Discipline, power struggles, and patience...

A mom writes in:
Mr. Miller,
I would love to hear more of your input concerning discipline, power struggles, and patience. I have a two and a half year old son who I am, for lack of better words, constantly battling. He is very smart for his age and very strong willed. He will not stay in time out, taking his favorite things away doesn't work ,and spankings just seems to fuel the fire. I am constantly praying for God to give me more patience, but feel I am lacking the tools to obtain said patience. Proverbs 15:1 says "A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger" How do I know if my struggle for power or lack of patience is causing his acting out, or if this is just a two year old being a two year old?


What is going on inside of our children? What directs their paths of disobedience and ofttimes defiance? As we get into discussing the purpose of parenting, the above email is a good starting point. The most common, as well as frustrating, discipline experience that parents encounter is a power struggle. We've touched on this already in the post Lies, damnable lies, and power struggles. I wrote then, "You're in a classic power struggle due to your wrong goal not his wrong behavior. The point being that if you are in a power struggle with your child, it is due to misidentifying what is going on in your child and trying to directly "change his or her immediate behavior." In the last post I highlighted a core principle to keep in mind, i.e. The goal of parenting is not to change your child. If that is the goal of your discipline, lectures, or warnings, then a power struggle with your child is probably something you're familiar with.


What is the purpose of parenting? The purpose is, through discipline, teaching, and relationship, to drive out the foolishness which naturally resides in children. Proverbs 22:15a says it well, Foolishness is bound up in the heart of a child. This is what is wrong with kids. Every non-organic problem that a child has is ultimately a product of foolishness. And this spring of foolishness in a child bubbles up in all kinds of situations with all kinds of outward behavioral symptoms. Unless foolishness is defined properly the remedy applied will be inadequate at best and can lead to, among other problems, power struggles.


To avoid power struggles it is therefore imperative to understand what foolishness is. In a nutshell it is simply sin. And at the root of that sin is a wellspring of incorrect, self-dependent beliefs that lead to the pursuing of wrong goals, the fruit of which are the outward wrong behaviors. So we see that there are three parts to foolishness or sin:

Iceberg View of Sin

1. Belief: A core breaking away or independence from God. Children are born in sin apart from God and are by nature committed to believe "I can live by myself... by my own understanding."
2. Goal: The directions and purposes which in opposition to God which children pursue, consistent with their wrong beliefs. "I set my own direction and choose goals consistent with my beliefs of how to get what I want at any given moment."
3. Acts: These are the visible transgressions of God's moral universe, His laws, i.e. the outward wrong behavior that attempts to fulfill a wrong goal based on their wrong belief. A child (like adults) naturally does what seems right in their own eyes. They do what they think is immediately best.


As parents, what we mostly see is the outward misbehavior... the tip of the iceberg. The natural inclination is to deem those outward behaviors as the problem, focus on them and set goals to get the child to stop whatever it is they're doing wrong. But to take that approach ignores the largest part of the iceberg beneath the waterline which steers the tip, the beliefs and goals of foolishness, the source of the wrong behavior. Stop the behavior only and what still remains is the underground foolishness undisturbed and unchallenged - ready to find expression in some other behavior.


Effective biblical parenting thus requires an adequate view of the sin which is bound up in the heart of a child. Having this definition in focus, the next question to be addressed will be how does discipline drive out foolishness? The second part of Proverbs 22: 15 reads, But the rod of correction shall drive it far from him. This is not a promise per se, but a principle. In general, discipline is to be aimed at the wrong beliefs and wrong goals of a child, not directly at the misbehavior. It is foolishness that gives life and direction to wrong behaviors. The purpose of discipline is to give to the child sufficient bitter tastes along the way of the truth that going one's independent way in opposition to responsible and moral choices leads not to pleasure and happiness, but to pain and discomfort. Discipline seeks to provide unpleasant reminders to children in such a way that, when confronted with those parental administered doses of reality, they will reconsider their self-centered views and choices in order to more closely conform themselves to God's moral universe. And that always entails consideration of the longer term implications of their choices.


