Oil tankers and parenting...

Returning once again to the evening drama of Sally and Mom, we last witnessed Mom stopped dead in the water as she realized she was in a power struggle and needed to change direction.

"So when you find yourself in a power struggle, the first thing to do is to stop going in that direction.... But Jack, are you saying just let Sally disobey? Of course not."

But that doesn't mean you find some other way to pursue the wrong goal of getting her to obey. So what does a parent do in a situation like this? Well, sometimes it's best to just accept that the fact that you missed the mark. And that would mean choosing to now handle the situation in a way that is not yet another strategy to still get Sally to obey. I know, this sounds backwards, but hear me out.

First, that wrong goal to "get Sally to obey" is more embedded in you as a deeply felt commitment than you may realize. And why is it a wrong or bad goal?  Because Sally can effectively block it.  So, it's necessary to begin, if you would, putting that thing to death. Second, by following this advice you won't be going in the wrong direction. You'll be turning around. An oil tanker out in the ocean needs to travel as much as five miles in order to make a 180 degree turn. That takes time. If you were to take a snapshot of that tanker at different points during its course correction, it would appear as if it was going in the wrong direction. But actually, it's going in the right direction as it reverses course.

So there you are, dead in the water wondering what to do next. One way to handle this would be something as simple as: Go into the living room. Gently take Sally by the hand, letting her know that you're both going into the bedroom to get her ready for bed. Leave the toys. Continue with the normal bedtime routine, no recriminations, no reminders. It will likely feel like you're not doing what is best (getting Sally to obey), but it will be consistent with a godly purpose, which is what we want to be led by.  Kiss her goodnight and know that tomorrow is another day. This evening you're changing direction (which will likely be repeated again... and again). Success for you at this point is defined as choosing a goal that is responsible which doesn't seek to go back and get Sally to obey the original instructions. Helping her to get ready for bed fits that bill as a godly purpose. And, young children often simply need to be led in the direction that they ought to go. It's part of that "train up a child in the way they should go" thing by sometimes just leading your child in the right direction.

To be continued...

The continuing saga of Sally and Mom...

Back to bedtime power struggles from this earlier post.  Mom as you recall, not recognizing that Sally was pursuing the goal of reward without responsibility, had gotten herself into a power struggle with Sally.  Mom's goal was to get Sally to pick up her toys and then for her to move into the bedroom to get ready for bed.  Sally's goal was to ignore Mom's regular nightly admonition because she was enjoying playing with her toys and didn't want to stop... very normal, garden variety foolishness.  Mom, not appreciating Sally's indifference to her directions, slipped seamlessly into a power struggle. Here's the thing:  the default response in a parent to a child's disobedience is to meet that disobedience with superior force (warnings, threats, spankings) as a way to get them to obey.  It seems so right.  Obedience is good.  My child isn't obeying.  So, I will get my child to obey!  But as we've seen, and any parent has surely experienced, this often leads to an escalating episode of emotion, warnings, and threats resulting in little real obedience.

My premise is that most parents (even those who understand this stuff) are already part way into a power struggle before they realize, "Oops, bad idea."  So when you find yourself in a power struggle, the first thing to do is to stop going in that direction.  Stop trying to get "Sally" to obey.  In other words, get out of the power struggle.  The power struggle is due to the wrong goal that you've committed yourself to, i.e. get "Sally" to obey.  Extricating yourself from the power struggle entails jettisoning that wrong goal*.  As parents, we entirely underestimate our own culpability for these kinds of situations.  But Jack, are you saying just let Sally disobey?  Of course not.  But the path to effective parenting is not through parents winning power struggles.  Better to back out of a power struggle not knowing what to do next than to continue in a battle of the wills.  You can't go in a good direction without first stopping the wrong direction.  Think repentance first, then a new direction.

*Remember, a goal is something you're committed to and believe you must accomplish.  What I call a good goal is one in which you can take 100% responsibility for completing, i.e. a good goal and the actions to carry out that goal are not dependent on the cooperation of another for success.   A bad or wrong goal would be one you're committed to accomplishing in which you do need the cooperation of another for success. 

