Parenting - fears and concerns...

Excerpts from an email:

As I was reading your most recent post, I noticed your comment on the universal fear of "I'm not sure I'll do the right thing and I may make matters worse!"

... I have often felt that fear of becoming a parent knowing quite confidently that I won't do everything right, no matter how good my intentions, and how damaging that can be to a person. I am the very case in point that good intentions don't "right" the wrongs.

...At one point several years ago before I was even married, this thought so-terrified me that I couldn't fathom how it could ever be OK to have children, knowing you were going to bring them into the world and not only be unable to protect them from my own deficiencies, but I would actually be the one causing it in their life!

...While I recognize that fears take on that crazy, irrational face, such as I have voiced, and that God's grace is and always will be sufficient in my life and the life of the children God may bring to my husband and me,  I wondered if you might be able to speak to that fear at all?

Thanks for your email.  Here are some thoughts in response to your concerns.  If you have a more specific question, let me know:

Fears regarding parenting certainly aren't unusual, although your particular background may magnify them more or less. Part of my reason for this blog is to supply, hopefully, a direction or pathway to guide parents in those moments of turmoil and fear of doing the wrong thing. The metaphor, flying blind, actually speaks to that concern. "I can't see which way to fly.  I might crash this thing."  Look to the control panel.  No matter how confident or prepared we are, at times in parenting we will be flying blind - confronted by fears, small and great. It can be the fear of messing up my child's life or, especially as children get older, the fear that my child will reject me due to my parenting. It goes with the territory.  I would encourage you to not let those fears determine whether to become a parent or not.

And will you be prepared to be a parent? Yes and no.  It may be that you have a more magnified view of the potential pitfalls of parenting in light of your past. And, it's probably inevitable that some remnants of your parent's short-comings will find their way, at times, into your own parenting.  We live in a fallen world.  We make mistakes, sometimes big ones.  One thing to keep in mind is that you need not avoid mistakes in order to parent effectively.   Rather, the key thing is the direction you take in parenting.  If your direction is more or less consistent with those principles reflected in the wisdom God has given us and that found in Scripture, then your mistakes (which are certain to be made) will have less bearing on how your children grow and mature.  Parenting is about teaching a direction to take in life, not a project to produce children free from flaws and hurts.

Even if you cause your children some hurts that "leaves a mark" on their soul, they have an even bigger obstacle to overcome, and that is their own foolishness.  Learning to live in a responsible manner (basically, doing the right thing) carries more weight for good in a person's life than a hurt done to them does for ill.   Jesus said to the crowd, "It is not what enters into the mouth that defiles a man, but what proceeds out of the mouth, this defiles a man."  Paraphrased, "It's not what happens to you that can hurt you, but how you respond, this can hurt you."  That lesson taught and learned helps guide children in a good direction, even when hurt by others, when things aren't fair, or when wronged though in the right.  The right direction trumps the bumps along the way.  You would, I imagine, wish you could have some sort of guarantee that if you have children  they will "turn out" or that you will turn out to be a good parent.   How your children will turn out we can't know.  You, however, can actually choose to be a "good" parent, and by this I mean you can set your compass in a that direction (ups and downs, good and bad, failures and successes still the direction is what matters).  An in so doing then take your concerns, fears, hopes, and desires (the things you can't control) and make them the subject of your prayers to God.

Your point about good intentions not sufficient to "right the wrongs" leads me to this last thought.  The over-arching umbrella of parenting is that of grace.  God loves and accepts us in Christ despite our sin and rebelliousness toward him.... "just as I am..."  The word grace embodies this.  We seek to love our children even though in reality they're never as obedient and good as they should be.  And even though we fall short in loving them as we ought, those failures can become instruments of reconciliation.  Parental screw-ups, big and small, can become pathways of grace to our children, teaching that at the core of relationship is repentance and forgiveness.  To be a good parent, I don't have my act totally together.  

What just happened and why?

The question in the title of this post refers back to the Sally bedtime episode:

Little 6 year-old Sally is playing in the living room. Mom (or Dad) says, "Time for bed. Start cleaning up your toys and get on your pajamas."   

