for lack of better words, constantly battling. He is very smart for his age and very strong willed. He will not stay in time out, taking his favorite things away doesn't work ,and spankings just seems to fuel the fire. I am constantly praying for God to give me more patience, but feel I am lacking the tools to obtain said patience. Proverbs 15:1 says "A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger" How do I know if my struggle for power or lack of patience is causing his acting out, or if this is just a two year old being a two year old?


What is going on inside of our children? What directs their paths of disobedience and ofttimes defiance? As we get into discussing the purpose of parenting, the above email is a good starting point. The most common, as well as frustrating, discipline experience that parents encounter is a power struggle. We've touched on this already in the post Lies, damnable lies, and power struggles. I wrote then, "You're in a classic power struggle due to your wrong goal not his wrong behavior. The point being that if you are in a power struggle with your child, it is due to misidentifying what is going on in your child and trying to directly "change his or her immediate behavior." In the last post I highlighted a core principle to keep in mind, i.e. The goal of parenting is not to change your child. If that is the goal of your discipline, lectures, or warnings, then a power struggle with your child is probably something you're familiar with.


What is the purpose of parenting? The purpose is, through discipline, teaching, and relationship, to drive out the foolishness which naturally resides in children. Proverbs 22:15a says it well, Foolishness is bound up in the heart of a child. This is what is wrong with kids. Every non-organic problem that a child has is ultimately a product of foolishness. And this spring of foolishness in a child bubbles up in all kinds of situations with all kinds of outward behavioral symptoms. Unless foolishness is defined properly the remedy applied will be inadequate at best and can lead to, among other problems, power struggles.


To avoid power struggles it is therefore imperative to understand what foolishness is. In a nutshell it is simply sin. And at the root of that sin is a wellspring of incorrect, self-dependent beliefs that lead to the pursuing of wrong goals, the fruit of which are the outward wrong behaviors. So we see that there are three parts to foolishness or sin:

Iceberg View of Sin

1. Belief: A core breaking away or independence from God. Children are born in sin apart from God and are by nature committed to believe "I can live by myself... by my own understanding."
2. Goal: The directions and purposes which in opposition to God which children pursue, consistent with their wrong beliefs. "I set my own direction and choose goals consistent with my beliefs of how to get what I want at any given moment."
3. Acts: These are the visible transgressions of God's moral universe, His laws, i.e. the outward wrong behavior that attempts to fulfill a wrong goal based on their wrong belief. A child (like adults) naturally does what seems right in their own eyes. They do what they think is immediately best.


As parents, what we mostly see is the outward misbehavior... the tip of the iceberg. The natural inclination is to deem those outward behaviors as the problem, focus on them and set goals to get the child to stop whatever it is they're doing wrong. But to take that approach ignores the largest part of the iceberg beneath the waterline which steers the tip, the beliefs and goals of foolishness, the source of the wrong behavior. Stop the behavior only and what still remains is the underground foolishness undisturbed and unchallenged - ready to find expression in some other behavior.


Effective biblical parenting thus requires an adequate view of the sin which is bound up in the heart of a child. Having this definition in focus, the next question to be addressed will be how does discipline drive out foolishness? The second part of Proverbs 22: 15 reads, But the rod of correction shall drive it far from him. This is not a promise per se, but a principle. In general, discipline is to be aimed at the wrong beliefs and wrong goals of a child, not directly at the misbehavior. It is foolishness that gives life and direction to wrong behaviors. The purpose of discipline is to give to the child sufficient bitter tastes along the way of the truth that going one's independent way in opposition to responsible and moral choices leads not to pleasure and happiness, but to pain and discomfort. Discipline seeks to provide unpleasant reminders to children in such a way that, when confronted with those parental administered doses of reality, they will reconsider their self-centered views and choices in order to more closely conform themselves to God's moral universe. And that always entails consideration of the longer term implications of their choices.


The lesson to be taught by parents, through discipline applied in the context of a loving relationship (and hopefully learned by their children) is that rather than following after one's own self-directed ways, choosing to live in a responsible, moral direction really is the best and only option available which leads one down the path intended by their Creator and thus worth following.

What's wrong with my child?!

In order to be on course to parent effectively, one needs to have a clear understanding on what is wrong with children. Why? Because the prescription that parents apply when they encounter problem behaviors is dependent on their assumption of what the problem is, i.e. the diagnosis. If the diagnosis is wrong then, of course, the prescription will not have its intended result. Effective discipline depends upon understanding what is the core problem in children and learning how to recognize it in the midst of often emotionally charge situations involving stubborn problem behaviors.

The problem with children is what Scripture calls foolishness, i.e. sin. In other words it is exactly what ails us all, no more, no less. And the core of foolishness is not the behavior but the belief behind it. Foolishness is that inward disposition regarding life which not only believes that outward things will satisfy the soul, but that one has the power to independently satisfy himself on his own terms. In a nutshell it's a belief that says, "I can be happy if I get what I want, my way." This is the core problem in children. And it is to this problem that discipline is to be directed. A problem behavior is simply the outworking of a wrong or foolish belief. So discipline is specifically purposed to weaken a child's foolishness; that they would reconsider and alter their belief about what's the best way to act in a given situation. Proverbs 22:15 reads, Foolishness is bound up in the heart of a child; The rod of discipline will remove it far from him (the point is effective discipline which includes much more than just spanking). To simply use discipline as a form of unpleasant, over-powering persuasion in order to get the child to change their behavior will leave the belief intact. That wrong belief will just show up in some other behavioral problem, often with more resolve on the child's part. I doubt there are few parents who can't relate to this. As parents our default position is to demand and expect obedience. With young kids especially obedience is often given, only to see it fade away in an instant as some other act of disobedience materializes seemingly out of nowhere.