When to discipline...

What are the prerequisites for discipline? As anyone who has been a parent for a while knows, children do all kinds of things that can bug Mom and Dad. Parents, any number of times, find themselves suddenly meting out a discipline that has more to do with a frustrating moment than actual breaking of a rule. Though having prerequisites for discipline will not magically transform a frustrated parent into one who's always fair and balanced nor produce perfect children, they will help set a direction to point the way for parents as to when and when not to discipline. The idea is to have some structure and guidelines for the benefit of the parent as well as the child.

Four broad areas that I think are important for governing when to discipline:

High-Tech Graphic

1. Discipline requires a clear standard made known by parents and understood by their children.  Children are natural blame-shifters and without an unambiguous standard the beneficial effect of any discipline will be undermined. Clear standards are things such as household rules, daily routines, and responsibilities that children are subject to, as well as rules for specific or temporary situations.
2. The standards or rules must reflect biblical moral reality.  This moral reality is simply the common wisdom (amplified in the Bible) which says that responsible living works best in this world and irresponsible behavior doesn't... that one should treat others rightly, that it's good to care for one's possessions and that of another, that obedience is a good thing to learn. In short it's essentially taking responsibility for one's life and loving thy neighbor as thyself.
3. Structure and rules imposed by parents should reflect the growing responsibility of their children.  OK, what does that mean and what does it look like?  Essentially, the idea is that as my child grows more responsibility will be required of him.  At the same time, he'll also have more latitude to make his own choices.  My two-year-old will have a fewer number of responsibilities and less freedom to choose than my thirteen-year-old.  The accompanying high-tech-graphic depicts the concept.  The older a child grows, the Form expands as responsibilities grow.  What does Form signify?  Simply, it represents the non-negotiable standards that parents require.  It's evident that as children grow they need rules and responsibilities.  They also need expanding boundaries in which they, without parental interference, can make their own choices.  So within the moral boundaries of Form (the rules) there is Freedom to choose to do whatever a child wants without any consequence imposed by the parent.  Simply said, if a behavior doesn't violate a rule of the form, then the child is free to do it. Outside the moral boundaries of Form they are still free to choose but not without a consequence.  That is when discipline is imposed. The child's free will is respected while at the same time reinforcing the lesson that what they choose has consequences.
4. Effective discipline requires contingent application. Simply said - "when this, then that." Parents need to be consistent by following through with consequences when their children disobey the clear moral standards set up.

What I would suggest is to sit down and think through the standards you've set up in your family. How do they reflect the above?  Do you need to add some rules or structure (set meal times with certain requirements, morning and evening routines)? Do you need to remove some? Where and how do you need to be clearer in your requirements? Are there things that you require of your children that reflect merely what bugs you at the moment and not what violates set rules reflecting a moral value? Be wary of having an abundance of rules. You're trying to communicate a moral direction to your children, not put them in a moral strait-jacket.  Relax... remember that the purpose of having rules and discipline is to weaken foolishness, not to find formulas that "work", i.e. get my children to obey right now or to quickly get them past the problem behavior of the month.  This is a long-term enterprise and change often comes slowly! 

Also, by coming back again and again to the Form and Freedom concept you'll be able to adjust your rules and discipline as necessary. You'll be able to more clearly discipline foolishness rather than your child's shyness, mistakes, or curiosity, or annoyances. It can help in identifying your child's underground foolishness as well as help in recognizing any unnecessary micro-managing of the details of your children's daily situations.  As pointed out before, the idea is to come up with some structure and guidelines to help you set and maintain an effective direction in your parenting.  It's way more about direction than doing everything right.

When Mommy met Sally...

When we last checked in on the bedtime tango of mother and child, Mom had failed to recognize Sally's foolish goal of Reward without Responsibility. As a result she had opted to pursue her own goal of getting Sally to obey, which led to a power struggle as Mom took responsibility to become the motivational force pushing Sally in the direction of obedience. A wee bit exhausting...

