Saturday, August 27, 2011

What just happened and why?

The question in the title of this post refers back to the Sally bedtime episode:

Little 6 year-old Sally is playing in the living room. Mom (or Dad) says, "Time for bed. Start cleaning up your toys and get on your pajamas."   

So far so good. Regular bedtimes (consistent structure) and requiring age-appropriate responsibility in our kids is part of good parenting. The only caveat I want to offer here is the following. When giving directions or on the spot rules (often required in certain situations), especially with young children, Mom or Dad shouldn't just call out from the other room or from behind the newspaper (or more likely the computer screen). Stop what you are doing and get their attention. Remember, you are "training [easily distracted children] in the way they should go" not trying to set up a test of obedience. "Sally, do you understand what you need to do now? OK then, start cleaning up now." You're laying down clear tracks for them to travel on. If they don't follow through then you'll know that something other than a misunderstanding is afoot.

The little girl says "OK", but keeps on playing.

Ah ha... foolishness is afoot! But where is it... what is it?

A few minutes later, in a somewhat more serious tone, the parent calls out,"Sally, I told you it's time for bed. Now clean up and get going!"

And the dance begins in earnest. It takes two to tango...
Mom has just misdiagnosed what is going on. She is correct in that Sally is disobeying. But this is not raw outward defiant disobedience (No, I won't!!). There is something going on underneath at an unnoticed level. Sally is pursuing an irresponsible and foolish goal. "I don't want to clean up and go to bed. I want to keep playing now because I'm enjoying this. I'll ignore Mom right now and get to play at least a little longer..."

Remember, children are always pursuing a goal or moving in a direction via their behavior. When observing their behavior start becoming a little curious. Pause... and get in the habit of asking yourself, "What's going on here? Why is she not listening? What is my child's goal? What does he or she want or... what is she trying to accomplish?

Sally is pursuing the goal of Reward without Responsibility. And what is that? Distilled, it's basically an internal process of belief and goal that says, "I want to be catered to, to be notice, to have my world revolve around me. I really want my world to go well, but I don't want to be responsible for that happening." Sally wants someone else to assume the responsibility that is hers; the very natural and self-absorbed world view that we all are born with as fallen image-bearers. This is the main wrong goal that children are pursuing most of the time in their disobedience.

"Mommy, can't I play for just a little more?"
Bingo, there it is! Consistent with her natural foolishness, Sally wants the reward of playing with her toys without obeying and embracing the responsibility that goes with those toys as well as that of a set bedtime. Sally is thinking along the lines of - "I'd rather play now because this I'm enjoying this. Maybe I can stay up just a little longer. I'll just keep playing, I'm having fun and this is what I want to do."

"No! You heard me. I said clean up your toys now."
Mom is now bringing out the some heavier leverage. A stern answer and reminder of what Sally has to do right now. Mom's thinking, "That little girl is just ignoring me... I told her to clean up and it's important for her to obey! I'm gonna let her know I mean business." A Power Struggle is now blossoming, ready to grow into full bloom. And the power struggle that Mom is entering is a result of setting the goal to "get Sally to obey!" A goal that requires Sally's cooperation if Mom is to succeed. That's what I define as a bad goal. Mom's successful parenting is now dependent upon a dance partner... a partner who wants to dance, but not to her tune!

Sally starts the slow-mopey two-step, sending the message of "Mommy, you're spoiling my fun and making me do something I don't want to do... I'll move in that direction a little. But I don't really want to pick up my toys and your'e trying to make me do it."

Mom's goal of getting Sally to pick up the toys now and get to bed is effectively being blocked by a stubborn lack of enthusiastic cooperation. Feeling that she is being pushed to obey, Sally is changing or morphing her goal of reward without responsibility into a goal not cooperating with Mom. This new goal is called the goal of Power, which I'll unpack later.

Energized, and now decidedly angry because her goal to get Sally to obey is being blocked by Sally. Mom's determined goal has met the immovable, or at least slow moving, rock of a child. Later, when we look at the goal of Power, we'll see that it's not an irrational (though still wrong) goal for Sally to pursue.

Mom, now motivated, dives headlong into the power struggle... "Sally, if you want to play with your toys tomorrow, then listen to me now. Get moving and put those toys away this instant!" Ah, the threat of  imminent punishment in a doubled-down serious tone of voice reminiscent of Mt. Sinai, and yet another repetition of the original directions. Mom's goal is to get Sally to obey. She's now trying to find the sufficient motivator to move Sally toward obedience.

By the way, look who's taking the responsibility for Sally's obedience... Mom.
"Pick this up.. another one over here... that's not where it goes... you know where it goes... put it on the shelf..." 

Train up a child in the way he should go... And what is Mom's training teaching Sally? What she isn't teaching is that responsibility goes hand in hand with the good things in life. Instead by reducing this episode down to one of obedience or disobedience in conjunction with her goal to get Sally to obey, Mom has sidetracked the two of them into a battle of wills. A battle that Mom with a six year old is bound to win by applying superior force of threat and oversight.

Let me state right here: Children are not our property upon whom we should enforce our wills, even when wanting them to go in the right direction.  Yes they're our children, yet by stewardship if you will. In fact, made in the image of God they have their own individual wills that are meant to choose freely. In general*, by ignoring that truth and simply enforcing "the way they should go" is to violate that principle. And consistently violating that principle can ultimately lead to a child choosing the path of robot or rebel, rather than responsibility. But as I mentioned, we'll get into a child's goal of Power more deeply in a later post.

to be continued...

[*In general: this is not to say there aren't times, especially with young children, that a situation may required the parent to enforce a command. If my three year old, after being told to stay away from the street, goes to the curb and starts to step down I will certainly make a beeline to grab him and pull him away.]

1 comment:

Laura said...

Great explanation, Dad. Helps me clarify the weird stuff that goes on around here much of the day.
:)