Lies, damnable lies, and power struggles...

A question about lying. Our five year old, is lying and is sometimes good at it, and sometimes not.
What is the best way to 1. view this behavior, 2. "block" this behavior and 3. set a goal for truth telling?  Also, specifically, what to do when you are not sure if they are telling a the lie or not?
Thank you in advance.


I can imagine you're feeling a lot of concern and quite a bit of frustration as you deal with this behavior of your son's.  Right off the bat here are the short answers:
    1.  Though not to condone it, his behavior is normal, i.e. it's in the realm of what kids do (Proverbs 22:15 "Foolishness [sin] is bound up in the heart of a child...").  Saying that, it sounds like the lying may have become an entrenched pattern.  Yes, cause for concern and attention, but not how you may be thinking.  
    2.  The best way to block your child from lying?... If we're talking the best godly way or the best way consistent with effective parenting, then the answer is - there isn't a best way.  In fact there isn't any sure way, short of covering his mouth with a gag.  You really don't have the power or means to block his lying, nor should you.  And I imagine at the heart of your question is this very dilemma.  Everything you're trying isn't working to stop this.
    3.  I'm not sure what you're exactly getting at in this last question.  It sounds like you're asking, "how does a parent structure things so that the child eventually stops lying", which seems to be corollary  of question 2.  You can't set that goal for him.  Remember, I'm defining a goal as a direction a person chooses to go because he believes that is the best way to get what they believe they need.  Being foolish at heart and also very short-term in their considerations, children often pursue a behavior like lying in order to gain or preserve (their unseen goal) something.  Yet there are ways of handling these kinds of problem behaviors that, though not a guarantee, increase the likelihood of diminishing them.


On an upcoming post I'll discuss some general guidelines and principles for how to be thinking this kind of thing through.  But for now here are some thoughts.  If you think your son is lying and it's something you can't know for sure then don't grill him about.  Ignore it.  If you get into it, then most likely you will end up in a power struggle... you trying to get him to admit his lying, he refusing to confess.  And, you really don't know for sure.  If you find yourself in a power struggle, know that you're going the wrong way, so stop and get out of it.  Getting into a power struggle will just strengthen his foolishness to not come clean (Mommy can't make me admit anything).  Even if you succeed in forcing an admission, that too can end up reinforcing his commitment to it.


But if you do catch him in a lie about something that is easily provable, then that's the time for discipline.  Let's say he knows he's supposed to bring his bike into the garage when he is finished riding it.  You ask him, "Did you bring your bike in?"  He answers, "Yes!".  You look outside and see the bike on the sidewalk.  Now, I will suggest that you not address his lie directly at this time.  If you do, you may quickly find yourself in a power struggle.  Let there be a discipline for not putting the bike away (he can't use it tomorrow, for instance).  But don't address his lie at this time.  He'll know that you know he lied.  Should he be disciplined for the provable lie?  Yes, but not with a lecture, a scolding, etc.  Treat it like a routine traffic ticket... a simple consequence, maybe 15 minutes to bed early would suffice, that you announce later that evening.  Don't make it a big deal of it at bedtime.  Be a bit nonchalant about it, no commentary - just a brief explanation.  When it happens again in other situations, same routine.


Right now the heightened attention with all the expected back and forth to expose and stop his lying is only fueling his digging in.  In a way your efforts to make him stop lying is like trying to force him into a moral box.  We want our kids to choose the right moral direction.  We can't force them do it, nor should we try.  Meeting your attempts to make him change, he resists (you can't make me) and thus foolishly latches even more to lying as a way to not be controlled by Mom.  You're in a classic power struggle due to your wrong goal* not his wrong behavior.  The immediate direction you need to pursue right now is to get out of a power struggle (new right goal) over the lying.  


*Remember, a goal is something you're committed to and believe you must accomplish.  What I call a good goal is one in which you can take 100% responsibility for completing, i.e. a good goal and the actions to carry out that goal are not dependent on the cooperation of another for success.   A bad or wrong goal would be one you're committed to accomplishing in which you do need the cooperation of another for success. 


Have goals in which you have 100% responsibility to control and complete in your parenting and 0% responsibility to control or change your child's behavior.  Does that sound confusing?  More later...