To spank or not to spank, that is the question...

[Apologies for my continued absence here at PFB.  I hope to posting again again soon.... 2/24/12] 

The question inevitably arises, when should a parent spank a child as an appropriate form of discipline? Certainly people can differ on this one. I come down on the side that there is a place for spankings. So, when to spank and why? Well first, I want to say that it is important to keep in mind that spanking can often devolve into the default one-size-fits-all discipline for a child's disobedience And many parents will gravitate to one extreme or another, either spanking too often or avoiding it altogether. Discipline is not just a punishment but should be at the heart a teaching moment, an exercise that is aimed at changing a child's foolish beliefs and goals. Given that parents can too easily fall into the habit of using discipline merely as the tool employed to stop their child's misbehavior, spankings can devolve into the ultimate go-to in order to enforce obedience, which ironically can result in undermining the very purpose of discipline.
OK, just the initial PFB facts:

• Spanking should be reserved for those acts that involve a child's clear outward defiance of obedience.  If you would, the size of the sin is measured more in terms of attitude and motivation behind the disobedience than just the breaking of a rule.  
• Spanking should be regarded as a "teaching moment" for the good of your child.  Thus the discipline applied should be characterized by strong conviction rather than strong emotion.  I'm not saying that as parents we have to act as if we're emotionally detached from our child's disobedience.  Rather, understanding that discipline is applied in order to impact and change a child's foolish beliefs and goals of self-centered living, a parent needs be under control in order to take time to explain the particular rule that was disobeyed and why the child's behavior violated that rule.  Once the spanking is applied that is it.  No recriminations are needed.  And it is indeed appropriate and right to comfort your child afterwards.  Don't apologize.  
• Spanking is an event to be received by the child.  It's not an impulsive act, i.e. not an emotional time to lose your cool.  It's understandable and OK to be angry, but have your emotions under control.  Take time to do that, if necessary, before administering the discipline.
• Remember, underneath that outward act of defiance is not just a rebel, as it were, but a scared individual, unsure of his or her place and value as a person.  More is involved than simply raw defiance.   

 When outward raw defiance is not involved in your child's disobedience, then two other forms of discipline to use are:

1. Withdrawal of a privilege or opportunity for enjoyment.  If a privilege (a recreation or toy) is abused then the consequence is to withdrawal it or another such privilege.
2. Additional Responsibility.  If the misbehavior is a failing to do a responsibility (a chore, homework, etc.) then add a responsibility as a logical consequence.

Both of these disciplines can take many forms and need not be "heavy punishments."  Again, the goal of discipline is to, over time, impact a child's thinking in order that they choose to forgo their foolish strategies and adopt responsible living.  It's not meant to produce immediate transformation!  Consistent discipline applied to those observable patterns of misbehavior is key to weakening those wrong beliefs and goals.  You don't need to fret if you miss occasions for discipline.  More opportunities will always be in the offing. Good parenting is more about your direction and overall consistency than whether you make mistakes or flub a situation now and then.  So carry on.

Oil tankers and parenting...

Returning once again to the evening drama of Sally and Mom, we last witnessed Mom stopped dead in the water as she realized she was in a power struggle and needed to change direction.

"So when you find yourself in a power struggle, the first thing to do is to stop going in that direction.... But Jack, are you saying just let Sally disobey? Of course not."

But that doesn't mean you find some other way to pursue the wrong goal of getting her to obey. So what does a parent do in a situation like this? Well, sometimes it's best to just accept that the fact that you missed the mark. And that would mean choosing to now handle the situation in a way that is not yet another strategy to still get Sally to obey. I know, this sounds backwards, but hear me out.

First, that wrong goal to "get Sally to obey" is more embedded in you as a deeply felt commitment than you may realize. And why is it a wrong or bad goal?  Because Sally can effectively block it.  So, it's necessary to begin, if you would, putting that thing to death. Second, by following this advice you won't be going in the wrong direction. You'll be turning around. An oil tanker out in the ocean needs to travel as much as five miles in order to make a 180 degree turn. That takes time. If you were to take a snapshot of that tanker at different points during its course correction, it would appear as if it was going in the wrong direction. But actually, it's going in the right direction as it reverses course.

So there you are, dead in the water wondering what to do next. One way to handle this would be something as simple as: Go into the living room. Gently take Sally by the hand, letting her know that you're both going into the bedroom to get her ready for bed. Leave the toys. Continue with the normal bedtime routine, no recriminations, no reminders. It will likely feel like you're not doing what is best (getting Sally to obey), but it will be consistent with a godly purpose, which is what we want to be led by.  Kiss her goodnight and know that tomorrow is another day. This evening you're changing direction (which will likely be repeated again... and again). Success for you at this point is defined as choosing a goal that is responsible which doesn't seek to go back and get Sally to obey the original instructions. Helping her to get ready for bed fits that bill as a godly purpose. And, young children often simply need to be led in the direction that they ought to go. It's part of that "train up a child in the way they should go" thing by sometimes just leading your child in the right direction.

To be continued...

The continuing saga of Sally and Mom...

Back to bedtime power struggles from this earlier post.  Mom as you recall, not recognizing that Sally was pursuing the goal of reward without responsibility, had gotten herself into a power struggle with Sally.  Mom's goal was to get Sally to pick up her toys and then for her to move into the bedroom to get ready for bed.  Sally's goal was to ignore Mom's regular nightly admonition because she was enjoying playing with her toys and didn't want to stop... very normal, garden variety foolishness.  Mom, not appreciating Sally's indifference to her directions, slipped seamlessly into a power struggle. Here's the thing:  the default response in a parent to a child's disobedience is to meet that disobedience with superior force (warnings, threats, spankings) as a way to get them to obey.  It seems so right.  Obedience is good.  My child isn't obeying.  So, I will get my child to obey!  But as we've seen, and any parent has surely experienced, this often leads to an escalating episode of emotion, warnings, and threats resulting in little real obedience.

My premise is that most parents (even those who understand this stuff) are already part way into a power struggle before they realize, "Oops, bad idea."  So when you find yourself in a power struggle, the first thing to do is to stop going in that direction.  Stop trying to get "Sally" to obey.  In other words, get out of the power struggle.  The power struggle is due to the wrong goal that you've committed yourself to, i.e. get "Sally" to obey.  Extricating yourself from the power struggle entails jettisoning that wrong goal*.  As parents, we entirely underestimate our own culpability for these kinds of situations.  But Jack, are you saying just let Sally disobey?  Of course not.  But the path to effective parenting is not through parents winning power struggles.  Better to back out of a power struggle not knowing what to do next than to continue in a battle of the wills.  You can't go in a good direction without first stopping the wrong direction.  Think repentance first, then a new direction.