What is taking place in little Sally is not raw disobedience. Hers is not an outward defiance. Rather she's pursuing an underground strategy to manipulate her world so that she can get what she wants (to play) without having to take any accompanying responsibility (cleanup). Now keep in mind that this is natural to children. They're born this way... foolish - inclined to want their world to revolve around themselves and have someone else take on the duties of life.

But there is more than just a Machiavellian mindset of foolishness within our children. Made in the image of God, they are created to know the certainty of being valued by another... to be loved and to matter.  Just as foolishness in their hearts is a reality, there also exists a thirst for relational acceptance. Yet coupled with that thirst is the very real fear that they don't have what it takes to take things on.

Herein is the core philosophical dilemma of humanity.  As fallen creatures made in the image of God, how do we face a fallen world without God?  Given the challenge of that situation, children are understandably scared as they face life.  To a child, avoiding the responsibilities of childhood makes sense, "Mom and Dad, you take care of me... you take responsibility for making things work out well for me."  This fear combined with foolishness often directs children away from taking on their world.  And in those moments children wrongly think short-term, believing it is better to go for immediate gratification or to seek the safety of avoiding challenges.  It is through discipline and instruction in a loving relationship that parents seek to redirect those wrong beliefs and goals in order that their children would take on their world with responsible behavior towards others and the tasks of life.

Since Reward without Responsibility is the main foolish goal children pursue it is then essential that parents are able to recognize it.  As I've said before - become curious about what's behind your children's irresponsibility and misbehavior as it unfolds in different situations.  Take time to trouble-shoot and come up with some working hypotheses.  Again, there are no pat answers and formulas, but there are principles to guide.  Every child is different, so there's a variety of expressions to foolishness.  And every child will have multiple situations where RwR is in action.  It isn't necessary to find them all and discipline each occurrence.  Your purpose is not to eradicate foolishness or directly change your child's behavior, but to parent in a direction and have a family structure that reflects how this world works.  And one part of doing this is by identifying a few problem areas and bringing logical consequences to bear on a consistent basis.  Discipline (including natural consequences) is aimed at weakening foolishness, a wrong belief about how best to live life.  It is not the means by which parents produce obedient children.

So, how can a parent recognize that Reward without Responsibility is operating in their child?  Two questions to ask in order to think this through are:

• Does your children seem casually indifferent to the consequences of their behavior?  If so, then your children are missing something they were meant to experience, i.e. the consequences of behavior actually has impact.    They are missing the joy or sorrow of knowing that what they decide to do really matters and makes a difference in their life and in the lives of others.
• As a parent, do you feel like your children's servant?  If your routine is to give reminder after reminder, repeating instructions to be obeyed, and generally acting as the motivator and overseer to your children's obedience then you should step back and ask herself, "What's going on here?"... What am I doing?... Am I merely strengthening a fool with all my hovering, threats, etc.?"

Some examples of a child pursuing Reward without Responsibility would be things like:  leaving a bicycle out at the end of the day, being late for school, not picking up their toys or clothes, telling tall tales (wanting recognition without truthfulness), not eating their meals...  The list obviously goes on.  

Feel free to suggest other examples or to ask if a particular behavior falls under Reward without Responsibility. To be continued...  

What is Discipline?

Before continuing with the continuing saga of Sally and Mom, I want to further discuss discipline.  Moving forward it's important to have a good understanding of it.  As mentioned in other posts, discipline is the biblical remedy for foolishness in children.  Remember that foolishness defined is simply a core belief that I can make it own my own in this world without God and/or conforming to His moral order.  This is a conviction that if left unchecked grows and strengthens over time.

Discipline, as a remedy, is aimed at changing that internal foolishness, not its fruit, i.e. behavior.  It's purpose is to encourage a belief change concerning the best way to live.  Discipline is not primarily to teach a moral value.  Moral values are certainly taught but not directly.  When discipline is reduced down to "do what's right, don't do what's wrong" the child begins to think "I have to cram myself beneath these values or I can resist."  So again, discipline is the prescription for changing foolish beliefs.  It isn't a guarantee.  It is the proper parental response to the core problem in children - 1) because is is aimed at the child's wrong beliefs which animate the direction of their wrong choices and 2) it respects them as individuals made in the image of God.  Children (like us all) are created as relational beings meant to believe their own beliefs, set their own goals, choose behaviors that are consistent with those goals, and to have their own emotional responses to life.  They are not our property.  Allow your children the right to disobey... yet not without consequences.

