Fears and bedtime Pt. 2

How do I help my 8 year old cope with fear? Fear of spiders, shots, his parents dying, the pain of death itself. He is my thinker and stays up late in bed worrying. We're moving to Rwanda so many of these fears are sparked by what he's heard about Rwanda's history.  (See Pt. 1 here)

I can understand your concern and worry given your upcoming move.  In order to answer your question I'll be assuming certain things.  So feel free to get back to me.  Whether my assumptions are correct or not, the main thing, hopefully, is to encourage you to start thinking about this situation and parenting-in-general in a new and helpful way.  

The first thing I would ask is what are you doing now in response to your son's fears? Often, upon seeing troubling behaviors (e.g. fears/anxieties) in their kids, parents usually say and do the things needed and reasonable … explaining and comforting in hopes of giving the child a basis for understanding he need not be afraid. But if those fears and the connected behaviors (not going to sleep) continue, too often, parents follow a plan that devotes more and more time with the child as bedtime gets later, reassuring, explaining, praying, etc.  I think this is the wrong direction..

First of all, I would not try to make “removing his fear” your goal. You can’t change that directly and in fact he may be “enjoying” the benefit of the additional attention. Be open to the possibility that you may be facilitating his illegitimate strategy of gaining Mom’s attention at bedtime (don’t discount that). If so, then by going along that path you are inadvertently strengthening his foolish belief and goal, or what may better be called “strengthening a fool” (Proverbs 22:15).  This isn’t to say he isn’t feeling afraid, but that he’s learning to “use” that fear in order to get what he wants. And, in some ways, the additional attention can actually be reinforcing those fears.  "Mommy is spending all this time with me.  Maybe my fear is a big deal!"

You have decided to go to Rwanda. There are indeed legitimate concerns and even fears that one could rightly entertain. So, are you feeling “responsible” for your son’s struggles due to your decision? Feeling pressure and urgency, possibly, to “fix him” (see post on goals) before you actually go there?

You need not only be aware of your child’s foolish goals (i.e. manipulating his world to get what he wants – we’re all prone to that!), but likewise to exploring your own possible wrong goals in response. “We need to get him over this before we leave!” Also, you may be diagnosing the symptom of  “his fear” as the problem rather than “his foolishness.” If you’re feeling frustrated or even angry,  it’s a good bet you’re pursuing a goal that he can and is blocking... what I call a bad goal. You need to have a parenting goal that your child cannot block.  Something to think through, again and again, that will lead to better parental strategies.

So, #1) I would cease the any extra bedtime attention if that is what is occurring. Reassure and explain that it’s OK for him to feel afraid even though there is nothing to fear at bedtime. Regarding Rwanda, I would minimized his concerns by reinforcing he is safe within his family.  Not giving him the extra time reinforces that truth. #2) Have reasonable rules regarding bedtime, e.g. he may not get out of bed even if afraid or is thirsty, etc. If he cries, let him know that’s OK. If he gets mad, that’s OK. But if in getting mad, he then gets out of bed or breaks some other household rule (kicking his wall, throwing something at the door - inappropriate expressions of anger), then discipline that.  Don't avoid that due to his preoccupation with fear. The discipline may involve a withdrawal of some toy or  some playtime the next day. No anger, no lecture which only changes the focus away from his disobedience to Mom is mad...  Let the discipline speak.

Your goal is to identify as best you can the foolishness (attention on demand?) underneath his bedtime routine of being afraid. Then, to stop anything on your part that cooperates with his wrong goal. Encourage him by simply treating him as OK (even with fears) and don’t exempt him from the normal rules. I would also add that what contributes to helping him feel and act more secure is the overall consistency and reliability of your household family structure - consistent rules and disciplines, chores, playtime, relational time with parents, set mealtimes, etc.  

Again, inappropriate patterns in children don’t always change quickly. Don’t slip into the wrong belief of “If I do this, then he will change.” Your job isn’t to change him, it’s to parent responsibly which includes you taking 100% responsibility for what you can control.  Be willing to have some turbulence and storm clouds as you follow a course not set by your child. Your job is not to produce a flawless kid, but to work at thinking through, with knowledge and understanding, your parenting in these kinds of things... always adjusting your goals and what you are doing as needed, in order to parent more effectively.

Free feel to follow up with any other info or questions.  

Fears and bedtime...

How do I help my 8 year old cope with fear? Fear of spiders, shots, his parents dying, the pain of death itself. He is my thinker and stays up late in bed worrying. We're moving to Rwanda so many of these fears are sparked by what he's heard about Rwanda's history.


Thanks.  Your question allows me to bring into the discussion the necessary concept of goals.  Everyone has goals they are pursuing through their behaviors.  I'm defining a goal as something I'm committed to or must accomplish.  What I'll call a good goal is one in which I can take 100% responsibility for completing, i.e. a good goal and the actions to carry out that goal aren't dependent on the cooperation of another for success.   A bad or wrong goal would be one I'm committed to accomplishing in which I do need the cooperation of another.  

Effective parenting requires parents to be thinking through what goals they themselves are actually pursuing with their child in response to any particular problem behavior; backing out of any wrong goal and implementing one that the child cannot block.  It also requires thinking through what might be the wrong goal the child is pursuing in his problem behavior.  The reason that a problem behavior is often so intractable is that the behavior is accomplishing something the child  wants via the parent's unintended cooperation.  This is part of the necessary ongoing parental routine of checking the instrument panel in the cockpit and adjusting course as needed.