*Remember, a goal is something you're committed to and believe you must accomplish.  What I call a good goal is one in which you can take 100% responsibility for completing, i.e. a good goal and the actions to carry out that goal are not dependent on the cooperation of another for success.   A bad or wrong goal would be one you're committed to accomplishing in which you do need the cooperation of another for success. 

When to discipline...

What are the prerequisites for discipline? As anyone who has been a parent for a while knows, children do all kinds of things that can bug Mom and Dad. Parents, any number of times, find themselves suddenly meting out a discipline that has more to do with a frustrating moment than actual breaking of a rule. Though having prerequisites for discipline will not magically transform a frustrated parent into one who's always fair and balanced nor produce perfect children, they will help set a direction to point the way for parents as to when and when not to discipline. The idea is to have some structure and guidelines for the benefit of the parent as well as the child.

Four broad areas that I think are important for governing when to discipline:

High-Tech Graphic

1. Discipline requires a clear standard made known by parents and understood by their children.  Children are natural blame-shifters and without an unambiguous standard the beneficial effect of any discipline will be undermined. Clear standards are things such as household rules, daily routines, and responsibilities that children are subject to, as well as rules for specific or temporary situations.
2. The standards or rules must reflect biblical moral reality.  This moral reality is simply the common wisdom (amplified in the Bible) which says that responsible living works best in this world and irresponsible behavior doesn't... that one should treat others rightly, that it's good to care for one's possessions and that of another, that obedience is a good thing to learn. In short it's essentially taking responsibility for one's life and loving thy neighbor as thyself.
3. Structure and rules imposed by parents should reflect the growing responsibility of their children.  OK, what does that mean and what does it look like?  Essentially, the idea is that as my child grows more responsibility will be required of him.  At the same time, he'll also have more latitude to make his own choices.  My two-year-old will have a fewer number of responsibilities and less freedom to choose than my thirteen-year-old.  The accompanying high-tech-graphic depicts the concept.  The older a child grows, the Form expands as responsibilities grow.  What does Form signify?  Simply, it represents the non-negotiable standards that parents require.  It's evident that as children grow they need rules and responsibilities.  They also need expanding boundaries in which they, without parental interference, can make their own choices.  So within the moral boundaries of Form (the rules) there is Freedom to choose to do whatever a child wants without any consequence imposed by the parent.  Simply said, if a behavior doesn't violate a rule of the form, then the child is free to do it. Outside the moral boundaries of Form they are still free to choose but not without a consequence.  That is when discipline is imposed. The child's free will is respected while at the same time reinforcing the lesson that what they choose has consequences.
4. Effective discipline requires contingent application. Simply said - "when this, then that." Parents need to be consistent by following through with consequences when their children disobey the clear moral standards set up.

What I would suggest is to sit down and think through the standards you've set up in your family. How do they reflect the above?  Do you need to add some rules or structure (set meal times with certain requirements, morning and evening routines)? Do you need to remove some? Where and how do you need to be clearer in your requirements? Are there things that you require of your children that reflect merely what bugs you at the moment and not what violates set rules reflecting a moral value? Be wary of having an abundance of rules. You're trying to communicate a moral direction to your children, not put them in a moral strait-jacket.  Relax... remember that the purpose of having rules and discipline is to weaken foolishness, not to find formulas that "work", i.e. get my children to obey right now or to quickly get them past the problem behavior of the month.  This is a long-term enterprise and change often comes slowly! 

Also, by coming back again and again to the Form and Freedom concept you'll be able to adjust your rules and discipline as necessary. You'll be able to more clearly discipline foolishness rather than your child's shyness, mistakes, or curiosity, or annoyances. It can help in identifying your child's underground foolishness as well as help in recognizing any unnecessary micro-managing of the details of your children's daily situations.  As pointed out before, the idea is to come up with some structure and guidelines to help you set and maintain an effective direction in your parenting.  It's way more about direction than doing everything right.

When Mommy met Sally...

When we last checked in on the bedtime tango of mother and child, Mom had failed to recognize Sally's foolish goal of Reward without Responsibility. As a result she had opted to pursue her own goal of getting Sally to obey, which led to a power struggle as Mom took responsibility to become the motivational force pushing Sally in the direction of obedience. A wee bit exhausting...

What is taking place in little Sally is not raw disobedience. Hers is not an outward defiance. Rather she's pursuing an underground strategy to manipulate her world so that she can get what she wants (to play) without having to take any accompanying responsibility (cleanup). Now keep in mind that this is natural to children. They're born this way... foolish - inclined to want their world to revolve around themselves and have someone else take on the duties of life.

But there is more than just a Machiavellian mindset of foolishness within our children. Made in the image of God, they are created to know the certainty of being valued by another... to be loved and to matter.  Just as foolishness in their hearts is a reality, there also exists a thirst for relational acceptance. Yet coupled with that thirst is the very real fear that they don't have what it takes to take things on.

Herein is the core philosophical dilemma of humanity.  As fallen creatures made in the image of God, how do we face a fallen world without God?  Given the challenge of that situation, children are understandably scared as they face life.  To a child, avoiding the responsibilities of childhood makes sense, "Mom and Dad, you take care of me... you take responsibility for making things work out well for me."  This fear combined with foolishness often directs children away from taking on their world.  And in those moments children wrongly think short-term, believing it is better to go for immediate gratification or to seek the safety of avoiding challenges.  It is through discipline and instruction in a loving relationship that parents seek to redirect those wrong beliefs and goals in order that their children would take on their world with responsible behavior towards others and the tasks of life.

Since Reward without Responsibility is the main foolish goal children pursue it is then essential that parents are able to recognize it.  As I've said before - become curious about what's behind your children's irresponsibility and misbehavior as it unfolds in different situations.  Take time to trouble-shoot and come up with some working hypotheses.  Again, there are no pat answers and formulas, but there are principles to guide.  Every child is different, so there's a variety of expressions to foolishness.  And every child will have multiple situations where RwR is in action.  It isn't necessary to find them all and discipline each occurrence.  Your purpose is not to eradicate foolishness or directly change your child's behavior, but to parent in a direction and have a family structure that reflects how this world works.  And one part of doing this is by identifying a few problem areas and bringing logical consequences to bear on a consistent basis.  Discipline (including natural consequences) is aimed at weakening foolishness, a wrong belief about how best to live life.  It is not the means by which parents produce obedient children.