In order to flesh out how discipline is intended to work take a look at the physical reality of this world.  There are consequences to going against physical laws and quite naturally children learn how best to live through a cause and effect  relationship.  The stove in the kitchen is hot.  I tell my two year old "Don't touch the stove, it's hot!"  He touches it and immediately feels pain!  That cause and effect quickly teaches a lesson about God's physical order.

But what about the other reality of God's world, His moral order?  This reality is invisible.  You can't see it nor touch it with your hand.  And yet it is just as concrete and real.  Like the physical realm, the moral realm is created by God and life works best when we conform to the laws of that unseen reality.  But the problem is that our children are born disinclined to believe (foolishness) in this moral structure.  This is something all parents know but are too often shocked and surprised when that foolishness expresses itself.  Mom and Dad teach Sally, "Be kind to your little brother, share with him."  Sally disagrees that this is the best way to act thinking, "No, my little brother just took my toy.  I'm going to hit him!"

Herein lies the difficulty of teaching right and wrong.  This order isn't as easily learned as the physical.  First, children are born disbelieving the truth of how they were created to live.  They actively are opposed to that direction.  That isn't so with the physical realm.  And secondly, there is a rather long gap between the sowing and the reaping.  The pain of a burn from a hot stove is immediate.  The lesson is learned.  When someone acts against the moral laws surrounding them it, in fact, often works... for a time.  There is a painful reaping which eventually comes, if not in this life then afterwards (Psalm 73).  And we all become quite adept at finding ways of delaying the various consequences of following our own self-serving paths.  So too with children who really don't believe that if they violate God's moral order that things won't work out.  They can ignore it unless...

Effective parenting demonstrates to children that going against the moral reality or laws of this life will lead to discomfort and pain not to pleasure... by exhibiting that a moral order does exist.  How?... by introducing some immediacy of consequences around their children.  Those disciplines of discomfort applied to their foolishness are minor "glimpses" of the very real painful consequences that ultimately result from defying that moral reality. Discipline is a disagreeable consequence meant to coax children to reconsider their wrong beliefs and change direction.

So... discipline is the loving-parental-provision of what foolish-belief-governed-behavior will lead to if embraced in this life.  That sample of pain is thus aimed at weakening that wrong moral-world view in children.

Parenting - fears and concerns...

Excerpts from an email:

As I was reading your most recent post, I noticed your comment on the universal fear of "I'm not sure I'll do the right thing and I may make matters worse!"

... I have often felt that fear of becoming a parent knowing quite confidently that I won't do everything right, no matter how good my intentions, and how damaging that can be to a person. I am the very case in point that good intentions don't "right" the wrongs.

...At one point several years ago before I was even married, this thought so-terrified me that I couldn't fathom how it could ever be OK to have children, knowing you were going to bring them into the world and not only be unable to protect them from my own deficiencies, but I would actually be the one causing it in their life!

...While I recognize that fears take on that crazy, irrational face, such as I have voiced, and that God's grace is and always will be sufficient in my life and the life of the children God may bring to my husband and me,  I wondered if you might be able to speak to that fear at all?

Thanks for your email.  Here are some thoughts in response to your concerns.  If you have a more specific question, let me know:

Fears regarding parenting certainly aren't unusual, although your particular background may magnify them more or less. Part of my reason for this blog is to supply, hopefully, a direction or pathway to guide parents in those moments of turmoil and fear of doing the wrong thing. The metaphor, flying blind, actually speaks to that concern. "I can't see which way to fly.  I might crash this thing."  Look to the control panel.  No matter how confident or prepared we are, at times in parenting we will be flying blind - confronted by fears, small and great. It can be the fear of messing up my child's life or, especially as children get older, the fear that my child will reject me due to my parenting. It goes with the territory.  I would encourage you to not let those fears determine whether to become a parent or not.