So far so good. Regular bedtimes (consistent structure) and requiring age-appropriate responsibility in our kids is part of good parenting. The only caveat I want to offer here is the following. When giving directions or on the spot rules (often required in certain situations), especially with young children, Mom or Dad shouldn't just call out from the other room or from behind the newspaper (or more likely the computer screen). Stop what you are doing and get their attention. Remember, you are "training [easily distracted children] in the way they should go" not trying to set up a test of obedience. "Sally, do you understand what you need to do now? OK then, start cleaning up now." You're laying down clear tracks for them to travel on. If they don't follow through then you'll know that something other than a misunderstanding is afoot.

The little girl says "OK", but keeps on playing.

Ah ha... foolishness is afoot! But where is it... what is it?

A few minutes later, in a somewhat more serious tone, the parent calls out,"Sally, I told you it's time for bed. Now clean up and get going!"

And the dance begins in earnest. It takes two to tango...
Mom has just misdiagnosed what is going on. She is correct in that Sally is disobeying. But this is not raw outward defiant disobedience (No, I won't!!). There is something going on underneath at an unnoticed level. Sally is pursuing an irresponsible and foolish goal. "I don't want to clean up and go to bed. I want to keep playing now because I'm enjoying this. I'll ignore Mom right now and get to play at least a little longer..."

Remember, children are always pursuing a goal or moving in a direction via their behavior. When observing their behavior start becoming a little curious. Pause... and get in the habit of asking yourself, "What's going on here? Why is she not listening? What is my child's goal? What does he or she want or... what is she trying to accomplish?

Sally is pursuing the goal of Reward without Responsibility. And what is that? Distilled, it's basically an internal process of belief and goal that says, "I want to be catered to, to be notice, to have my world revolve around me. I really want my world to go well, but I don't want to be responsible for that happening." Sally wants someone else to assume the responsibility that is hers; the very natural and self-absorbed world view that we all are born with as fallen image-bearers. This is the main wrong goal that children are pursuing most of the time in their disobedience.

"Mommy, can't I play for just a little more?"
Bingo, there it is! Consistent with her natural foolishness, Sally wants the reward of playing with her toys without obeying and embracing the responsibility that goes with those toys as well as that of a set bedtime. Sally is thinking along the lines of - "I'd rather play now because this I'm enjoying this. Maybe I can stay up just a little longer. I'll just keep playing, I'm having fun and this is what I want to do."

"No! You heard me. I said clean up your toys now."
Mom is now bringing out the some heavier leverage. A stern answer and reminder of what Sally has to do right now. Mom's thinking, "That little girl is just ignoring me... I told her to clean up and it's important for her to obey! I'm gonna let her know I mean business." A Power Struggle is now blossoming, ready to grow into full bloom. And the power struggle that Mom is entering is a result of setting the goal to "get Sally to obey!" A goal that requires Sally's cooperation if Mom is to succeed. That's what I define as a bad goal. Mom's successful parenting is now dependent upon a dance partner... a partner who wants to dance, but not to her tune!

Sally starts the slow-mopey two-step, sending the message of "Mommy, you're spoiling my fun and making me do something I don't want to do... I'll move in that direction a little. But I don't really want to pick up my toys and your'e trying to make me do it."

Mom's goal of getting Sally to pick up the toys now and get to bed is effectively being blocked by a stubborn lack of enthusiastic cooperation. Feeling that she is being pushed to obey, Sally is changing or morphing her goal of reward without responsibility into a goal not cooperating with Mom. This new goal is called the goal of Power, which I'll unpack later.

Energized, and now decidedly angry because her goal to get Sally to obey is being blocked by Sally. Mom's determined goal has met the immovable, or at least slow moving, rock of a child. Later, when we look at the goal of Power, we'll see that it's not an irrational (though still wrong) goal for Sally to pursue.

Mom, now motivated, dives headlong into the power struggle... "Sally, if you want to play with your toys tomorrow, then listen to me now. Get moving and put those toys away this instant!" Ah, the threat of  imminent punishment in a doubled-down serious tone of voice reminiscent of Mt. Sinai, and yet another repetition of the original directions. Mom's goal is to get Sally to obey. She's now trying to find the sufficient motivator to move Sally toward obedience.

By the way, look who's taking the responsibility for Sally's obedience... Mom.
"Pick this up.. another one over here... that's not where it goes... you know where it goes... put it on the shelf..." 