So, how can a parent recognize that Reward without Responsibility is operating in their child?  Two questions to ask in order to think this through are:

• Does your children seem casually indifferent to the consequences of their behavior?  If so, then your children are missing something they were meant to experience, i.e. the consequences of behavior actually has impact.    They are missing the joy or sorrow of knowing that what they decide to do really matters and makes a difference in their life and in the lives of others.
• As a parent, do you feel like your children's servant?  If your routine is to give reminder after reminder, repeating instructions to be obeyed, and generally acting as the motivator and overseer to your children's obedience then you should step back and ask herself, "What's going on here?"... What am I doing?... Am I merely strengthening a fool with all my hovering, threats, etc.?"

Some examples of a child pursuing Reward without Responsibility would be things like:  leaving a bicycle out at the end of the day, being late for school, not picking up their toys or clothes, telling tall tales (wanting recognition without truthfulness), not eating their meals...  The list obviously goes on.  

Feel free to suggest other examples or to ask if a particular behavior falls under Reward without Responsibility. To be continued...  

What is Discipline?

Before continuing with the continuing saga of Sally and Mom, I want to further discuss discipline.  Moving forward it's important to have a good understanding of it.  As mentioned in other posts, discipline is the biblical remedy for foolishness in children.  Remember that foolishness defined is simply a core belief that I can make it own my own in this world without God and/or conforming to His moral order.  This is a conviction that if left unchecked grows and strengthens over time.

Discipline, as a remedy, is aimed at changing that internal foolishness, not its fruit, i.e. behavior.  It's purpose is to encourage a belief change concerning the best way to live.  Discipline is not primarily to teach a moral value.  Moral values are certainly taught but not directly.  When discipline is reduced down to "do what's right, don't do what's wrong" the child begins to think "I have to cram myself beneath these values or I can resist."  So again, discipline is the prescription for changing foolish beliefs.  It isn't a guarantee.  It is the proper parental response to the core problem in children - 1) because is is aimed at the child's wrong beliefs which animate the direction of their wrong choices and 2) it respects them as individuals made in the image of God.  Children (like us all) are created as relational beings meant to believe their own beliefs, set their own goals, choose behaviors that are consistent with those goals, and to have their own emotional responses to life.  They are not our property.  Allow your children the right to disobey... yet not without consequences.

In order to flesh out how discipline is intended to work take a look at the physical reality of this world.  There are consequences to going against physical laws and quite naturally children learn how best to live through a cause and effect  relationship.  The stove in the kitchen is hot.  I tell my two year old "Don't touch the stove, it's hot!"  He touches it and immediately feels pain!  That cause and effect quickly teaches a lesson about God's physical order.

But what about the other reality of God's world, His moral order?  This reality is invisible.  You can't see it nor touch it with your hand.  And yet it is just as concrete and real.  Like the physical realm, the moral realm is created by God and life works best when we conform to the laws of that unseen reality.  But the problem is that our children are born disinclined to believe (foolishness) in this moral structure.  This is something all parents know but are too often shocked and surprised when that foolishness expresses itself.  Mom and Dad teach Sally, "Be kind to your little brother, share with him."  Sally disagrees that this is the best way to act thinking, "No, my little brother just took my toy.  I'm going to hit him!"

Herein lies the difficulty of teaching right and wrong.  This order isn't as easily learned as the physical.  First, children are born disbelieving the truth of how they were created to live.  They actively are opposed to that direction.  That isn't so with the physical realm.  And secondly, there is a rather long gap between the sowing and the reaping.  The pain of a burn from a hot stove is immediate.  The lesson is learned.  When someone acts against the moral laws surrounding them it, in fact, often works... for a time.  There is a painful reaping which eventually comes, if not in this life then afterwards (Psalm 73).  And we all become quite adept at finding ways of delaying the various consequences of following our own self-serving paths.  So too with children who really don't believe that if they violate God's moral order that things won't work out.  They can ignore it unless...

Effective parenting demonstrates to children that going against the moral reality or laws of this life will lead to discomfort and pain not to pleasure... by exhibiting that a moral order does exist.  How?... by introducing some immediacy of consequences around their children.  Those disciplines of discomfort applied to their foolishness are minor "glimpses" of the very real painful consequences that ultimately result from defying that moral reality. Discipline is a disagreeable consequence meant to coax children to reconsider their wrong beliefs and change direction.

So... discipline is the loving-parental-provision of what foolish-belief-governed-behavior will lead to if embraced in this life.  That sample of pain is thus aimed at weakening that wrong moral-world view in children.

Parenting - fears and concerns...

Excerpts from an email:

As I was reading your most recent post, I noticed your comment on the universal fear of "I'm not sure I'll do the right thing and I may make matters worse!"

... I have often felt that fear of becoming a parent knowing quite confidently that I won't do everything right, no matter how good my intentions, and how damaging that can be to a person. I am the very case in point that good intentions don't "right" the wrongs.

...At one point several years ago before I was even married, this thought so-terrified me that I couldn't fathom how it could ever be OK to have children, knowing you were going to bring them into the world and not only be unable to protect them from my own deficiencies, but I would actually be the one causing it in their life!

...While I recognize that fears take on that crazy, irrational face, such as I have voiced, and that God's grace is and always will be sufficient in my life and the life of the children God may bring to my husband and me,  I wondered if you might be able to speak to that fear at all?

Thanks for your email.  Here are some thoughts in response to your concerns.  If you have a more specific question, let me know:

Fears regarding parenting certainly aren't unusual, although your particular background may magnify them more or less. Part of my reason for this blog is to supply, hopefully, a direction or pathway to guide parents in those moments of turmoil and fear of doing the wrong thing. The metaphor, flying blind, actually speaks to that concern. "I can't see which way to fly.  I might crash this thing."  Look to the control panel.  No matter how confident or prepared we are, at times in parenting we will be flying blind - confronted by fears, small and great. It can be the fear of messing up my child's life or, especially as children get older, the fear that my child will reject me due to my parenting. It goes with the territory.  I would encourage you to not let those fears determine whether to become a parent or not.