And will you be prepared to be a parent? Yes and no.  It may be that you have a more magnified view of the potential pitfalls of parenting in light of your past. And, it's probably inevitable that some remnants of your parent's short-comings will find their way, at times, into your own parenting.  We live in a fallen world.  We make mistakes, sometimes big ones.  One thing to keep in mind is that you need not avoid mistakes in order to parent effectively.   Rather, the key thing is the direction you take in parenting.  If your direction is more or less consistent with those principles reflected in the wisdom God has given us and that found in Scripture, then your mistakes (which are certain to be made) will have less bearing on how your children grow and mature.  Parenting is about teaching a direction to take in life, not a project to produce children free from flaws and hurts.

Even if you cause your children some hurts that "leaves a mark" on their soul, they have an even bigger obstacle to overcome, and that is their own foolishness.  Learning to live in a responsible manner (basically, doing the right thing) carries more weight for good in a person's life than a hurt done to them does for ill.   Jesus said to the crowd, "It is not what enters into the mouth that defiles a man, but what proceeds out of the mouth, this defiles a man."  Paraphrased, "It's not what happens to you that can hurt you, but how you respond, this can hurt you."  That lesson taught and learned helps guide children in a good direction, even when hurt by others, when things aren't fair, or when wronged though in the right.  The right direction trumps the bumps along the way.  You would, I imagine, wish you could have some sort of guarantee that if you have children  they will "turn out" or that you will turn out to be a good parent.   How your children will turn out we can't know.  You, however, can actually choose to be a "good" parent, and by this I mean you can set your compass in a that direction (ups and downs, good and bad, failures and successes still the direction is what matters).  An in so doing then take your concerns, fears, hopes, and desires (the things you can't control) and make them the subject of your prayers to God.

Your point about good intentions not sufficient to "right the wrongs" leads me to this last thought.  The over-arching umbrella of parenting is that of grace.  God loves and accepts us in Christ despite our sin and rebelliousness toward him.... "just as I am..."  The word grace embodies this.  We seek to love our children even though in reality they're never as obedient and good as they should be.  And even though we fall short in loving them as we ought, those failures can become instruments of reconciliation.  Parental screw-ups, big and small, can become pathways of grace to our children, teaching that at the core of relationship is repentance and forgiveness.  To be a good parent, I don't have my act totally together.  

What just happened and why?

The question in the title of this post refers back to the Sally bedtime episode:

Little 6 year-old Sally is playing in the living room. Mom (or Dad) says, "Time for bed. Start cleaning up your toys and get on your pajamas."   

So far so good. Regular bedtimes (consistent structure) and requiring age-appropriate responsibility in our kids is part of good parenting. The only caveat I want to offer here is the following. When giving directions or on the spot rules (often required in certain situations), especially with young children, Mom or Dad shouldn't just call out from the other room or from behind the newspaper (or more likely the computer screen). Stop what you are doing and get their attention. Remember, you are "training [easily distracted children] in the way they should go" not trying to set up a test of obedience. "Sally, do you understand what you need to do now? OK then, start cleaning up now." You're laying down clear tracks for them to travel on. If they don't follow through then you'll know that something other than a misunderstanding is afoot.

The little girl says "OK", but keeps on playing.

Ah ha... foolishness is afoot! But where is it... what is it?

A few minutes later, in a somewhat more serious tone, the parent calls out,"Sally, I told you it's time for bed. Now clean up and get going!"

And the dance begins in earnest. It takes two to tango...
Mom has just misdiagnosed what is going on. She is correct in that Sally is disobeying. But this is not raw outward defiant disobedience (No, I won't!!). There is something going on underneath at an unnoticed level. Sally is pursuing an irresponsible and foolish goal. "I don't want to clean up and go to bed. I want to keep playing now because I'm enjoying this. I'll ignore Mom right now and get to play at least a little longer..."

Remember, children are always pursuing a goal or moving in a direction via their behavior. When observing their behavior start becoming a little curious. Pause... and get in the habit of asking yourself, "What's going on here? Why is she not listening? What is my child's goal? What does he or she want or... what is she trying to accomplish?