The lesson to be taught by parents, through discipline applied in the context of a loving relationship (and hopefully learned by their children) is that rather than following after one's own self-directed ways, choosing to live in a responsible, moral direction really is the best and only option available which leads one down the path intended by their Creator and thus worth following.

Parenting - which way to go?

When reading books on parenting one almost exclusively finds the focus to be on what a parent should do in x,y, or z situation.  If this, then that!  One reason, certainly, is that every parent is looking for practical help and answers.  Yet what often results is a type of parenting that becomes a cookbook approach to raising children.  Tell me what to do and I'll do it... give me the recipe!  My advice to you is to not fall into that trap - i.e. looking for recipes for this or that child behavioral problem.  When the emphasis is on techniques and set steps something crucial goes missing - i.e. the underlying principles that are meant to actually guide one's parenting.  When those principles are distilled into simply set steps or cookbook recipes, parenting all too often becomes a series of methods by which parents seek to pour their children into a particular moral mold.  Raising children is more than producing a moral product.  And the fact of the matter is there are no set steps that exclusively put biblical principles of parenting into practice.

So why do parents gravitate to cookbook approaches?  The most obvious reason is probably convenience.  Parenting children, as I've said, is seemingly bigger than any one or two parents and involves so many more things during the day than the latest behavioral crisis.  Where's the recipe when you need it?!  I've got two other children and dinner to cook!  A less obvious but more central reason for wanting set steps (one most parents can relate to) is the fear that I may do the wrong thing if left to myself.  I'm not sure I'll do the right thing, and I may make matters worse!  They may not listen!  How we parent does matter, so the fear that I may screw things up is understandable.  Recognizing that fear when it hits though, helps keep it from overly influencing our thinking and what we decide to do or don't do.

The other problem with a cookbook approach is that it incorrectly assumes a one-to-one relationship:  that the child's outward behavior is the problem and the discipline I apply is the solution... if I choose the right discipline, then my child will respond the right way.  Be keen to avoid the "if this, then that" type of reasoning.  If my kids are behaving, then I'm parenting well.  If my kids are misbehaving, then I'm parenting poorly.  Obviously there is a correlation, but nothing that approaches causality.  While at the same time wanting what's best for our kids, this kind of thinking can result in viewing them as mere extensions of ourselves, statements on our parenting or even our Christianity.  This really shouldn't be surprising.  As imperfect human beings, we too easily slide into this type of thinking in various relationships and life in general.  Parenting is not exempt from those errant tendencies residing within us.  And think about this... the most perfect Parent of all, the God of Israel in the Old Testament, more often than not, had children who were disobedient, ungrateful, rebellious, and indifferent to His rules and to Him!  Indeed we, even as His children, aren't exactly reliable statements as to the quality of God's parenting.

One of the main propositions of effective parenting is that the parent's focus must not only be on their children's goals but on their own.  And one of the core principles to begin wrestling with is this:  The goal of parenting is not to change my child.  I'm defining a goal as something I decide I must accomplish and also have 100% control over, i.e. a goal that cannot be blocked by my child.  We know that when a child is misbehaving, especially in public, parents feel emphatically in their bones that they must change their child's behavior.  But to follow that route will take your parenting in the wrong direction.  Overall, rather than having the wrong goal of trying to change your child (he can block that goal), as a parent seek to go in the direction of conforming your discipline choices to biblical principles that match what in fact is the problem - foolishness in the heart of the child and things within your power to control.  And being the imperfect creatures we are, this fork in the road of competing parental goals will be encountered regularly, providing ample occasions to readjust.  Dealing with our own goals just comes with the territory.  So parenting involves not just seeking to understand a child's foolishness and their wrong goals in order to discipline wisely, it also involves seeking to recognize one's own potential wrong goals as a parent and then making the necessary adjustments.  The two are inseparable for effective parenting.  This will get more practical as we begin to look at the tasks involved in carrying out the purpose of parenting.

The power of panic...

