When to discipline...

What are the prerequisites for discipline? As anyone who has been a parent for a while knows, children do all kinds of things that can bug Mom and Dad. Parents, any number of times, find themselves suddenly meting out a discipline that has more to do with a frustrating moment than actual breaking of a rule. Though having prerequisites for discipline will not magically transform a frustrated parent into one who's always fair and balanced nor produce perfect children, they will help set a direction to point the way for parents as to when and when not to discipline. The idea is to have some structure and guidelines for the benefit of the parent as well as the child.

Four broad areas that I think are important for governing when to discipline:

High-Tech Graphic

1. Discipline requires a clear standard made known by parents and understood by their children.  Children are natural blame-shifters and without an unambiguous standard the beneficial effect of any discipline will be undermined. Clear standards are things such as household rules, daily routines, and responsibilities that children are subject to, as well as rules for specific or temporary situations.
2. The standards or rules must reflect biblical moral reality.  This moral reality is simply the common wisdom (amplified in the Bible) which says that responsible living works best in this world and irresponsible behavior doesn't... that one should treat others rightly, that it's good to care for one's possessions and that of another, that obedience is a good thing to learn. In short it's essentially taking responsibility for one's life and loving thy neighbor as thyself.
3. Structure and rules imposed by parents should reflect the growing responsibility of their children.  OK, what does that mean and what does it look like?  Essentially, the idea is that as my child grows more responsibility will be required of him.  At the same time, he'll also have more latitude to make his own choices.  My two-year-old will have a fewer number of responsibilities and less freedom to choose than my thirteen-year-old.  The accompanying high-tech-graphic depicts the concept.  The older a child grows, the Form expands as responsibilities grow.  What does Form signify?  Simply, it represents the non-negotiable standards that parents require.  It's evident that as children grow they need rules and responsibilities.  They also need expanding boundaries in which they, without parental interference, can make their own choices.  So within the moral boundaries of Form (the rules) there is Freedom to choose to do whatever a child wants without any consequence imposed by the parent.  Simply said, if a behavior doesn't violate a rule of the form, then the child is free to do it. Outside the moral boundaries of Form they are still free to choose but not without a consequence.  That is when discipline is imposed. The child's free will is respected while at the same time reinforcing the lesson that what they choose has consequences.
4. Effective discipline requires contingent application. Simply said - "when this, then that." Parents need to be consistent by following through with consequences when their children disobey the clear moral standards set up.

What I would suggest is to sit down and think through the standards you've set up in your family. How do they reflect the above?  Do you need to add some rules or structure (set meal times with certain requirements, morning and evening routines)? Do you need to remove some? Where and how do you need to be clearer in your requirements? Are there things that you require of your children that reflect merely what bugs you at the moment and not what violates set rules reflecting a moral value? Be wary of having an abundance of rules. You're trying to communicate a moral direction to your children, not put them in a moral strait-jacket.  Relax... remember that the purpose of having rules and discipline is to weaken foolishness, not to find formulas that "work", i.e. get my children to obey right now or to quickly get them past the problem behavior of the month.  This is a long-term enterprise and change often comes slowly! 

Also, by coming back again and again to the Form and Freedom concept you'll be able to adjust your rules and discipline as necessary. You'll be able to more clearly discipline foolishness rather than your child's shyness, mistakes, or curiosity, or annoyances. It can help in identifying your child's underground foolishness as well as help in recognizing any unnecessary micro-managing of the details of your children's daily situations.  As pointed out before, the idea is to come up with some structure and guidelines to help you set and maintain an effective direction in your parenting.  It's way more about direction than doing everything right.

Parenting - fears and concerns...

Excerpts from an email:

As I was reading your most recent post, I noticed your comment on the universal fear of "I'm not sure I'll do the right thing and I may make matters worse!"

... I have often felt that fear of becoming a parent knowing quite confidently that I won't do everything right, no matter how good my intentions, and how damaging that can be to a person. I am the very case in point that good intentions don't "right" the wrongs.

...At one point several years ago before I was even married, this thought so-terrified me that I couldn't fathom how it could ever be OK to have children, knowing you were going to bring them into the world and not only be unable to protect them from my own deficiencies, but I would actually be the one causing it in their life!

...While I recognize that fears take on that crazy, irrational face, such as I have voiced, and that God's grace is and always will be sufficient in my life and the life of the children God may bring to my husband and me,  I wondered if you might be able to speak to that fear at all?

Thanks for your email.  Here are some thoughts in response to your concerns.  If you have a more specific question, let me know:

Fears regarding parenting certainly aren't unusual, although your particular background may magnify them more or less. Part of my reason for this blog is to supply, hopefully, a direction or pathway to guide parents in those moments of turmoil and fear of doing the wrong thing. The metaphor, flying blind, actually speaks to that concern. "I can't see which way to fly.  I might crash this thing."  Look to the control panel.  No matter how confident or prepared we are, at times in parenting we will be flying blind - confronted by fears, small and great. It can be the fear of messing up my child's life or, especially as children get older, the fear that my child will reject me due to my parenting. It goes with the territory.  I would encourage you to not let those fears determine whether to become a parent or not.

And will you be prepared to be a parent? Yes and no.  It may be that you have a more magnified view of the potential pitfalls of parenting in light of your past. And, it's probably inevitable that some remnants of your parent's short-comings will find their way, at times, into your own parenting.  We live in a fallen world.  We make mistakes, sometimes big ones.  One thing to keep in mind is that you need not avoid mistakes in order to parent effectively.   Rather, the key thing is the direction you take in parenting.  If your direction is more or less consistent with those principles reflected in the wisdom God has given us and that found in Scripture, then your mistakes (which are certain to be made) will have less bearing on how your children grow and mature.  Parenting is about teaching a direction to take in life, not a project to produce children free from flaws and hurts.