And will you be prepared to be a parent? Yes and no.  It may be that you have a more magnified view of the potential pitfalls of parenting in light of your past. And, it's probably inevitable that some remnants of your parent's short-comings will find their way, at times, into your own parenting.  We live in a fallen world.  We make mistakes, sometimes big ones.  One thing to keep in mind is that you need not avoid mistakes in order to parent effectively.   Rather, the key thing is the direction you take in parenting.  If your direction is more or less consistent with those principles reflected in the wisdom God has given us and that found in Scripture, then your mistakes (which are certain to be made) will have less bearing on how your children grow and mature.  Parenting is about teaching a direction to take in life, not a project to produce children free from flaws and hurts.

Even if you cause your children some hurts that "leaves a mark" on their soul, they have an even bigger obstacle to overcome, and that is their own foolishness.  Learning to live in a responsible manner (basically, doing the right thing) carries more weight for good in a person's life than a hurt done to them does for ill.   Jesus said to the crowd, "It is not what enters into the mouth that defiles a man, but what proceeds out of the mouth, this defiles a man."  Paraphrased, "It's not what happens to you that can hurt you, but how you respond, this can hurt you."  That lesson taught and learned helps guide children in a good direction, even when hurt by others, when things aren't fair, or when wronged though in the right.  The right direction trumps the bumps along the way.  You would, I imagine, wish you could have some sort of guarantee that if you have children  they will "turn out" or that you will turn out to be a good parent.   How your children will turn out we can't know.  You, however, can actually choose to be a "good" parent, and by this I mean you can set your compass in a that direction (ups and downs, good and bad, failures and successes still the direction is what matters).  An in so doing then take your concerns, fears, hopes, and desires (the things you can't control) and make them the subject of your prayers to God.

Your point about good intentions not sufficient to "right the wrongs" leads me to this last thought.  The over-arching umbrella of parenting is that of grace.  God loves and accepts us in Christ despite our sin and rebelliousness toward him.... "just as I am..."  The word grace embodies this.  We seek to love our children even though in reality they're never as obedient and good as they should be.  And even though we fall short in loving them as we ought, those failures can become instruments of reconciliation.  Parental screw-ups, big and small, can become pathways of grace to our children, teaching that at the core of relationship is repentance and forgiveness.  To be a good parent, I don't have my act totally together.  

What just happened and why?

The question in the title of this post refers back to the Sally bedtime episode:

Little 6 year-old Sally is playing in the living room. Mom (or Dad) says, "Time for bed. Start cleaning up your toys and get on your pajamas."   

So far so good. Regular bedtimes (consistent structure) and requiring age-appropriate responsibility in our kids is part of good parenting. The only caveat I want to offer here is the following. When giving directions or on the spot rules (often required in certain situations), especially with young children, Mom or Dad shouldn't just call out from the other room or from behind the newspaper (or more likely the computer screen). Stop what you are doing and get their attention. Remember, you are "training [easily distracted children] in the way they should go" not trying to set up a test of obedience. "Sally, do you understand what you need to do now? OK then, start cleaning up now." You're laying down clear tracks for them to travel on. If they don't follow through then you'll know that something other than a misunderstanding is afoot.

The little girl says "OK", but keeps on playing.

Ah ha... foolishness is afoot! But where is it... what is it?

A few minutes later, in a somewhat more serious tone, the parent calls out,"Sally, I told you it's time for bed. Now clean up and get going!"

And the dance begins in earnest. It takes two to tango...
Mom has just misdiagnosed what is going on. She is correct in that Sally is disobeying. But this is not raw outward defiant disobedience (No, I won't!!). There is something going on underneath at an unnoticed level. Sally is pursuing an irresponsible and foolish goal. "I don't want to clean up and go to bed. I want to keep playing now because I'm enjoying this. I'll ignore Mom right now and get to play at least a little longer..."

Remember, children are always pursuing a goal or moving in a direction via their behavior. When observing their behavior start becoming a little curious. Pause... and get in the habit of asking yourself, "What's going on here? Why is she not listening? What is my child's goal? What does he or she want or... what is she trying to accomplish?

Sally is pursuing the goal of Reward without Responsibility. And what is that? Distilled, it's basically an internal process of belief and goal that says, "I want to be catered to, to be notice, to have my world revolve around me. I really want my world to go well, but I don't want to be responsible for that happening." Sally wants someone else to assume the responsibility that is hers; the very natural and self-absorbed world view that we all are born with as fallen image-bearers. This is the main wrong goal that children are pursuing most of the time in their disobedience.

"Mommy, can't I play for just a little more?"
Bingo, there it is! Consistent with her natural foolishness, Sally wants the reward of playing with her toys without obeying and embracing the responsibility that goes with those toys as well as that of a set bedtime. Sally is thinking along the lines of - "I'd rather play now because this I'm enjoying this. Maybe I can stay up just a little longer. I'll just keep playing, I'm having fun and this is what I want to do."

"No! You heard me. I said clean up your toys now."
Mom is now bringing out the some heavier leverage. A stern answer and reminder of what Sally has to do right now. Mom's thinking, "That little girl is just ignoring me... I told her to clean up and it's important for her to obey! I'm gonna let her know I mean business." A Power Struggle is now blossoming, ready to grow into full bloom. And the power struggle that Mom is entering is a result of setting the goal to "get Sally to obey!" A goal that requires Sally's cooperation if Mom is to succeed. That's what I define as a bad goal. Mom's successful parenting is now dependent upon a dance partner... a partner who wants to dance, but not to her tune!

Sally starts the slow-mopey two-step, sending the message of "Mommy, you're spoiling my fun and making me do something I don't want to do... I'll move in that direction a little. But I don't really want to pick up my toys and your'e trying to make me do it."

Mom's goal of getting Sally to pick up the toys now and get to bed is effectively being blocked by a stubborn lack of enthusiastic cooperation. Feeling that she is being pushed to obey, Sally is changing or morphing her goal of reward without responsibility into a goal not cooperating with Mom. This new goal is called the goal of Power, which I'll unpack later.

Energized, and now decidedly angry because her goal to get Sally to obey is being blocked by Sally. Mom's determined goal has met the immovable, or at least slow moving, rock of a child. Later, when we look at the goal of Power, we'll see that it's not an irrational (though still wrong) goal for Sally to pursue.

Mom, now motivated, dives headlong into the power struggle... "Sally, if you want to play with your toys tomorrow, then listen to me now. Get moving and put those toys away this instant!" Ah, the threat of  imminent punishment in a doubled-down serious tone of voice reminiscent of Mt. Sinai, and yet another repetition of the original directions. Mom's goal is to get Sally to obey. She's now trying to find the sufficient motivator to move Sally toward obedience.