Train up a child in the way he should go... And what is Mom's training teaching Sally? What she isn't teaching is that responsibility goes hand in hand with the good things in life. Instead by reducing this episode down to one of obedience or disobedience in conjunction with her goal to get Sally to obey, Mom has sidetracked the two of them into a battle of wills. A battle that Mom with a six year old is bound to win by applying superior force of threat and oversight.

Let me state right here: Children are not our property upon whom we should enforce our wills, even when wanting them to go in the right direction.  Yes they're our children, yet by stewardship if you will. In fact, made in the image of God they have their own individual wills that are meant to choose freely. In general*, by ignoring that truth and simply enforcing "the way they should go" is to violate that principle. And consistently violating that principle can ultimately lead to a child choosing the path of robot or rebel, rather than responsibility. But as I mentioned, we'll get into a child's goal of Power more deeply in a later post.

to be continued...

[*In general: this is not to say there aren't times, especially with young children, that a situation may required the parent to enforce a command. If my three year old, after being told to stay away from the street, goes to the curb and starts to step down I will certainly make a beeline to grab him and pull him away.]

Why do I get into power struggles with my child?

As I've briefly mentioned before, when a parent gets into a power struggle with their child, it is due to the parent's wrong goal of trying to enforce a behavioral change upon their child.  And the thing about power struggles is that they start out not seeming like anything more than a case of my child just isn't clear on what I want him to do or he just isn't listening closely.  You know this routine, I'm sure.

Little 6 year-old Sally is playing in the living room.  Mom (or Dad) says, "Time for bed.  Start cleaning up your toys and get on your pajamas."  The little girl says "OK", but keeps on playing.  A few minutes later, in a somewhat more serious tone, the parent calls out, "Sally, I told you it's time for bed.  Now clean up and get going!"


And the dance begins in earnest.  It takes two to tango...

"Mommy, can't I play for just a little more?" 
"No!  You heard me.  I said clean up your toys now."
Sally, putting on her mopey face, starts making a rather half-hearted effort at picking up her toys... very, very slowly... leaving some here and some there.
Mom's patience is now running very thin.  Time for Mother to bring some real motivation to bear on the situation.  In a raised and this-time-I-really-mean-it voice...
"Sally, if you want to play with your toys tomorrow, then listen to me now.  Get moving and put those toys away this instant!"
A little more movement ever so grudgingly, as the half-hearted effort of Sally ramps up to about half-hearted-plus-one.
Mom now enters the living room again and, this time emptied of patience, personally points out each toy and telling the child, "Pick this up.. another one over here... that's not where it goes... you know where it goes... put it on the shelf...", etc...

The whole episode continues like this into the bathroom and bedroom until Mom, now angry at Sally for not obeying, has issued  issued threats of a spanking... or actually has administered one along with oft-given and suitable mini-lecture about listening to Mommy.  This is all accompanied by tears, I'm sorry's, and Mom feeling bad about the whole episode.

What just happened and why?

Foolishness and discipline...

Discipline, behavior enforcement?

Let's review a bit...  First, what is the core problem with children?  In a word, foolishness is the problem (see Proverbs 10:1; 15:20-21; 17:21; 22:15 and Jer. 4:22), which just so happens to be the same core problem in all of us!  And what is foolishness?  One way of defining it is the belief that outward comforts and things will satisfy the soul, and that we are convinced we have the power to gain that satisfaction independently of God.  Or more simply, foolishness is the belief that I can be happy if I get what I want, my own way.  Second, what is the purpose of discipline? Discipline is the application of an unpleasant consequence which delivers a prompt reminder that the above strongly-held foolish world-view is not only wrong but if consistently pursued will lead to heartache. 

Proverbs 22: 6 speaks of "training" a child in the way he should go.  Discipline is a central part of that training.  The word "train" in the Hebrew has the sense of - to narrow; or figuratively, to initiate, inaugurate.   As parents, one of the main things we are trying to do is narrow the field of choices that our children will want to make.  In so doing, parents are initiating them into a direction or path for living life that is not only right and works best in this world, but a path that will be of their children's own free choosing; parents can't make their children go the right way.  Another way of putting it is that through discipline, teaching, and relationship parents are working to instill or create a desire in their children for a moral direction that is right and good, one that cuts across the natural foolishness bound up in the heart.  In light of this understanding, we can then affirm that the goal of any specific discipline is not to change a child's behavior directly, but rather to give them pause, an immediate reminder that holding onto their wrong belief and goal (the fruit of which is selfish or irresponsible behavior) doesn't lead to happiness but rather to unhappiness.