Defining a child's core problem as foolishness or a committed self-centered way of living is not to deny there are real emotional difficulties that children may struggle with. They do experience various hurts and fears. And those struggles are often interwoven into a particular problem behavior. But it is essential to not lose sight of what is the main fuel behind the pattern of any behavioral problem - a wrong belief, foolishness. Next up, how to read the instrument panel while flying through behavioral storms, in order to recognize foolishness in action, so as to apply an effective discipline.

Fears and bedtime Pt. 2

How do I help my 8 year old cope with fear? Fear of spiders, shots, his parents dying, the pain of death itself. He is my thinker and stays up late in bed worrying. We're moving to Rwanda so many of these fears are sparked by what he's heard about Rwanda's history.  (See Pt. 1 here)

I can understand your concern and worry given your upcoming move.  In order to answer your question I'll be assuming certain things.  So feel free to get back to me.  Whether my assumptions are correct or not, the main thing, hopefully, is to encourage you to start thinking about this situation and parenting-in-general in a new and helpful way.  

The first thing I would ask is what are you doing now in response to your son's fears? Often, upon seeing troubling behaviors (e.g. fears/anxieties) in their kids, parents usually say and do the things needed and reasonable … explaining and comforting in hopes of giving the child a basis for understanding he need not be afraid. But if those fears and the connected behaviors (not going to sleep) continue, too often, parents follow a plan that devotes more and more time with the child as bedtime gets later, reassuring, explaining, praying, etc.  I think this is the wrong direction..

First of all, I would not try to make “removing his fear” your goal. You can’t change that directly and in fact he may be “enjoying” the benefit of the additional attention. Be open to the possibility that you may be facilitating his illegitimate strategy of gaining Mom’s attention at bedtime (don’t discount that). If so, then by going along that path you are inadvertently strengthening his foolish belief and goal, or what may better be called “strengthening a fool” (Proverbs 22:15).  This isn’t to say he isn’t feeling afraid, but that he’s learning to “use” that fear in order to get what he wants. And, in some ways, the additional attention can actually be reinforcing those fears.  "Mommy is spending all this time with me.  Maybe my fear is a big deal!"

You have decided to go to Rwanda. There are indeed legitimate concerns and even fears that one could rightly entertain. So, are you feeling “responsible” for your son’s struggles due to your decision? Feeling pressure and urgency, possibly, to “fix him” (see post on goals) before you actually go there?

You need not only be aware of your child’s foolish goals (i.e. manipulating his world to get what he wants – we’re all prone to that!), but likewise to exploring your own possible wrong goals in response. “We need to get him over this before we leave!” Also, you may be diagnosing the symptom of  “his fear” as the problem rather than “his foolishness.” If you’re feeling frustrated or even angry,  it’s a good bet you’re pursuing a goal that he can and is blocking... what I call a bad goal. You need to have a parenting goal that your child cannot block.  Something to think through, again and again, that will lead to better parental strategies.

So, #1) I would cease the any extra bedtime attention if that is what is occurring. Reassure and explain that it’s OK for him to feel afraid even though there is nothing to fear at bedtime. Regarding Rwanda, I would minimized his concerns by reinforcing he is safe within his family.  Not giving him the extra time reinforces that truth. #2) Have reasonable rules regarding bedtime, e.g. he may not get out of bed even if afraid or is thirsty, etc. If he cries, let him know that’s OK. If he gets mad, that’s OK. But if in getting mad, he then gets out of bed or breaks some other household rule (kicking his wall, throwing something at the door - inappropriate expressions of anger), then discipline that.  Don't avoid that due to his preoccupation with fear. The discipline may involve a withdrawal of some toy or  some playtime the next day. No anger, no lecture which only changes the focus away from his disobedience to Mom is mad...  Let the discipline speak.

Your goal is to identify as best you can the foolishness (attention on demand?) underneath his bedtime routine of being afraid. Then, to stop anything on your part that cooperates with his wrong goal. Encourage him by simply treating him as OK (even with fears) and don’t exempt him from the normal rules. I would also add that what contributes to helping him feel and act more secure is the overall consistency and reliability of your household family structure - consistent rules and disciplines, chores, playtime, relational time with parents, set mealtimes, etc.  

Again, inappropriate patterns in children don’t always change quickly. Don’t slip into the wrong belief of “If I do this, then he will change.” Your job isn’t to change him, it’s to parent responsibly which includes you taking 100% responsibility for what you can control.  Be willing to have some turbulence and storm clouds as you follow a course not set by your child. Your job is not to produce a flawless kid, but to work at thinking through, with knowledge and understanding, your parenting in these kinds of things... always adjusting your goals and what you are doing as needed, in order to parent more effectively.

Free feel to follow up with any other info or questions.