By the way, look who's taking the responsibility for Sally's obedience... Mom.
"Pick this up.. another one over here... that's not where it goes... you know where it goes... put it on the shelf..." 

Train up a child in the way he should go... And what is Mom's training teaching Sally? What she isn't teaching is that responsibility goes hand in hand with the good things in life. Instead by reducing this episode down to one of obedience or disobedience in conjunction with her goal to get Sally to obey, Mom has sidetracked the two of them into a battle of wills. A battle that Mom with a six year old is bound to win by applying superior force of threat and oversight.

Let me state right here: Children are not our property upon whom we should enforce our wills, even when wanting them to go in the right direction.  Yes they're our children, yet by stewardship if you will. In fact, made in the image of God they have their own individual wills that are meant to choose freely. In general*, by ignoring that truth and simply enforcing "the way they should go" is to violate that principle. And consistently violating that principle can ultimately lead to a child choosing the path of robot or rebel, rather than responsibility. But as I mentioned, we'll get into a child's goal of Power more deeply in a later post.

to be continued...

[*In general: this is not to say there aren't times, especially with young children, that a situation may required the parent to enforce a command. If my three year old, after being told to stay away from the street, goes to the curb and starts to step down I will certainly make a beeline to grab him and pull him away.]

Why do I get into power struggles with my child?

As I've briefly mentioned before, when a parent gets into a power struggle with their child, it is due to the parent's wrong goal of trying to enforce a behavioral change upon their child.  And the thing about power struggles is that they start out not seeming like anything more than a case of my child just isn't clear on what I want him to do or he just isn't listening closely.  You know this routine, I'm sure.

Little 6 year-old Sally is playing in the living room.  Mom (or Dad) says, "Time for bed.  Start cleaning up your toys and get on your pajamas."  The little girl says "OK", but keeps on playing.  A few minutes later, in a somewhat more serious tone, the parent calls out, "Sally, I told you it's time for bed.  Now clean up and get going!"


And the dance begins in earnest.  It takes two to tango...

"Mommy, can't I play for just a little more?" 
"No!  You heard me.  I said clean up your toys now."
Sally, putting on her mopey face, starts making a rather half-hearted effort at picking up her toys... very, very slowly... leaving some here and some there.
Mom's patience is now running very thin.  Time for Mother to bring some real motivation to bear on the situation.  In a raised and this-time-I-really-mean-it voice...
"Sally, if you want to play with your toys tomorrow, then listen to me now.  Get moving and put those toys away this instant!"
A little more movement ever so grudgingly, as the half-hearted effort of Sally ramps up to about half-hearted-plus-one.
Mom now enters the living room again and, this time emptied of patience, personally points out each toy and telling the child, "Pick this up.. another one over here... that's not where it goes... you know where it goes... put it on the shelf...", etc...

The whole episode continues like this into the bathroom and bedroom until Mom, now angry at Sally for not obeying, has issued  issued threats of a spanking... or actually has administered one along with oft-given and suitable mini-lecture about listening to Mommy.  This is all accompanied by tears, I'm sorry's, and Mom feeling bad about the whole episode.

What just happened and why?

Foolishness and discipline...

Discipline, behavior enforcement?

Let's review a bit...  First, what is the core problem with children?  In a word, foolishness is the problem (see Proverbs 10:1; 15:20-21; 17:21; 22:15 and Jer. 4:22), which just so happens to be the same core problem in all of us!  And what is foolishness?  One way of defining it is the belief that outward comforts and things will satisfy the soul, and that we are convinced we have the power to gain that satisfaction independently of God.  Or more simply, foolishness is the belief that I can be happy if I get what I want, my own way.  Second, what is the purpose of discipline? Discipline is the application of an unpleasant consequence which delivers a prompt reminder that the above strongly-held foolish world-view is not only wrong but if consistently pursued will lead to heartache. 

Proverbs 22: 6 speaks of "training" a child in the way he should go.  Discipline is a central part of that training.  The word "train" in the Hebrew has the sense of - to narrow; or figuratively, to initiate, inaugurate.   As parents, one of the main things we are trying to do is narrow the field of choices that our children will want to make.  In so doing, parents are initiating them into a direction or path for living life that is not only right and works best in this world, but a path that will be of their children's own free choosing; parents can't make their children go the right way.  Another way of putting it is that through discipline, teaching, and relationship parents are working to instill or create a desire in their children for a moral direction that is right and good, one that cuts across the natural foolishness bound up in the heart.  In light of this understanding, we can then affirm that the goal of any specific discipline is not to change a child's behavior directly, but rather to give them pause, an immediate reminder that holding onto their wrong belief and goal (the fruit of which is selfish or irresponsible behavior) doesn't lead to happiness but rather to unhappiness.

Why the emphasis on foolishness and the purpose of discipline?  The understanding of these two key elements is at the center of the "control panel" that parents need to look at in order to make sense of their child's wrong behavior and to get an idea of what direction to take as an appropriate parental response.  When confronted with misbehavior in children, the parent's job is to diagnose, which entails thinking through and understanding what's really going on, and to administer an effective prescription that addresses the core problem of foolishness.

Discipline, power struggles, and patience...

A mom writes in:
Mr. Miller,
I would love to hear more of your input concerning discipline, power struggles, and patience. I have a two and a half year old son who I am, for lack of better words, constantly battling. He is very smart for his age and very strong willed. He will not stay in time out, taking his favorite things away doesn't work ,and spankings just seems to fuel the fire. I am constantly praying for God to give me more patience, but feel I am lacking the tools to obtain said patience. Proverbs 15:1 says "A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger" How do I know if my struggle for power or lack of patience is causing his acting out, or if this is just a two year old being a two year old?


What is going on inside of our children? What directs their paths of disobedience and ofttimes defiance? As we get into discussing the purpose of parenting, the above email is a good starting point. The most common, as well as frustrating, discipline experience that parents encounter is a power struggle. We've touched on this already in the post Lies, damnable lies, and power struggles. I wrote then, "You're in a classic power struggle due to your wrong goal not his wrong behavior. The point being that if you are in a power struggle with your child, it is due to misidentifying what is going on in your child and trying to directly "change his or her immediate behavior." In the last post I highlighted a core principle to keep in mind, i.e. The goal of parenting is not to change your child. If that is the goal of your discipline, lectures, or warnings, then a power struggle with your child is probably something you're familiar with.


