Parenting - fears and concerns...

Excerpts from an email:

As I was reading your most recent post, I noticed your comment on the universal fear of "I'm not sure I'll do the right thing and I may make matters worse!"

... I have often felt that fear of becoming a parent knowing quite confidently that I won't do everything right, no matter how good my intentions, and how damaging that can be to a person. I am the very case in point that good intentions don't "right" the wrongs.

...At one point several years ago before I was even married, this thought so-terrified me that I couldn't fathom how it could ever be OK to have children, knowing you were going to bring them into the world and not only be unable to protect them from my own deficiencies, but I would actually be the one causing it in their life!

...While I recognize that fears take on that crazy, irrational face, such as I have voiced, and that God's grace is and always will be sufficient in my life and the life of the children God may bring to my husband and me,  I wondered if you might be able to speak to that fear at all?

Thanks for your email.  Here are some thoughts in response to your concerns.  If you have a more specific question, let me know:

Fears regarding parenting certainly aren't unusual, although your particular background may magnify them more or less. Part of my reason for this blog is to supply, hopefully, a direction or pathway to guide parents in those moments of turmoil and fear of doing the wrong thing. The metaphor, flying blind, actually speaks to that concern. "I can't see which way to fly.  I might crash this thing."  Look to the control panel.  No matter how confident or prepared we are, at times in parenting we will be flying blind - confronted by fears, small and great. It can be the fear of messing up my child's life or, especially as children get older, the fear that my child will reject me due to my parenting. It goes with the territory.  I would encourage you to not let those fears determine whether to become a parent or not.

And will you be prepared to be a parent? Yes and no.  It may be that you have a more magnified view of the potential pitfalls of parenting in light of your past. And, it's probably inevitable that some remnants of your parent's short-comings will find their way, at times, into your own parenting.  We live in a fallen world.  We make mistakes, sometimes big ones.  One thing to keep in mind is that you need not avoid mistakes in order to parent effectively.   Rather, the key thing is the direction you take in parenting.  If your direction is more or less consistent with those principles reflected in the wisdom God has given us and that found in Scripture, then your mistakes (which are certain to be made) will have less bearing on how your children grow and mature.  Parenting is about teaching a direction to take in life, not a project to produce children free from flaws and hurts.

Even if you cause your children some hurts that "leaves a mark" on their soul, they have an even bigger obstacle to overcome, and that is their own foolishness.  Learning to live in a responsible manner (basically, doing the right thing) carries more weight for good in a person's life than a hurt done to them does for ill.   Jesus said to the crowd, "It is not what enters into the mouth that defiles a man, but what proceeds out of the mouth, this defiles a man."  Paraphrased, "It's not what happens to you that can hurt you, but how you respond, this can hurt you."  That lesson taught and learned helps guide children in a good direction, even when hurt by others, when things aren't fair, or when wronged though in the right.  The right direction trumps the bumps along the way.  You would, I imagine, wish you could have some sort of guarantee that if you have children  they will "turn out" or that you will turn out to be a good parent.   How your children will turn out we can't know.  You, however, can actually choose to be a "good" parent, and by this I mean you can set your compass in a that direction (ups and downs, good and bad, failures and successes still the direction is what matters).  An in so doing then take your concerns, fears, hopes, and desires (the things you can't control) and make them the subject of your prayers to God.

Your point about good intentions not sufficient to "right the wrongs" leads me to this last thought.  The over-arching umbrella of parenting is that of grace.  God loves and accepts us in Christ despite our sin and rebelliousness toward him.... "just as I am..."  The word grace embodies this.  We seek to love our children even though in reality they're never as obedient and good as they should be.  And even though we fall short in loving them as we ought, those failures can become instruments of reconciliation.  Parental screw-ups, big and small, can become pathways of grace to our children, teaching that at the core of relationship is repentance and forgiveness.  To be a good parent, I don't have my act totally together.