From a Mom -
Here's my question:
How should I handle my 4 1/2 year-old son's crying (screaming) and refusal to cooperate with his swimming teacher's instructions? He is happy to put his head under water, use a kickboard, jump to a parent in non-swimming lesson time, but seems to be overcome by panic (of getting in the water at all) during his lesson. Thus far, I've remained unaffected and make no comment during the lesson. Afterward I may make a casual comment about his poor behavior at some point in the day. I feel bad for the instructor, and for myself :)

OK, let's look at this.  Your son is happy to get into the pool, put his head under water, jump into the water, use a kick board... when it is during his free unstructured time.  When the lesson begins then it becomes panic time, which tells you that this is not about getting wet, to say the least.  I'll assume that the swim lessons are something you are requiring, so we'll take off the table letting him opt out of them.  But that being said, I don't want to assume that he's just making it all up, i.e. manufacturing the panic out of whole cloth.  There may be some actual fear or apprehension related to things such as his swimming performance in front of others or something else.  But I don't think you can really know, so that shouldn't be the focus.  And it might even be that this "panic" thing is exhibiting itself in some other area.  In any event, given this situation, it seems the "panic" episode is serving a purpose.


The question to ask is "what is the goal of his "panic fits?"  What is he hoping to accomplish?   It's a fair guess this is his attempt to be exempt from participating in the class and, barring that goal being met, secondarily to resist Mom's attempts to keep him from acting this way.  Possibly as you've continued to require his lessons, his panic attacks have become more of a tantrum.  He doesn't want to be doing the class.  You require it.  As a parent, what you want to avoid, though, is getting into a power struggle, i.e. you trying, through discipline or lectures, to get him to stop panicking... though I admit it is no fun have your kid acting in this way in public.  But you are requiring the class!  This is your child at this juncture and situation.  And as I said, there may actually be some pressure or apprehension for him.  If that is so, this is also his immature way of avoiding that personal hurdle.


Broadly speaking, he is pursuing the goal of  "reward without responsibility."  His wants the pleasure and fun of free swim time (the reward) before or after the lesson.  But he doesn't want the responsibility of properly participating in the class.  He wrongly believes that that is the best way to go, so his sets a goal to not participate in the class by having a panic attack (after all Mom will rescue me won't she?).  Yet he knows that you know he isn't afraid of the water.  So you're approach should be that if he throws the panic fit during the class, then he doesn't get the reward of free swim time with the other kids.  Consider him totally free to throw the fit (he actually is...).  If the teacher says she won't have him in the class, then that is that.  But otherwise, he is free to be panicky but not without a logical consequence.  We are training our children to gradually take on responsible living which is the route to character, increasing the likelihood of good things in life.  So calmly explain the rules.  A simple, brief encouragement would be OK, but don't slip into a pep talk (or you may slide into "trying to convince him"... bad goal).  If he does the panic thing and then gets mad at the removal of the reward, smile (inwardly)... you have succeeded, not failed.  You've recognized his wrong goal and appropriately applied a discipline which left the goal unmet.  How?  By simply giving him a free choice that has consequences either way, which is how life works.  This could go on for several classes - his panicking, being mad at not getting his way, and you patiently (that means you grit your teeth and be a phony to your feelings of wanting to spank him) and be true to your purpose to apply wise and appropriate discipline.  No guarantees, but this kind of approach increases the likelihood of guiding him to choose a responsible direction.  Once the consequence is applied don't fall into a lecture or  reminder for next time.  No relational repercussions... no skin off your back.  

Let the structure guide and be what he must deal with, not your mood or feelings.  This approach actually takes the whole thing out of becoming a relational battle and thus makes it easier as a parent to avoid anger.   And just as importantly, I would look for other areas where a similar clear pattern of pursuing "reward without responsibility" is occurring and apply any needed adjustments.  The root usually has many sprouts.  Be patient and give it time.  Be accepting of him and glad for any small improvements.  Parenting is a plodding endeavor, sometimes lasting more than even eighteen years!  Remember, where you see these clear patterns of wrong behaviors (not isolated incidents) you're applying discipline in order to hopefully change a wrong belief, one that may be tightly held.