How do I help my 8 year old cope with fear? Fear of spiders, shots, his parents dying, the pain of death itself. He is my thinker and stays up late in bed worrying. We're moving to Rwanda so many of these fears are sparked by what he's heard about Rwanda's history. (See Pt. 1 here)
I can understand your concern and worry given your upcoming move. In order to answer your question I'll be assuming certain things. So feel free to get back to me. Whether my assumptions are correct or not, the main thing, hopefully, is to encourage you to start thinking about this situation and parenting-in-general in a new and helpful way.
The first thing I would ask is what are you doing now in response to your son's fears? Often, upon seeing troubling behaviors (e.g. fears/anxieties) in their kids, parents usually say and do the things needed and reasonable … explaining and comforting in hopes of giving the child a basis for understanding he need not be afraid. But if those fears and the connected behaviors (not going to sleep) continue, too often, parents follow a plan that devotes more and more time with the child as bedtime gets later, reassuring, explaining, praying, etc. I think this is the wrong direction..
First of all, I would not try to make “removing his fear” your goal. You can’t change that directly and in fact he may be “enjoying” the benefit of the additional attention. Be open to the possibility that you may be facilitating his illegitimate strategy of gaining Mom’s attention at bedtime (don’t discount that). If so, then by going along that path you are inadvertently strengthening his foolish belief and goal, or what may better be called “strengthening a fool” (Proverbs 22:15). This isn’t to say he isn’t feeling afraid, but that he’s learning to “use” that fear in order to get what he wants. And, in some ways, the additional attention can actually be reinforcing those fears. "Mommy is spending all this time with me. Maybe my fear is a big deal!"
You have decided to go to Rwanda. There are indeed legitimate concerns and even fears that one could rightly entertain. So, are you feeling “responsible” for your son’s struggles due to your decision? Feeling pressure and urgency, possibly, to “fix him” (see post on goals) before you actually go there?
You need not only be aware of your child’s foolish goals (i.e. manipulating his world to get what he wants – we’re all prone to that!), but likewise to exploring your own possible wrong goals in response. “We need to get him over this before we leave!” Also, you may be diagnosing the symptom of “his fear” as the problem rather than “his foolishness.” If you’re feeling frustrated or even angry, it’s a good bet you’re pursuing a goal that he can and is blocking... what I call a bad goal. You need to have a parenting goal that your child cannot block. Something to think through, again and again, that will lead to better parental strategies.
So, #1) I would cease the any extra bedtime attention if that is what is occurring. Reassure and explain that it’s OK for him to feel afraid even though there is nothing to fear at bedtime. Regarding Rwanda, I would minimized his concerns by reinforcing he is safe within his family. Not giving him the extra time reinforces that truth. #2) Have reasonable rules regarding bedtime, e.g. he may not get out of bed even if afraid or is thirsty, etc. If he cries, let him know that’s OK. If he gets mad, that’s OK. But if in getting mad, he then gets out of bed or breaks some other household rule (kicking his wall, throwing something at the door - inappropriate expressions of anger), then discipline that. Don't avoid that due to his preoccupation with fear. The discipline may involve a withdrawal of some toy or some playtime the next day. No anger, no lecture which only changes the focus away from his disobedience to Mom is mad... Let the discipline speak.
Your goal is to identify as best you can the foolishness (attention on demand?) underneath his bedtime routine of being afraid. Then, to stop anything on your part that cooperates with his wrong goal. Encourage him by simply treating him as OK (even with fears) and don’t exempt him from the normal rules. I would also add that what contributes to helping him feel and act more secure is the overall consistency and reliability of your household family structure - consistent rules and disciplines, chores, playtime, relational time with parents, set mealtimes, etc.
First of all, I would not try to make “removing his fear” your goal. You can’t change that directly and in fact he may be “enjoying” the benefit of the additional attention. Be open to the possibility that you may be facilitating his illegitimate strategy of gaining Mom’s attention at bedtime (don’t discount that). If so, then by going along that path you are inadvertently strengthening his foolish belief and goal, or what may better be called “strengthening a fool” (Proverbs 22:15). This isn’t to say he isn’t feeling afraid, but that he’s learning to “use” that fear in order to get what he wants. And, in some ways, the additional attention can actually be reinforcing those fears. "Mommy is spending all this time with me. Maybe my fear is a big deal!"
You have decided to go to Rwanda. There are indeed legitimate concerns and even fears that one could rightly entertain. So, are you feeling “responsible” for your son’s struggles due to your decision? Feeling pressure and urgency, possibly, to “fix him” (see post on goals) before you actually go there?
You need not only be aware of your child’s foolish goals (i.e. manipulating his world to get what he wants – we’re all prone to that!), but likewise to exploring your own possible wrong goals in response. “We need to get him over this before we leave!” Also, you may be diagnosing the symptom of “his fear” as the problem rather than “his foolishness.” If you’re feeling frustrated or even angry, it’s a good bet you’re pursuing a goal that he can and is blocking... what I call a bad goal. You need to have a parenting goal that your child cannot block. Something to think through, again and again, that will lead to better parental strategies.
So, #1) I would cease the any extra bedtime attention if that is what is occurring. Reassure and explain that it’s OK for him to feel afraid even though there is nothing to fear at bedtime. Regarding Rwanda, I would minimized his concerns by reinforcing he is safe within his family. Not giving him the extra time reinforces that truth. #2) Have reasonable rules regarding bedtime, e.g. he may not get out of bed even if afraid or is thirsty, etc. If he cries, let him know that’s OK. If he gets mad, that’s OK. But if in getting mad, he then gets out of bed or breaks some other household rule (kicking his wall, throwing something at the door - inappropriate expressions of anger), then discipline that. Don't avoid that due to his preoccupation with fear. The discipline may involve a withdrawal of some toy or some playtime the next day. No anger, no lecture which only changes the focus away from his disobedience to Mom is mad... Let the discipline speak.
Your goal is to identify as best you can the foolishness (attention on demand?) underneath his bedtime routine of being afraid. Then, to stop anything on your part that cooperates with his wrong goal. Encourage him by simply treating him as OK (even with fears) and don’t exempt him from the normal rules. I would also add that what contributes to helping him feel and act more secure is the overall consistency and reliability of your household family structure - consistent rules and disciplines, chores, playtime, relational time with parents, set mealtimes, etc.
Again, inappropriate patterns in children don’t always change quickly. Don’t slip into the wrong belief of “If I do this, then he will change.” Your job isn’t to change him, it’s to parent responsibly which includes you taking 100% responsibility for what you can control. Be willing to have some turbulence and storm clouds as you follow a course not set by your child. Your job is not to produce a flawless kid, but to work at thinking through, with knowledge and understanding, your parenting in these kinds of things... always adjusting your goals and what you are doing as needed, in order to parent more effectively.
Free feel to follow up with any other info or questions.
Free feel to follow up with any other info or questions.
1 comment:
Thanks for your thoughts on this. We've tried praying with him and spending time talking through his fears. Now as they continue to come up we've tried the approach of acknowledging them, but sending him to bed at the normal time anyway. There are tears and frustration on his part, but it didn't last as long as I thought it might. We'll follow through with discipline if his behavior gets out of hand or he gets out of bed.
I haven't given a lot of thought to my goals as a parent or his goals in his behavior. It's helpful for me to think in this way. Thanks for the reminder that I'm not looking for a compliant child, but to teach and train him and parent him with wisdom.
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