What is the purpose of parenting? The purpose is, through discipline, teaching, and relationship, to drive out the foolishness which naturally resides in children. Proverbs 22:15a says it well, Foolishness is bound up in the heart of a child. This is what is wrong with kids. Every non-organic problem that a child has is ultimately a product of foolishness. And this spring of foolishness in a child bubbles up in all kinds of situations with all kinds of outward behavioral symptoms. Unless foolishness is defined properly the remedy applied will be inadequate at best and can lead to, among other problems, power struggles.


To avoid power struggles it is therefore imperative to understand what foolishness is. In a nutshell it is simply sin. And at the root of that sin is a wellspring of incorrect, self-dependent beliefs that lead to the pursuing of wrong goals, the fruit of which are the outward wrong behaviors. So we see that there are three parts to foolishness or sin:

Iceberg View of Sin

1. Belief: A core breaking away or independence from God. Children are born in sin apart from God and are by nature committed to believe "I can live by myself... by my own understanding."
2. Goal: The directions and purposes which in opposition to God which children pursue, consistent with their wrong beliefs. "I set my own direction and choose goals consistent with my beliefs of how to get what I want at any given moment."
3. Acts: These are the visible transgressions of God's moral universe, His laws, i.e. the outward wrong behavior that attempts to fulfill a wrong goal based on their wrong belief. A child (like adults) naturally does what seems right in their own eyes. They do what they think is immediately best.


As parents, what we mostly see is the outward misbehavior... the tip of the iceberg. The natural inclination is to deem those outward behaviors as the problem, focus on them and set goals to get the child to stop whatever it is they're doing wrong. But to take that approach ignores the largest part of the iceberg beneath the waterline which steers the tip, the beliefs and goals of foolishness, the source of the wrong behavior. Stop the behavior only and what still remains is the underground foolishness undisturbed and unchallenged - ready to find expression in some other behavior.


Effective biblical parenting thus requires an adequate view of the sin which is bound up in the heart of a child. Having this definition in focus, the next question to be addressed will be how does discipline drive out foolishness? The second part of Proverbs 22: 15 reads, But the rod of correction shall drive it far from him. This is not a promise per se, but a principle. In general, discipline is to be aimed at the wrong beliefs and wrong goals of a child, not directly at the misbehavior. It is foolishness that gives life and direction to wrong behaviors. The purpose of discipline is to give to the child sufficient bitter tastes along the way of the truth that going one's independent way in opposition to responsible and moral choices leads not to pleasure and happiness, but to pain and discomfort. Discipline seeks to provide unpleasant reminders to children in such a way that, when confronted with those parental administered doses of reality, they will reconsider their self-centered views and choices in order to more closely conform themselves to God's moral universe. And that always entails consideration of the longer term implications of their choices.


The lesson to be taught by parents, through discipline applied in the context of a loving relationship (and hopefully learned by their children) is that rather than following after one's own self-directed ways, choosing to live in a responsible, moral direction really is the best and only option available which leads one down the path intended by their Creator and thus worth following.

Parenting - which way to go?

When reading books on parenting one almost exclusively finds the focus to be on what a parent should do in x,y, or z situation.  If this, then that!  One reason, certainly, is that every parent is looking for practical help and answers.  Yet what often results is a type of parenting that becomes a cookbook approach to raising children.  Tell me what to do and I'll do it... give me the recipe!  My advice to you is to not fall into that trap - i.e. looking for recipes for this or that child behavioral problem.  When the emphasis is on techniques and set steps something crucial goes missing - i.e. the underlying principles that are meant to actually guide one's parenting.  When those principles are distilled into simply set steps or cookbook recipes, parenting all too often becomes a series of methods by which parents seek to pour their children into a particular moral mold.  Raising children is more than producing a moral product.  And the fact of the matter is there are no set steps that exclusively put biblical principles of parenting into practice.

So why do parents gravitate to cookbook approaches?  The most obvious reason is probably convenience.  Parenting children, as I've said, is seemingly bigger than any one or two parents and involves so many more things during the day than the latest behavioral crisis.  Where's the recipe when you need it?!  I've got two other children and dinner to cook!  A less obvious but more central reason for wanting set steps (one most parents can relate to) is the fear that I may do the wrong thing if left to myself.  I'm not sure I'll do the right thing, and I may make matters worse!  They may not listen!  How we parent does matter, so the fear that I may screw things up is understandable.  Recognizing that fear when it hits though, helps keep it from overly influencing our thinking and what we decide to do or don't do.

The other problem with a cookbook approach is that it incorrectly assumes a one-to-one relationship:  that the child's outward behavior is the problem and the discipline I apply is the solution... if I choose the right discipline, then my child will respond the right way.  Be keen to avoid the "if this, then that" type of reasoning.  If my kids are behaving, then I'm parenting well.  If my kids are misbehaving, then I'm parenting poorly.  Obviously there is a correlation, but nothing that approaches causality.  While at the same time wanting what's best for our kids, this kind of thinking can result in viewing them as mere extensions of ourselves, statements on our parenting or even our Christianity.  This really shouldn't be surprising.  As imperfect human beings, we too easily slide into this type of thinking in various relationships and life in general.  Parenting is not exempt from those errant tendencies residing within us.  And think about this... the most perfect Parent of all, the God of Israel in the Old Testament, more often than not, had children who were disobedient, ungrateful, rebellious, and indifferent to His rules and to Him!  Indeed we, even as His children, aren't exactly reliable statements as to the quality of God's parenting.

One of the main propositions of effective parenting is that the parent's focus must not only be on their children's goals but on their own.  And one of the core principles to begin wrestling with is this:  The goal of parenting is not to change my child.  I'm defining a goal as something I decide I must accomplish and also have 100% control over, i.e. a goal that cannot be blocked by my child.  We know that when a child is misbehaving, especially in public, parents feel emphatically in their bones that they must change their child's behavior.  But to follow that route will take your parenting in the wrong direction.  Overall, rather than having the wrong goal of trying to change your child (he can block that goal), as a parent seek to go in the direction of conforming your discipline choices to biblical principles that match what in fact is the problem - foolishness in the heart of the child and things within your power to control.  And being the imperfect creatures we are, this fork in the road of competing parental goals will be encountered regularly, providing ample occasions to readjust.  Dealing with our own goals just comes with the territory.  So parenting involves not just seeking to understand a child's foolishness and their wrong goals in order to discipline wisely, it also involves seeking to recognize one's own potential wrong goals as a parent and then making the necessary adjustments.  The two are inseparable for effective parenting.  This will get more practical as we begin to look at the tasks involved in carrying out the purpose of parenting.

