Discipline, power struggles, and patience...

A mom writes in:
Mr. Miller,
I would love to hear more of your input concerning discipline, power struggles, and patience. I have a two and a half year old son who I am, for lack of better words, constantly battling. He is very smart for his age and very strong willed. He will not stay in time out, taking his favorite things away doesn't work ,and spankings just seems to fuel the fire. I am constantly praying for God to give me more patience, but feel I am lacking the tools to obtain said patience. Proverbs 15:1 says "A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger" How do I know if my struggle for power or lack of patience is causing his acting out, or if this is just a two year old being a two year old?


What is going on inside of our children? What directs their paths of disobedience and ofttimes defiance? As we get into discussing the purpose of parenting, the above email is a good starting point. The most common, as well as frustrating, discipline experience that parents encounter is a power struggle. We've touched on this already in the post Lies, damnable lies, and power struggles. I wrote then, "You're in a classic power struggle due to your wrong goal not his wrong behavior. The point being that if you are in a power struggle with your child, it is due to misidentifying what is going on in your child and trying to directly "change his or her immediate behavior." In the last post I highlighted a core principle to keep in mind, i.e. The goal of parenting is not to change your child. If that is the goal of your discipline, lectures, or warnings, then a power struggle with your child is probably something you're familiar with.


What is the purpose of parenting? The purpose is, through discipline, teaching, and relationship, to drive out the foolishness which naturally resides in children. Proverbs 22:15a says it well, Foolishness is bound up in the heart of a child. This is what is wrong with kids. Every non-organic problem that a child has is ultimately a product of foolishness. And this spring of foolishness in a child bubbles up in all kinds of situations with all kinds of outward behavioral symptoms. Unless foolishness is defined properly the remedy applied will be inadequate at best and can lead to, among other problems, power struggles.


To avoid power struggles it is therefore imperative to understand what foolishness is. In a nutshell it is simply sin. And at the root of that sin is a wellspring of incorrect, self-dependent beliefs that lead to the pursuing of wrong goals, the fruit of which are the outward wrong behaviors. So we see that there are three parts to foolishness or sin:

Iceberg View of Sin

1. Belief: A core breaking away or independence from God. Children are born in sin apart from God and are by nature committed to believe "I can live by myself... by my own understanding."
2. Goal: The directions and purposes which in opposition to God which children pursue, consistent with their wrong beliefs. "I set my own direction and choose goals consistent with my beliefs of how to get what I want at any given moment."
3. Acts: These are the visible transgressions of God's moral universe, His laws, i.e. the outward wrong behavior that attempts to fulfill a wrong goal based on their wrong belief. A child (like adults) naturally does what seems right in their own eyes. They do what they think is immediately best.


As parents, what we mostly see is the outward misbehavior... the tip of the iceberg. The natural inclination is to deem those outward behaviors as the problem, focus on them and set goals to get the child to stop whatever it is they're doing wrong. But to take that approach ignores the largest part of the iceberg beneath the waterline which steers the tip, the beliefs and goals of foolishness, the source of the wrong behavior. Stop the behavior only and what still remains is the underground foolishness undisturbed and unchallenged - ready to find expression in some other behavior.


Effective biblical parenting thus requires an adequate view of the sin which is bound up in the heart of a child. Having this definition in focus, the next question to be addressed will be how does discipline drive out foolishness? The second part of Proverbs 22: 15 reads, But the rod of correction shall drive it far from him. This is not a promise per se, but a principle. In general, discipline is to be aimed at the wrong beliefs and wrong goals of a child, not directly at the misbehavior. It is foolishness that gives life and direction to wrong behaviors. The purpose of discipline is to give to the child sufficient bitter tastes along the way of the truth that going one's independent way in opposition to responsible and moral choices leads not to pleasure and happiness, but to pain and discomfort. Discipline seeks to provide unpleasant reminders to children in such a way that, when confronted with those parental administered doses of reality, they will reconsider their self-centered views and choices in order to more closely conform themselves to God's moral universe. And that always entails consideration of the longer term implications of their choices.


The lesson to be taught by parents, through discipline applied in the context of a loving relationship (and hopefully learned by their children) is that rather than following after one's own self-directed ways, choosing to live in a responsible, moral direction really is the best and only option available which leads one down the path intended by their Creator and thus worth following.