Why the emphasis on foolishness and the purpose of discipline?  The understanding of these two key elements is at the center of the "control panel" that parents need to look at in order to make sense of their child's wrong behavior and to get an idea of what direction to take as an appropriate parental response.  When confronted with misbehavior in children, the parent's job is to diagnose, which entails thinking through and understanding what's really going on, and to administer an effective prescription that addresses the core problem of foolishness.

Discipline, power struggles, and patience...

A mom writes in:
Mr. Miller,
I would love to hear more of your input concerning discipline, power struggles, and patience. I have a two and a half year old son who I am, for lack of better words, constantly battling. He is very smart for his age and very strong willed. He will not stay in time out, taking his favorite things away doesn't work ,and spankings just seems to fuel the fire. I am constantly praying for God to give me more patience, but feel I am lacking the tools to obtain said patience. Proverbs 15:1 says "A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger" How do I know if my struggle for power or lack of patience is causing his acting out, or if this is just a two year old being a two year old?


What is going on inside of our children? What directs their paths of disobedience and ofttimes defiance? As we get into discussing the purpose of parenting, the above email is a good starting point. The most common, as well as frustrating, discipline experience that parents encounter is a power struggle. We've touched on this already in the post Lies, damnable lies, and power struggles. I wrote then, "You're in a classic power struggle due to your wrong goal not his wrong behavior. The point being that if you are in a power struggle with your child, it is due to misidentifying what is going on in your child and trying to directly "change his or her immediate behavior." In the last post I highlighted a core principle to keep in mind, i.e. The goal of parenting is not to change your child. If that is the goal of your discipline, lectures, or warnings, then a power struggle with your child is probably something you're familiar with.


What is the purpose of parenting? The purpose is, through discipline, teaching, and relationship, to drive out the foolishness which naturally resides in children. Proverbs 22:15a says it well, Foolishness is bound up in the heart of a child. This is what is wrong with kids. Every non-organic problem that a child has is ultimately a product of foolishness. And this spring of foolishness in a child bubbles up in all kinds of situations with all kinds of outward behavioral symptoms. Unless foolishness is defined properly the remedy applied will be inadequate at best and can lead to, among other problems, power struggles.


To avoid power struggles it is therefore imperative to understand what foolishness is. In a nutshell it is simply sin. And at the root of that sin is a wellspring of incorrect, self-dependent beliefs that lead to the pursuing of wrong goals, the fruit of which are the outward wrong behaviors. So we see that there are three parts to foolishness or sin:

Iceberg View of Sin

1. Belief: A core breaking away or independence from God. Children are born in sin apart from God and are by nature committed to believe "I can live by myself... by my own understanding."
2. Goal: The directions and purposes which in opposition to God which children pursue, consistent with their wrong beliefs. "I set my own direction and choose goals consistent with my beliefs of how to get what I want at any given moment."
3. Acts: These are the visible transgressions of God's moral universe, His laws, i.e. the outward wrong behavior that attempts to fulfill a wrong goal based on their wrong belief. A child (like adults) naturally does what seems right in their own eyes. They do what they think is immediately best.


As parents, what we mostly see is the outward misbehavior... the tip of the iceberg. The natural inclination is to deem those outward behaviors as the problem, focus on them and set goals to get the child to stop whatever it is they're doing wrong. But to take that approach ignores the largest part of the iceberg beneath the waterline which steers the tip, the beliefs and goals of foolishness, the source of the wrong behavior. Stop the behavior only and what still remains is the underground foolishness undisturbed and unchallenged - ready to find expression in some other behavior.


Effective biblical parenting thus requires an adequate view of the sin which is bound up in the heart of a child. Having this definition in focus, the next question to be addressed will be how does discipline drive out foolishness? The second part of Proverbs 22: 15 reads, But the rod of correction shall drive it far from him. This is not a promise per se, but a principle. In general, discipline is to be aimed at the wrong beliefs and wrong goals of a child, not directly at the misbehavior. It is foolishness that gives life and direction to wrong behaviors. The purpose of discipline is to give to the child sufficient bitter tastes along the way of the truth that going one's independent way in opposition to responsible and moral choices leads not to pleasure and happiness, but to pain and discomfort. Discipline seeks to provide unpleasant reminders to children in such a way that, when confronted with those parental administered doses of reality, they will reconsider their self-centered views and choices in order to more closely conform themselves to God's moral universe. And that always entails consideration of the longer term implications of their choices.