Unconnected...

Sorry for the lack of posts of late.  I've been away and unexpectedly found myself without any internet connection.  Stay tuned....

Parents Flying Blind...

One evening years ago as we were troubleshooting a situation with our children, Barb and I came up with the phrase "flying by the instruments." It hit us that parenting was often like flying a plane through dark and stormy skies with little or no visibility. A pilot couldn't look out his cockpit window and know how to keep the right course or to adjust course as needed in order to reach his destination. He couldn't see ahead. The answer for the pilot was to rely on the instrument panel in the cockpit. And to do that demanded he ignore his "instincts" or feelings. Because the turbulence of the storm could last quite a long time, the pilot had to learn that the evidence of the correct altitude and the correct course was not the state of the weather (which often remained stormy for long periods of time). Rather what gave him reliable guidance were the indicators of the instrument panel. Consider this blog my attempt to draw parent's eyes to the instrument panel that can guide them through many of the storms of raising children.

Flying Blind BY T. A. HEPPENHEIMER
In the early days of aviation, pilots learned to fly by instinct. But in low visibility, instinct was worse than useless—it was deadly.
... in the 1920s and 1930s flying in clouds or fog—flying blind—was extremely dangerous even away from airports and in windless air. Pilots by then were flying at night, by following beacon lights that marked their routes. But if an aviator could not see the ground because of fog, or lost sight of the sun amid gray daylight murk, it was almost certain that he would quickly lose control, go into a spiral dive, and crash. No one knew why this happened, but happen it did, with depressing regularity. Something about being cut off from familiar reference points made it virtually impossible for a pilot to maintain straight, level flight.

Even birds couldn’t do it. An Army flier, Lt. Carl Crane, tossed a blindfolded pigeon out of an airplane and saw it spin out of control. The bird could do no more than let itself fall with wings held high, which amounted to bailing out. That settled it; if even a bird couldn’t succeed, no pilot could be expected to fly blind if all he had was the seat of his pants. Instead, blind flight would demand a completely different approach, in which a pilot would learn to disregard his senses altogether and rely on gyroscopic instruments. Fortunately, the means to build such instruments lay at hand. Indeed, the gyro had already starred in a spectacular demonstration.

The power of panic...

From a Mom -
Here's my question:
How should I handle my 4 1/2 year-old son's crying (screaming) and refusal to cooperate with his swimming teacher's instructions? He is happy to put his head under water, use a kickboard, jump to a parent in non-swimming lesson time, but seems to be overcome by panic (of getting in the water at all) during his lesson. Thus far, I've remained unaffected and make no comment during the lesson. Afterward I may make a casual comment about his poor behavior at some point in the day. I feel bad for the instructor, and for myself :)

OK, let's look at this.  Your son is happy to get into the pool, put his head under water, jump into the water, use a kick board... when it is during his free unstructured time.  When the lesson begins then it becomes panic time, which tells you that this is not about getting wet, to say the least.  I'll assume that the swim lessons are something you are requiring, so we'll take off the table letting him opt out of them.  But that being said, I don't want to assume that he's just making it all up, i.e. manufacturing the panic out of whole cloth.  There may be some actual fear or apprehension related to things such as his swimming performance in front of others or something else.  But I don't think you can really know, so that shouldn't be the focus.  And it might even be that this "panic" thing is exhibiting itself in some other area.  In any event, given this situation, it seems the "panic" episode is serving a purpose.


The question to ask is "what is the goal of his "panic fits?"  What is he hoping to accomplish?   It's a fair guess this is his attempt to be exempt from participating in the class and, barring that goal being met, secondarily to resist Mom's attempts to keep him from acting this way.  Possibly as you've continued to require his lessons, his panic attacks have become more of a tantrum.  He doesn't want to be doing the class.  You require it.  As a parent, what you want to avoid, though, is getting into a power struggle, i.e. you trying, through discipline or lectures, to get him to stop panicking... though I admit it is no fun have your kid acting in this way in public.  But you are requiring the class!  This is your child at this juncture and situation.  And as I said, there may actually be some pressure or apprehension for him.  If that is so, this is also his immature way of avoiding that personal hurdle.


Broadly speaking, he is pursuing the goal of  "reward without responsibility."  His wants the pleasure and fun of free swim time (the reward) before or after the lesson.  But he doesn't want the responsibility of properly participating in the class.  He wrongly believes that that is the best way to go, so his sets a goal to not participate in the class by having a panic attack (after all Mom will rescue me won't she?).  Yet he knows that you know he isn't afraid of the water.  So you're approach should be that if he throws the panic fit during the class, then he doesn't get the reward of free swim time with the other kids.  Consider him totally free to throw the fit (he actually is...).  If the teacher says she won't have him in the class, then that is that.  But otherwise, he is free to be panicky but not without a logical consequence.  We are training our children to gradually take on responsible living which is the route to character, increasing the likelihood of good things in life.  So calmly explain the rules.  A simple, brief encouragement would be OK, but don't slip into a pep talk (or you may slide into "trying to convince him"... bad goal).  If he does the panic thing and then gets mad at the removal of the reward, smile (inwardly)... you have succeeded, not failed.  You've recognized his wrong goal and appropriately applied a discipline which left the goal unmet.  How?  By simply giving him a free choice that has consequences either way, which is how life works.  This could go on for several classes - his panicking, being mad at not getting his way, and you patiently (that means you grit your teeth and be a phony to your feelings of wanting to spank him) and be true to your purpose to apply wise and appropriate discipline.  No guarantees, but this kind of approach increases the likelihood of guiding him to choose a responsible direction.  Once the consequence is applied don't fall into a lecture or  reminder for next time.  No relational repercussions... no skin off your back.  

Let the structure guide and be what he must deal with, not your mood or feelings.  This approach actually takes the whole thing out of becoming a relational battle and thus makes it easier as a parent to avoid anger.   And just as importantly, I would look for other areas where a similar clear pattern of pursuing "reward without responsibility" is occurring and apply any needed adjustments.  The root usually has many sprouts.  Be patient and give it time.  Be accepting of him and glad for any small improvements.  Parenting is a plodding endeavor, sometimes lasting more than even eighteen years!  Remember, where you see these clear patterns of wrong behaviors (not isolated incidents) you're applying discipline in order to hopefully change a wrong belief, one that may be tightly held.