Sally is pursuing the goal of Reward without Responsibility. And what is that? Distilled, it's basically an internal process of belief and goal that says, "I want to be catered to, to be notice, to have my world revolve around me. I really want my world to go well, but I don't want to be responsible for that happening." Sally wants someone else to assume the responsibility that is hers; the very natural and self-absorbed world view that we all are born with as fallen image-bearers. This is the main wrong goal that children are pursuing most of the time in their disobedience.

"Mommy, can't I play for just a little more?"
Bingo, there it is! Consistent with her natural foolishness, Sally wants the reward of playing with her toys without obeying and embracing the responsibility that goes with those toys as well as that of a set bedtime. Sally is thinking along the lines of - "I'd rather play now because this I'm enjoying this. Maybe I can stay up just a little longer. I'll just keep playing, I'm having fun and this is what I want to do."

"No! You heard me. I said clean up your toys now."
Mom is now bringing out the some heavier leverage. A stern answer and reminder of what Sally has to do right now. Mom's thinking, "That little girl is just ignoring me... I told her to clean up and it's important for her to obey! I'm gonna let her know I mean business." A Power Struggle is now blossoming, ready to grow into full bloom. And the power struggle that Mom is entering is a result of setting the goal to "get Sally to obey!" A goal that requires Sally's cooperation if Mom is to succeed. That's what I define as a bad goal. Mom's successful parenting is now dependent upon a dance partner... a partner who wants to dance, but not to her tune!

Sally starts the slow-mopey two-step, sending the message of "Mommy, you're spoiling my fun and making me do something I don't want to do... I'll move in that direction a little. But I don't really want to pick up my toys and your'e trying to make me do it."

Mom's goal of getting Sally to pick up the toys now and get to bed is effectively being blocked by a stubborn lack of enthusiastic cooperation. Feeling that she is being pushed to obey, Sally is changing or morphing her goal of reward without responsibility into a goal not cooperating with Mom. This new goal is called the goal of Power, which I'll unpack later.

Energized, and now decidedly angry because her goal to get Sally to obey is being blocked by Sally. Mom's determined goal has met the immovable, or at least slow moving, rock of a child. Later, when we look at the goal of Power, we'll see that it's not an irrational (though still wrong) goal for Sally to pursue.

Mom, now motivated, dives headlong into the power struggle... "Sally, if you want to play with your toys tomorrow, then listen to me now. Get moving and put those toys away this instant!" Ah, the threat of  imminent punishment in a doubled-down serious tone of voice reminiscent of Mt. Sinai, and yet another repetition of the original directions. Mom's goal is to get Sally to obey. She's now trying to find the sufficient motivator to move Sally toward obedience.

By the way, look who's taking the responsibility for Sally's obedience... Mom.
"Pick this up.. another one over here... that's not where it goes... you know where it goes... put it on the shelf..." 

Train up a child in the way he should go... And what is Mom's training teaching Sally? What she isn't teaching is that responsibility goes hand in hand with the good things in life. Instead by reducing this episode down to one of obedience or disobedience in conjunction with her goal to get Sally to obey, Mom has sidetracked the two of them into a battle of wills. A battle that Mom with a six year old is bound to win by applying superior force of threat and oversight.

Let me state right here: Children are not our property upon whom we should enforce our wills, even when wanting them to go in the right direction.  Yes they're our children, yet by stewardship if you will. In fact, made in the image of God they have their own individual wills that are meant to choose freely. In general*, by ignoring that truth and simply enforcing "the way they should go" is to violate that principle. And consistently violating that principle can ultimately lead to a child choosing the path of robot or rebel, rather than responsibility. But as I mentioned, we'll get into a child's goal of Power more deeply in a later post.

to be continued...

[*In general: this is not to say there aren't times, especially with young children, that a situation may required the parent to enforce a command. If my three year old, after being told to stay away from the street, goes to the curb and starts to step down I will certainly make a beeline to grab him and pull him away.]