The power of panic...

From a Mom -
Here's my question:
How should I handle my 4 1/2 year-old son's crying (screaming) and refusal to cooperate with his swimming teacher's instructions? He is happy to put his head under water, use a kickboard, jump to a parent in non-swimming lesson time, but seems to be overcome by panic (of getting in the water at all) during his lesson. Thus far, I've remained unaffected and make no comment during the lesson. Afterward I may make a casual comment about his poor behavior at some point in the day. I feel bad for the instructor, and for myself :)

OK, let's look at this.  Your son is happy to get into the pool, put his head under water, jump into the water, use a kick board... when it is during his free unstructured time.  When the lesson begins then it becomes panic time, which tells you that this is not about getting wet, to say the least.  I'll assume that the swim lessons are something you are requiring, so we'll take off the table letting him opt out of them.  But that being said, I don't want to assume that he's just making it all up, i.e. manufacturing the panic out of whole cloth.  There may be some actual fear or apprehension related to things such as his swimming performance in front of others or something else.  But I don't think you can really know, so that shouldn't be the focus.  And it might even be that this "panic" thing is exhibiting itself in some other area.  In any event, given this situation, it seems the "panic" episode is serving a purpose.


The question to ask is "what is the goal of his "panic fits?"  What is he hoping to accomplish?   It's a fair guess this is his attempt to be exempt from participating in the class and, barring that goal being met, secondarily to resist Mom's attempts to keep him from acting this way.  Possibly as you've continued to require his lessons, his panic attacks have become more of a tantrum.  He doesn't want to be doing the class.  You require it.  As a parent, what you want to avoid, though, is getting into a power struggle, i.e. you trying, through discipline or lectures, to get him to stop panicking... though I admit it is no fun have your kid acting in this way in public.  But you are requiring the class!  This is your child at this juncture and situation.  And as I said, there may actually be some pressure or apprehension for him.  If that is so, this is also his immature way of avoiding that personal hurdle.


Broadly speaking, he is pursuing the goal of  "reward without responsibility."  His wants the pleasure and fun of free swim time (the reward) before or after the lesson.  But he doesn't want the responsibility of properly participating in the class.  He wrongly believes that that is the best way to go, so his sets a goal to not participate in the class by having a panic attack (after all Mom will rescue me won't she?).  Yet he knows that you know he isn't afraid of the water.  So you're approach should be that if he throws the panic fit during the class, then he doesn't get the reward of free swim time with the other kids.  Consider him totally free to throw the fit (he actually is...).  If the teacher says she won't have him in the class, then that is that.  But otherwise, he is free to be panicky but not without a logical consequence.  We are training our children to gradually take on responsible living which is the route to character, increasing the likelihood of good things in life.  So calmly explain the rules.  A simple, brief encouragement would be OK, but don't slip into a pep talk (or you may slide into "trying to convince him"... bad goal).  If he does the panic thing and then gets mad at the removal of the reward, smile (inwardly)... you have succeeded, not failed.  You've recognized his wrong goal and appropriately applied a discipline which left the goal unmet.  How?  By simply giving him a free choice that has consequences either way, which is how life works.  This could go on for several classes - his panicking, being mad at not getting his way, and you patiently (that means you grit your teeth and be a phony to your feelings of wanting to spank him) and be true to your purpose to apply wise and appropriate discipline.  No guarantees, but this kind of approach increases the likelihood of guiding him to choose a responsible direction.  Once the consequence is applied don't fall into a lecture or  reminder for next time.  No relational repercussions... no skin off your back.  

Let the structure guide and be what he must deal with, not your mood or feelings.  This approach actually takes the whole thing out of becoming a relational battle and thus makes it easier as a parent to avoid anger.   And just as importantly, I would look for other areas where a similar clear pattern of pursuing "reward without responsibility" is occurring and apply any needed adjustments.  The root usually has many sprouts.  Be patient and give it time.  Be accepting of him and glad for any small improvements.  Parenting is a plodding endeavor, sometimes lasting more than even eighteen years!  Remember, where you see these clear patterns of wrong behaviors (not isolated incidents) you're applying discipline in order to hopefully change a wrong belief, one that may be tightly held.