Even if you cause your children some hurts that "leaves a mark" on their soul, they have an even bigger obstacle to overcome, and that is their own foolishness.  Learning to live in a responsible manner (basically, doing the right thing) carries more weight for good in a person's life than a hurt done to them does for ill.   Jesus said to the crowd, "It is not what enters into the mouth that defiles a man, but what proceeds out of the mouth, this defiles a man."  Paraphrased, "It's not what happens to you that can hurt you, but how you respond, this can hurt you."  That lesson taught and learned helps guide children in a good direction, even when hurt by others, when things aren't fair, or when wronged though in the right.  The right direction trumps the bumps along the way.  You would, I imagine, wish you could have some sort of guarantee that if you have children  they will "turn out" or that you will turn out to be a good parent.   How your children will turn out we can't know.  You, however, can actually choose to be a "good" parent, and by this I mean you can set your compass in a that direction (ups and downs, good and bad, failures and successes still the direction is what matters).  An in so doing then take your concerns, fears, hopes, and desires (the things you can't control) and make them the subject of your prayers to God.

Your point about good intentions not sufficient to "right the wrongs" leads me to this last thought.  The over-arching umbrella of parenting is that of grace.  God loves and accepts us in Christ despite our sin and rebelliousness toward him.... "just as I am..."  The word grace embodies this.  We seek to love our children even though in reality they're never as obedient and good as they should be.  And even though we fall short in loving them as we ought, those failures can become instruments of reconciliation.  Parental screw-ups, big and small, can become pathways of grace to our children, teaching that at the core of relationship is repentance and forgiveness.  To be a good parent, I don't have my act totally together.  

Parenting - which way to go?

When reading books on parenting one almost exclusively finds the focus to be on what a parent should do in x,y, or z situation.  If this, then that!  One reason, certainly, is that every parent is looking for practical help and answers.  Yet what often results is a type of parenting that becomes a cookbook approach to raising children.  Tell me what to do and I'll do it... give me the recipe!  My advice to you is to not fall into that trap - i.e. looking for recipes for this or that child behavioral problem.  When the emphasis is on techniques and set steps something crucial goes missing - i.e. the underlying principles that are meant to actually guide one's parenting.  When those principles are distilled into simply set steps or cookbook recipes, parenting all too often becomes a series of methods by which parents seek to pour their children into a particular moral mold.  Raising children is more than producing a moral product.  And the fact of the matter is there are no set steps that exclusively put biblical principles of parenting into practice.

So why do parents gravitate to cookbook approaches?  The most obvious reason is probably convenience.  Parenting children, as I've said, is seemingly bigger than any one or two parents and involves so many more things during the day than the latest behavioral crisis.  Where's the recipe when you need it?!  I've got two other children and dinner to cook!  A less obvious but more central reason for wanting set steps (one most parents can relate to) is the fear that I may do the wrong thing if left to myself.  I'm not sure I'll do the right thing, and I may make matters worse!  They may not listen!  How we parent does matter, so the fear that I may screw things up is understandable.  Recognizing that fear when it hits though, helps keep it from overly influencing our thinking and what we decide to do or don't do.

The other problem with a cookbook approach is that it incorrectly assumes a one-to-one relationship:  that the child's outward behavior is the problem and the discipline I apply is the solution... if I choose the right discipline, then my child will respond the right way.  Be keen to avoid the "if this, then that" type of reasoning.  If my kids are behaving, then I'm parenting well.  If my kids are misbehaving, then I'm parenting poorly.  Obviously there is a correlation, but nothing that approaches causality.  While at the same time wanting what's best for our kids, this kind of thinking can result in viewing them as mere extensions of ourselves, statements on our parenting or even our Christianity.  This really shouldn't be surprising.  As imperfect human beings, we too easily slide into this type of thinking in various relationships and life in general.  Parenting is not exempt from those errant tendencies residing within us.  And think about this... the most perfect Parent of all, the God of Israel in the Old Testament, more often than not, had children who were disobedient, ungrateful, rebellious, and indifferent to His rules and to Him!  Indeed we, even as His children, aren't exactly reliable statements as to the quality of God's parenting.

One of the main propositions of effective parenting is that the parent's focus must not only be on their children's goals but on their own.  And one of the core principles to begin wrestling with is this:  The goal of parenting is not to change my child.  I'm defining a goal as something I decide I must accomplish and also have 100% control over, i.e. a goal that cannot be blocked by my child.  We know that when a child is misbehaving, especially in public, parents feel emphatically in their bones that they must change their child's behavior.  But to follow that route will take your parenting in the wrong direction.  Overall, rather than having the wrong goal of trying to change your child (he can block that goal), as a parent seek to go in the direction of conforming your discipline choices to biblical principles that match what in fact is the problem - foolishness in the heart of the child and things within your power to control.  And being the imperfect creatures we are, this fork in the road of competing parental goals will be encountered regularly, providing ample occasions to readjust.  Dealing with our own goals just comes with the territory.  So parenting involves not just seeking to understand a child's foolishness and their wrong goals in order to discipline wisely, it also involves seeking to recognize one's own potential wrong goals as a parent and then making the necessary adjustments.  The two are inseparable for effective parenting.  This will get more practical as we begin to look at the tasks involved in carrying out the purpose of parenting.