So, every behavior has a goal.  Ask yourself,  "what is this problem behavior accomplishing for my child?"  Trouble shoot and brainstorm the possibilities.  This helps to shed light on why seemingly irrational behaviors are in fact rational.  The behavior is getting the child something he wants.  How am I, the parent, helping him out in this?


In the next post I'll address your question more specifically. 

My kid is acting bratty... what do I do?

A question from the comments:
You see your kid being rude/selfish/bratty on the playground to another kid. Do you insert yourself or let them feel the natural consequence of their poor behavior (which they may or may not feel)?

A few things to consider.  Is this an isolated or somewhat occasional occurrence?  Or is it a pattern?  In general, parents should be looking to discipline patterns of misbehavior rather than isolated acts (too easy for parent to fall into habit of disciplining what is annoying at the moment).  Patterns suggest a direction that children have adopted as their "chosen strategy."  In the situation where they are acting bratty (for instance hogging the swing) and you're not sure it's a problem pattern, I wouldn't intervene, rather let your children learn from possible natural, negative consequences (i.e. other children may not play with them, may retaliate).  A word of teaching or admonition later might suffice, but keep your antennae up.  If it seems to be more than an isolated thing (a pattern), then consider that a good thing in that as a parent one of my jobs is to identify problem behaviors.  The next time you are at the park don't allow your child to use the swing (where the misbehavior has been occurring).  When they ask "how come?"  Calmly explain the reason - their inappropriate behavior... and upon better behavior today, we'll try the swings tomorrow.  It's OK for the child to sulk and not be happy (that is logical).  As a parent, your goal in this situation needs to be not to keep them happy, but to apply some discipline and structure. Tomorrow's another day.  


Rather than taking direct responsibility to stop your children's bad behavior, your goal should be to identify wrong behavioral patterns (continued rudeness to others) and apply enforceable, logical consequences.  The purpose of the discipline is to make life a little less pleasant for the little ones if they insist on pursuing selfishness, in order that they may "reconsider their ways" and hopefully make a different choice.  Discipline is primarily aimed at changing a child's wrong belief which says being selfish is the best way to act in order to be happy (get what they want).  A "little inconvenience" through discipline helps focus them on that wrong idea and the possibility of a replacement... i.e. choosing to be polite and fair with my friends is a better way to act.  Though hard to do, let the consequence be what they have to deal with - not your anger, hectoring, or repeated warnings.  Have a little "calm confidence" as you face these challenges.  Your goal is not to "change" your child but to parent responsibly.  Even when they misbehave they don't have the power to block that goal.


Child, inside their little heads:
I want to be happy -->    Wrong belief  ------>       Set selfish goal    ------->        Bad behavior
                         (Get my way = being happy)      (Get on swing - don't share)     (Hog the swing - bratty)


Discipline is aimed at changing the belief because I want my child to "choose" to set a new direction of good behavior.  I don't want to end up just enforcing outward compliance through threats or punishments.  As a parent, I'm trying to encourage right beliefs about life that to lead to right choices for right directions of good behavior;
this accomplished over time... and it takes time.   

Prepare for take-off....

Fasten your seat-belts and prepare for takeoff....

The Far Side

Thirty-seven years ago this August, Barb and I became parents. For much of the next twenty-odd years it seemed like we were in a running conversation about parenting. Discussing, brainstorming, venting frustrations and fears, praying, devising and implementing strategies, rejoicing, and often returning to the drawing board... with the refrain all parents have said more than they'd wish to admit, "Now what do we do?!" This enterprise of parenting is bigger than any one or two adults even on their best days. Why is that? Because parents, who happened to be flawed, are tasked with parenting children who are likewise flawed. Both are created in the image of God, which bears directly on parents' goals and tasks as well as expectations of their children's behaviors.  So how are we to guide and teach them in the way that they should go?... in our saner moments knowing we are unable to control our kids, nor should we, yet always looking about (often desperately) for some combination of positive and negative incentives to guarantee their obedience!

 Looking out the window of the parental cockpit we may at times see only storm clouds and darkness. We are often “flying blind,” but we mustn’t forget the instrument panel. It contains a compass and other navigational aids. Clear guidance is indeed available to give direction. There are ways to think about our task of parenting which make it less daunting and more effective.

So why a blog on parenting now? My kids are grown and have their own. Right... Well, the thing is those discussions on parenting never stopped. Oh, they're much less frequent now. And they've changed somewhat, in that now we find ourselves find ourselves thinking through the children-challenges our daughters and their husbands and their friends face as well as those of our own friends.

Who is this blog for? Parents, grandparents, will-be parents, would-be parents, young and old.

And what is the purpose of the blog? To be a place where I may pose questions regarding parenting followed by thoughts and ideas as to how possibly to think those questions through. It is to be a place where you may ask parenting questions including those of your particular crisis of the day. Hopefully we can see our way clear to greater confidence in parenting as we learn to attend to the instrument panel while flying blind. I begin this blog with some trepidation--no formulas, nor ready-made answers. However, I am convinced that there are indispensable practical guidelines for effective parenting. I hope my contributions may prove valuable to readers, but I very much hope that yours will as well.