Fears and bedtime...

How do I help my 8 year old cope with fear? Fear of spiders, shots, his parents dying, the pain of death itself. He is my thinker and stays up late in bed worrying. We're moving to Rwanda so many of these fears are sparked by what he's heard about Rwanda's history.


Thanks.  Your question allows me to bring into the discussion the necessary concept of goals.  Everyone has goals they are pursuing through their behaviors.  I'm defining a goal as something I'm committed to or must accomplish.  What I'll call a good goal is one in which I can take 100% responsibility for completing, i.e. a good goal and the actions to carry out that goal aren't dependent on the cooperation of another for success.   A bad or wrong goal would be one I'm committed to accomplishing in which I do need the cooperation of another.  

Effective parenting requires parents to be thinking through what goals they themselves are actually pursuing with their child in response to any particular problem behavior; backing out of any wrong goal and implementing one that the child cannot block.  It also requires thinking through what might be the wrong goal the child is pursuing in his problem behavior.  The reason that a problem behavior is often so intractable is that the behavior is accomplishing something the child  wants via the parent's unintended cooperation.  This is part of the necessary ongoing parental routine of checking the instrument panel in the cockpit and adjusting course as needed.


So, every behavior has a goal.  Ask yourself,  "what is this problem behavior accomplishing for my child?"  Trouble shoot and brainstorm the possibilities.  This helps to shed light on why seemingly irrational behaviors are in fact rational.  The behavior is getting the child something he wants.  How am I, the parent, helping him out in this?


In the next post I'll address your question more specifically.