The lesson to be taught by parents, through discipline applied in the context of a loving relationship (and hopefully learned by their children) is that rather than following after one's own self-directed ways, choosing to live in a responsible, moral direction really is the best and only option available which leads one down the path intended by their Creator and thus worth following.

Parenting - which way to go?

When reading books on parenting one almost exclusively finds the focus to be on what a parent should do in x,y, or z situation.  If this, then that!  One reason, certainly, is that every parent is looking for practical help and answers.  Yet what often results is a type of parenting that becomes a cookbook approach to raising children.  Tell me what to do and I'll do it... give me the recipe!  My advice to you is to not fall into that trap - i.e. looking for recipes for this or that child behavioral problem.  When the emphasis is on techniques and set steps something crucial goes missing - i.e. the underlying principles that are meant to actually guide one's parenting.  When those principles are distilled into simply set steps or cookbook recipes, parenting all too often becomes a series of methods by which parents seek to pour their children into a particular moral mold.  Raising children is more than producing a moral product.  And the fact of the matter is there are no set steps that exclusively put biblical principles of parenting into practice.

So why do parents gravitate to cookbook approaches?  The most obvious reason is probably convenience.  Parenting children, as I've said, is seemingly bigger than any one or two parents and involves so many more things during the day than the latest behavioral crisis.  Where's the recipe when you need it?!  I've got two other children and dinner to cook!  A less obvious but more central reason for wanting set steps (one most parents can relate to) is the fear that I may do the wrong thing if left to myself.  I'm not sure I'll do the right thing, and I may make matters worse!  They may not listen!  How we parent does matter, so the fear that I may screw things up is understandable.  Recognizing that fear when it hits though, helps keep it from overly influencing our thinking and what we decide to do or don't do.

The other problem with a cookbook approach is that it incorrectly assumes a one-to-one relationship:  that the child's outward behavior is the problem and the discipline I apply is the solution... if I choose the right discipline, then my child will respond the right way.  Be keen to avoid the "if this, then that" type of reasoning.  If my kids are behaving, then I'm parenting well.  If my kids are misbehaving, then I'm parenting poorly.  Obviously there is a correlation, but nothing that approaches causality.  While at the same time wanting what's best for our kids, this kind of thinking can result in viewing them as mere extensions of ourselves, statements on our parenting or even our Christianity.  This really shouldn't be surprising.  As imperfect human beings, we too easily slide into this type of thinking in various relationships and life in general.  Parenting is not exempt from those errant tendencies residing within us.  And think about this... the most perfect Parent of all, the God of Israel in the Old Testament, more often than not, had children who were disobedient, ungrateful, rebellious, and indifferent to His rules and to Him!  Indeed we, even as His children, aren't exactly reliable statements as to the quality of God's parenting.

One of the main propositions of effective parenting is that the parent's focus must not only be on their children's goals but on their own.  And one of the core principles to begin wrestling with is this:  The goal of parenting is not to change my child.  I'm defining a goal as something I decide I must accomplish and also have 100% control over, i.e. a goal that cannot be blocked by my child.  We know that when a child is misbehaving, especially in public, parents feel emphatically in their bones that they must change their child's behavior.  But to follow that route will take your parenting in the wrong direction.  Overall, rather than having the wrong goal of trying to change your child (he can block that goal), as a parent seek to go in the direction of conforming your discipline choices to biblical principles that match what in fact is the problem - foolishness in the heart of the child and things within your power to control.  And being the imperfect creatures we are, this fork in the road of competing parental goals will be encountered regularly, providing ample occasions to readjust.  Dealing with our own goals just comes with the territory.  So parenting involves not just seeking to understand a child's foolishness and their wrong goals in order to discipline wisely, it also involves seeking to recognize one's own potential wrong goals as a parent and then making the necessary adjustments.  The two are inseparable for effective parenting.  This will get more practical as we begin to look at the tasks involved in carrying out the purpose of parenting.

Unconnected...

Sorry for the lack of posts of late.  I've been away and unexpectedly found myself without any internet connection.  Stay tuned....