What's wrong with my child?!

In order to be on course to parent effectively, one needs to have a clear understanding on what is wrong with children. Why? Because the prescription that parents apply when they encounter problem behaviors is dependent on their assumption of what the problem is, i.e. the diagnosis. If the diagnosis is wrong then, of course, the prescription will not have its intended result. Effective discipline depends upon understanding what is the core problem in children and learning how to recognize it in the midst of often emotionally charge situations involving stubborn problem behaviors.

The problem with children is what Scripture calls foolishness, i.e. sin. In other words it is exactly what ails us all, no more, no less. And the core of foolishness is not the behavior but the belief behind it. Foolishness is that inward disposition regarding life which not only believes that outward things will satisfy the soul, but that one has the power to independently satisfy himself on his own terms. In a nutshell it's a belief that says, "I can be happy if I get what I want, my way." This is the core problem in children. And it is to this problem that discipline is to be directed. A problem behavior is simply the outworking of a wrong or foolish belief. So discipline is specifically purposed to weaken a child's foolishness; that they would reconsider and alter their belief about what's the best way to act in a given situation. Proverbs 22:15 reads, Foolishness is bound up in the heart of a child; The rod of discipline will remove it far from him (the point is effective discipline which includes much more than just spanking). To simply use discipline as a form of unpleasant, over-powering persuasion in order to get the child to change their behavior will leave the belief intact. That wrong belief will just show up in some other behavioral problem, often with more resolve on the child's part. I doubt there are few parents who can't relate to this. As parents our default position is to demand and expect obedience. With young kids especially obedience is often given, only to see it fade away in an instant as some other act of disobedience materializes seemingly out of nowhere.

Defining a child's core problem as foolishness or a committed self-centered way of living is not to deny there are real emotional difficulties that children may struggle with. They do experience various hurts and fears. And those struggles are often interwoven into a particular problem behavior. But it is essential to not lose sight of what is the main fuel behind the pattern of any behavioral problem - a wrong belief, foolishness. Next up, how to read the instrument panel while flying through behavioral storms, in order to recognize foolishness in action, so as to apply an effective discipline.

Lies, damnable lies, and power struggles...

A question about lying. Our five year old, is lying and is sometimes good at it, and sometimes not.
What is the best way to 1. view this behavior, 2. "block" this behavior and 3. set a goal for truth telling?  Also, specifically, what to do when you are not sure if they are telling a the lie or not?
Thank you in advance.


I can imagine you're feeling a lot of concern and quite a bit of frustration as you deal with this behavior of your son's.  Right off the bat here are the short answers:
    1.  Though not to condone it, his behavior is normal, i.e. it's in the realm of what kids do (Proverbs 22:15 "Foolishness [sin] is bound up in the heart of a child...").  Saying that, it sounds like the lying may have become an entrenched pattern.  Yes, cause for concern and attention, but not how you may be thinking.  
    2.  The best way to block your child from lying?... If we're talking the best godly way or the best way consistent with effective parenting, then the answer is - there isn't a best way.  In fact there isn't any sure way, short of covering his mouth with a gag.  You really don't have the power or means to block his lying, nor should you.  And I imagine at the heart of your question is this very dilemma.  Everything you're trying isn't working to stop this.
    3.  I'm not sure what you're exactly getting at in this last question.  It sounds like you're asking, "how does a parent structure things so that the child eventually stops lying", which seems to be corollary  of question 2.  You can't set that goal for him.  Remember, I'm defining a goal as a direction a person chooses to go because he believes that is the best way to get what they believe they need.  Being foolish at heart and also very short-term in their considerations, children often pursue a behavior like lying in order to gain or preserve (their unseen goal) something.  Yet there are ways of handling these kinds of problem behaviors that, though not a guarantee, increase the likelihood of diminishing them.


On an upcoming post I'll discuss some general guidelines and principles for how to be thinking this kind of thing through.  But for now here are some thoughts.  If you think your son is lying and it's something you can't know for sure then don't grill him about.  Ignore it.  If you get into it, then most likely you will end up in a power struggle... you trying to get him to admit his lying, he refusing to confess.  And, you really don't know for sure.  If you find yourself in a power struggle, know that you're going the wrong way, so stop and get out of it.  Getting into a power struggle will just strengthen his foolishness to not come clean (Mommy can't make me admit anything).  Even if you succeed in forcing an admission, that too can end up reinforcing his commitment to it.


But if you do catch him in a lie about something that is easily provable, then that's the time for discipline.  Let's say he knows he's supposed to bring his bike into the garage when he is finished riding it.  You ask him, "Did you bring your bike in?"  He answers, "Yes!".  You look outside and see the bike on the sidewalk.  Now, I will suggest that you not address his lie directly at this time.  If you do, you may quickly find yourself in a power struggle.  Let there be a discipline for not putting the bike away (he can't use it tomorrow, for instance).  But don't address his lie at this time.  He'll know that you know he lied.  Should he be disciplined for the provable lie?  Yes, but not with a lecture, a scolding, etc.  Treat it like a routine traffic ticket... a simple consequence, maybe 15 minutes to bed early would suffice, that you announce later that evening.  Don't make it a big deal of it at bedtime.  Be a bit nonchalant about it, no commentary - just a brief explanation.  When it happens again in other situations, same routine.


Right now the heightened attention with all the expected back and forth to expose and stop his lying is only fueling his digging in.  In a way your efforts to make him stop lying is like trying to force him into a moral box.  We want our kids to choose the right moral direction.  We can't force them do it, nor should we try.  Meeting your attempts to make him change, he resists (you can't make me) and thus foolishly latches even more to lying as a way to not be controlled by Mom.  You're in a classic power struggle due to your wrong goal* not his wrong behavior.  The immediate direction you need to pursue right now is to get out of a power struggle (new right goal) over the lying.  


*Remember, a goal is something you're committed to and believe you must accomplish.  What I call a good goal is one in which you can take 100% responsibility for completing, i.e. a good goal and the actions to carry out that goal are not dependent on the cooperation of another for success.   A bad or wrong goal would be one you're committed to accomplishing in which you do need the cooperation of another for success. 


Have goals in which you have 100% responsibility to control and complete in your parenting and 0% responsibility to control or change your child's behavior.  Does that sound confusing?  More later...